


Overdose [Severus Snape]

by infinitefalltohell



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abused Severus Snape, Abused Sirius Black, Actually they're all fucking oblivious screw that, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depressed Remus Lupin, Depressed Severus Snape, Depressed Sirius Black, Dreamless Sleep Potion (Harry Potter), Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Neutral Severus Snape, Oblivious Remus Lupin, Oblivious Severus Snape, Oblivious Sirius Black, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Severus Snape, Poetic Sirius Black, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sarcastic Remus Lupin, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Violence, Werewolves, You will get used to the obliviousness of the main three characters (not a threat)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 34
Words: 62,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24815443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitefalltohell/pseuds/infinitefalltohell
Summary: 'I don’t remember ever being this tired.'Severus Snape is exhausted, he's tired of the life he leads and the people around him. He would do anything to kill the pain, anything. Even if it meant brewing a highly illegal potion and accidentally falling in love with a werewolf and an alcohol addict.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Severus Snape
Comments: 260
Kudos: 341





	1. Tired

Severus’ POV, 6th year:

I don’t remember ever being this tired. Tired of life, tired of school, tired of the people around me. I don’t remember ever being loved by another person that wasn’t Lily, so life wasn’t worth loving, right? Everyone says to love life because one day you won’t be alive anymore, but what’s the point?

“Snivellus!” James Potter’s shout rang through the corridors. He laughed as I shoved past him, I’m not sure what expression I had on my face, but for all I know it was most likely ugly. Everything about me was ugly to them, my hair, my nose, my height, my body, what subjects I liked, even the house I was in.

Houses, that was the very problem.

“Slimy Slytherin!” Slytherin was known as the house of ‘evil’, the house of Death Eaters and murderers. It’s the reason why my friendship ended with Lily. After the mudblood incident, she just left. 

“Death Eaters!” People shouted at both my housemates and I as we tried to get to our classes in peace. I saw Professor Sprout walk by as these words were shouted, she didn’t even blink.

I arrived at Potions and I slumped into my seat, exhausted. The school year was already burning me out even though it was what, mid-November? Professor Slughorn told us to turn our textbooks to Page 68, today’s potion was Draught of Living Death. I already knew how to make it, and Slughorn was teaching the potion wrong, but I kept quiet.  
I could feel the anger rousing inside me, back when I was with Lily, my mood swings were more controlled, I didn’t get angry as easily, because I knew someone was with me. But that wasn’t the case anymore. I had made a mistake, and I couldn’t go back now.

“So, now, students, you cut the bean to get the juice and then you…” 

I snapped.

“Crush, not cut.” Everyone turned in my direction, perhaps surprised that I actually spoke. I didn’t speak much. No, I wasn’t shy, people just weren’t worth talking to. Unless their name was Lily of course. 

“Mister Snape?” I sighed, putting my arms on the table.

“Crush the beans if you want to get more juice out of them, don’t cut them. Cutting them may make the bean look prettier, but we don’t actually use the bean, we use the juice. So, crush, not cut.” My tone was a harsh snap, a barking in a sense. I didn’t care how harsh I sounded. He sounded so confident saying that the beans had to cut, almost as if he knew anything about potions. Don’t go by the textbook all the time! An idiotic potions teacher is one that can’t experiment to improve a potion. 

I now had my head on my hand, looking to my textbook in which I had many scribbled notes in the margins. I scribbled another note absent mindedly, my eyes slowly closing as I did so.

“I’m pretty sure I know what I’m talking about Mister Snape, if you haven’t made the potion before, you can’t comment.” The class snickered, sneering at me and whispering in each other’s ears. Flashbacks came alive within me, I couldn’t count them as they came, it was almost as if it were a slideshow of sorts. I couldn’t control my emotions anymore, so I snapped. 

“But that’s the thing, ‘Professor’, I’ve made the potion before! I experimented with it for weeks before making my final notes! A potioneer who doesn’t experiment should be deemed incompetent! You’re a terrible teacher, a terrible person and an awful mentor! If you’re going to play favorites, do it subtly!” I inhaled, looking around the room. Many people were staring in shock, Lily resembled a fish out of water. Potter was the most surprised I had ever seen him. 

My anger was still firing; and I was still on a high, so I stood up.

“I’m ashamed to be your student.” I got out of my seat and walked to the door, only looking back once.

“Don’t come after me.” I walked out, slamming the door behind me. Once I was alone, in the middle of the corridor, it hit me. I no longer felt frustrated or out of control, I felt… tense. Tense because I lost control of myself and I said what I was thinking the entire time, tense because I was lost and I didn’t know what to do with myself, tense because of everything that had just happened.

I was supposed to control myself; I wasn’t supposed to let them see what was inside. I didn’t feel like I was jaded anymore. I thought that, perhaps, I had actually broken, shattered to pieces. There was nothing left.

In the middle of that lone corridor, I stood, no expression readable on my face. I heard the bell ring and students rushing out to their next class, they shoved past me and knocked me to the ground, but I was alright. It wasn’t like I wasn’t used to this back home anyways.

I walked to my dorm weakly, deciding to skip class for the rest of the day. It’s not like they cared if I was there anyways. It isn’t as if they would mark the roll and ask the students where I was if I was absent. Lily was everything, and I lost her.

I was so tired of life, I needed something, anything.

A painkiller.


	2. Who cares?

I felt myself being shoved against a stone wall, back and head slamming with a sickening crunch. I groaned, because I could feel the blood on my back, but I didn’t make any other noises. Anything more and I could’ve been killed from either humiliation or murder.

“What do you want Black?” I muttered darkly, looking straight into his anger-filled bloodshot silver eyes.

He had always been handsome, that, I would admit. His eyes were a sparkling silver and they always shined in the light. His skin was smooth and tan, his physique was thin, but not lanky and he was tall, but not towering. His hair was slightly shorter than mine, but it suited him, whereas mine looked awkward. Pearly white teeth and perfect lips, who wouldn’t fall for him? He had girls hanging off his arm left and right, didn’t he see what he had? 

Why wouldn’t he leave me alone? He had everything. EVERYTHING. And I had nothing. 

“I want you to know, that you are a jerk, and I hate you.” Black slurred, waving a fist at me. “I lost all of my friends because of you, James doesn’t talk to me anymore, Remus doesn’t even look my way and Peter just follows them like the rat he is. This is your fault Snivellus.”

I froze as I realised what was happening. Black was drunk. Completely wasted. He looked as if he’d pass out any minute. His eyes were bloodshot, and I wasn’t sure whether they were from the crying or the drinking. In that moment, I didn’t see Black. I saw him, screaming obscenities at me, shoving me around, screeching about how I was a freak and that I would never be enough for him. I saw the man that haunted the majority of my nightmares. I saw my father.

I shoved him away and he fell to the floor, losing balance. I ran away, not turning back once. I sprinted through the invisible sea of people, because all I could see was him. He tortured me, and I knew I deserved it, yet I was terrified. School maybe hell, but home… was the devil’s lair. I was in a state of horror, I whispered the password to the Slytherin common room, and its door opened. I sprinted down the stairs and collapsed onto my bed, inhaling and exhaling.

Was this what it was like to panic?

It was 2:30am, and I still couldn’t get to sleep. The blood on my back had dried and it felt sticky and filthy. It was almost as if I had done something wrong. Almost.

“Fuck…” I whispered under my breath, standing up and holding onto my bed for support as I walked to my desk. I got my bag with my notes and papers, then I exited the room slowly, hobbling to the nearby potion’s classroom. 

I placed my bag onto the table in the very left back corner of the classroom and went to the ingredients room, it was practically a ritual at this point. Gather the ingredients, get the cauldron, start the flame then make the potion. Also, never forget to lock the classroom door. I knew it all.

I began making the potion and with much fascination I stirred the ingredients. It had been 6 years since my first year at Hogwarts, yet I always stared at the flames under the cauldron in the same way. They captivated me in a way no other ever would. The concept of potions itself enamoured me to the point of tears. 

Potions reminded me of vague memories of my childhood, a period in which my mother knew how to smile. I helped her make potions and she would watch with a fond smile on her face. These memories are vague because they have been replaced with something much more sinister, something so cruel that if I were to look into a mirror, and see a happier version of myself, only if it were slight, I would cry out of horror. I would tell the people who showed me the mirror to take it away, even if I were the one who brought myself to it. 

I’d scream and beg to get away, because I would become addicted to a fake persona, something that isn’t real. I would be obsessed with a childhood dream that would never fulfil itself.

I heard the door behind me, and I slowly turned to the source of the noise. Black. His eyes were an enraged silver, metallic rather than star-like. He walked with an arrogant   
stance, almost cocky as he approached me. I noticed he was no longer intoxicated, now completely sober. At least, I thought so. 

“Why’d you walk away, Snivellus?” He sneered, raising his eyebrows, almost as if to deceive me. I scowled, why was he approaching me? And how did he know I was here?

“Why are you here?” I asked, nearly hesitant in my question. Nearly.

Black snarled, shoving me against the table, knocking my potion to the ground. I watched the cauldron roll away and the potion spread across the ground, causing a smell I knew would be disgusting to most, but I was immune to at that point.

“ANSWER ME!” His hands were harshly gripping the table and I could smell alcohol on his breath. I thought he was sober before, because of way he walked, but his breath and smell were suspicious. 

“You’ve been drinking Black.” I stated calmly. My mouth had gotten me into trouble before, and it certainly wasn’t doing me any favors now. “Maybe if you weren’t intoxicated all the time, you would have friends to entertain you, instead of coming here and lashing out at me.” Sirius growled, slamming me against the wall. I could see the parallels between now and yesterday, the two becoming frighteningly similar.

“YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SMART, HUH? At least I had friends who used to care! Lily was friends with you because she pitied you. Pathetic.” I felt the anger rise in me, and I felt myself getting impatient. 

“Just leave Black, you have no business here.” Sirius chuckled sinisterly, walking to the shelf nearby and nicking a bottle of scotch. He took a swig, his hand now next to me head. He then threw the bottle, and I watched in horror as the alcohol made a mess on Slughorn’s desk, and as the glass smashed to smithereens.

“You think I have no business here? You have no business even being alive, why haven’t you jumped off the Astronomy Tower yet?” My eyes darkened and widened, not looking fearful but psychotic. I pinned him to the wall, slamming him against it, his back snapping with a sickening crunch.

“Say that again, I dare you!” I shouted. Sirius’ eyes watered, he looked scared, he looked like me. Me, who was still scared of my tormentors after many years of repetition. Me, who had to suffer so much pain from the hand of others that in order to feel as if I were normal, I had to scar myself by depriving myself of happiness. I never gave myself a chance, and with his excessive drinking which anyone could notice just by the smell on the tip of his tongue, he wasn’t giving himself any chances either. 

I let go of him, allowing myself to breathe deeply and allowing my head to fall in a solemn bow to my sinister thoughts, allowing the darkness to overtake me.

“Pathetic.” I heard him mutter under his breath. His words were now slurred, I wasn’t the one who sounded pathetic, even though my actions said otherwise. His footsteps faded and I didn’t flinch when he slammed the door. I walked to the front of the room and sunk to my knees.

Once again, I had allowed myself to be subjected to the pain and suffering of others. I still clung onto a childish hope that if I kept silent and submissive, I would make someone happy. I clung onto my childhood fantasy that I could maybe, just maybe, have the colours in my life whirl to a dark shade of grey, instead of the abysmal black it was now. 

My sobs echoed through the classroom, and I did my best to muffle them, but I failed. All I did was fail, time and time again. I couldn’t make Lily satisfied; I couldn’t make anyone satisfied. That was the actual root of ‘Problem: SS’. It wasn’t houses, or painkillers, or Sirius Black, or Remus Lupin, nor was it James Potter or my father.

My problem was that no one cared. No one cared about me. My classmates thought they had it hard, because they weren’t the most popular in the year, or Lily Evans won’t love them back.

But my problem didn’t have a solution. I couldn’t seduce, nor could I socialise. 

No one wanted to give me a chance, hence, I would never have my redemption arc. The only reason why I was created was so society were able to point a finger at me and tell their friends, “He’s the bad guy.”

The next day, I didn’t go to school, I laid in bed, wide awake, and sought a greeting from the open arms of Death. My hair was astray, as was my opposition of fantasy vs reality. 

No one cared, nor would they ever try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I did a good job in the characterisation of Severus, could I possibly have some feedback in that aspect?   
> My intention was to make Severus more aware, darker, more quiet, more willing to sacrifice. Severus was smart, and I wanted to bring in that factor. The reason he doesn't fight back will be explained in later chapters. I didn't want him to be overly sensitive, nor did I want him to be heartless. I wanted Severus to be realistic.
> 
> (I didn't mean to bore those reading these notes with a mini essay, but I think it was necessary.)


	3. Alcohol Addict?

These days, I didn’t sleep much. When I had the time to close my eyes freely, the nightmares sprinted to me as fast as I would sprint away from my problems. They’d skip around me and taunt me; and leave me with no way to open my eyes. I would be trapped in a place that I had no control over. I tried Occlumency, but it can’t block out nightmares. 

I tried so hard, and I didn’t get anywhere, but it never mattered. 

Hence, I was in the library after making myself some healing potions, tiredly rubbing my eyes as I scrolled through the texts on the shelves. I wandered in the direction of the Restricted Section, something there attracted me. I don’t know whether it was the prospect of the unknown, the thought of always finding something foreign or that no one would ever find me. If I lived there forever, if I stayed in the paradise in between the shelves, no one would talk to me again. I found the thought both horrifying and thrilling.  
I entered the Restricted Section and wandered idly from bookcase to bookcase, my fingertips grazing the spines of each book. Most of the potions listed in these books were highly illegal, incredibly complicated or belonged to the ancient times. There was one book in particular that stood out to me, like the title in an essay. It was different to the other books, older. 

‘Encyclopedia of Sleep Potions.’ It was exactly what I needed, I plucked it off the shelf, holding the middle of the spine down with my middle finger harshly. The book kept silent and I took it to the small armchair in the back corner of the small library. I noticed some glass tucked into the cushion of the couch and I took it out curiously. An empty alcohol bottle. It was an expensive muggle brand, much better quality than the stuff my father drank. Vodka, I believed it to be. The bottle had no cork, but it did have a long roll of parchment inside. I took the parchment out and rolled it open, only to find the words of a heartbroken soul.

‘I remember the times of being loved by many  
Eyes closed, trapped in the thrill of living  
Never to be stopped by anything behind, in front or surrounding me  
I thought that I had built my life around the happiness provided to me by others  
Slowly, it came crashing, despite my attempts to stop, my car of control accelerated faster and faster  
I fucked up, and I fucked up, and I fucked up  
Soon enough, no more chances were given to me…  
Suddenly, I started experiencing the world with eyes wide open  
I could now see the hatred in ice obsidian eyes   
I could now see the distrust in amber iris’   
I could now see the sheer disgust in hazel youth  
The world around me is burning, yet the walls feel stone cold.  
Now, loneliness and the burning in the back of my throat are the only things that care  
My parents, brother, ex-best friends and past one-night stands could never compare to the two  
People come and go, but the sedation alcohol provides doesn’t  
Even when sober, the feeling mars my skin  
The thrill that comes with being able to throw my life away  
I’m not under control anymore  
I’m not under expectation anymore  
I’m a world class, 5-star, international failure  
I’ll be honest, I don’t want to be a failure anymore  
I want to be on top of the world again  
I want to feel life on the tips of my fingers and smile, knowing that I made the best of it  
Then the alcohol reminds me of my defeat and my losses;  
So, I sit in common room I used to call home; and I seduce another bottle into my shaking hands.  
\- SB.’

My hands trembled as I reread the words on the page. This person truly had lost everything, whilst I didn’t have much to lose when I lost everything. He reminded me of someone I used to know, I don’t know who, but I had the feeling that I used to know him. 

I slowly reached for the book that I had left in my lap and I open it to the page of contents. My eyes briefly travelled to Dreamless Sleep, and I quickly turned to that page, I knew it was perfect for my purpose. But no matter how much I read on the subject; I couldn’t get the alcoholic poet off of my mind. His words were addicting, his rhymes, intoxicating.   
They were a written form of alcohol, if that made sense. 

I rolled up the excessively long parchment and placed it back in the bottle. Putting it in exactly the same place as it was when I found it. I left the library with my stolen book and headed back to my dormitory. I knew how to get around without being caught by now, I knew how to navigate the halls and not get caught in the act.

When I returned to my dorm, not a soul was awake with the exception of myself, everyone was content in sleep, most likely dreaming happy dreams with the moon, the stars and the night. 

From what I gathered; Dreamless Sleep was a potion which allows for the drinker to have a peaceful night with no dreams. The potion was one of the most powerful sleep potions in the world and had dangerous side effects which were more deadly than the potion itself. The potion was highly addictive, so only one drop of it was to be consumed when taken. The process of the potion looked complicated and put Draught of Living Death to shame, but it was within my capabilities. 

I didn’t know why, but somewhere inside me, I had hope. I had hope for better, for both me and the alcoholic poet. Something inside me was telling me that there was someone else as well, but I ignored them and laid in bed, allowing exhaustion to lull me to sleep.

This night, I didn’t have nightmares, instead, I dreamt of the alcoholic poet. I also dreamt of another figure in black, a distrusting, paranoid youth. I wasn’t sure who he was, and why he was in the dream, but the three of us, together, the thought of it made me happy. Whether it was to be platonic or something more.

I shuddered when I woke up in the morning. Before, I was so happy, I was completely lost inside my own dreams. But I had woken up with Avery screaming that he was going to be late and reality arrived once more. 

I sighed, got out of bed, got dressed and started the day, never letting the paranoid boy and the alcoholic poet leave my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I truly love this chapter, and in the future, you'll understand why. Thank you for all the kudos and positive comments as of far, I understand well that they aren't many, and I'm not going to lie for the sake of 'being humble' and say that they're a lot. Their number is low, but their significance is high. Thank you to those who recognise my passion for writing and my love for language in these chapters.


	4. Self sabotage or pettiness?

“Minty!” I exclaimed once I had reached the kitchens. “Can I have some coffee please?” Minty smiled and got the hot water, beginning to make my coffee. Minty was a mute house elf, at least from what I knew. But that was okay, she liked me enough anyways. I had met her in my first year, I was lost and she showed Lily and I to our class.

“Thank you Minty.” I walked out, heading to my first class of the day: Charms.

I sat in Charms class, idly twirling my quill in between my index and middle fingers. This subject was always Lily’s thing, but never mine. She copied my Potion’s notes, and I copied her Charm’s notes, god forbid if it was flipped. I looked towards the teacher with half lidded eyes and watched neutrally as he started pairing off students to work on the one class long project.

I sipped on my bitter coffee, watching students react with both glee and horror at their partners. The house elves all loved me, especially Minty, hence, they gave me coffee in the morning on the occasion. 

“Severus Snape and Lily Evans.” I choked on my coffee, turning to a snickering Sirius Black and glaring at him nastily. I then turned to Lily, who looked as if someone put salt in her tea. To put it lightly, what the fuck? What the fuck? Why? Lily doesn’t want to be with me? Didn’t Professor Flitwick get the bloody hint?

“Professor Flitwick.” I raised my hand, not waiting for him to acknowledge me. “With all due respect, what the fuck?” Professor Flitwick violently flicked his head to me, looking enraged.

“Do not use that language around me young man!” I glared at him, then turned my head to Lily, who glared at him as well. I sighed, moving next to Lily and opening my potions book.

“Lily, I-“

“Don’t talk to me.” She snapped, turning around to talk to Lupin. I sighed, as much as I hated Charms, this needed to be done. Just how much had she changed over the summer? 

The Lily I knew wasn’t like this… but now that I think about it, I haven’t ever really known her. She just smiled and nodded, I’m not sure if she listened at all. Did she? Did she even want to be with me? 

I remember the summers of content silence, was it content at all? Was she actually disinterested? When she said I could go for my dreams, did she actually know what my dream was? My dream for happiness is one I had not yet given up on, and it replaced any other dreams I had long ago. Even being a potioneer was second on my list.

“Lily, please, we have work we need to do.” She didn’t even turn her head. It was as if I didn’t exist to her. 

Feeling petty, I scribbled notes incessantly into my Potion’s textbook. She would probably do it, afterwards she was the one that was good at Charms, and she damn well knew that. I didn’t even know which set of spells we were working on for this unit. I didn’t care about much, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions and finding a damn cure for my sleep deprived self being the only things I cared about. It was my last chance at happiness, and I wasn’t going to throw it away anytime soon. 

It was maybe 45 minutes later when Lily turned her head to me, looking over my desk as if she expected something. My discarded coffee cup no longer rested on the table, only my head, quill and textbook did.

“Did you do it?” I turned to the right to face Lily, having previously been daydreaming.

“…What?” Lily sighed impatiently and clicked her tongue, I heard Lupin trying to calm her down, but she didn’t listen.

“Did you do the work?” I shook my head, my hair moving energetically with me.

“What, do you expect me to do it all? Lazy bastard…” I muttered under my breath, writing a note in the potions book about Dreamless Sleep.

“What did you just call me?” She stood up, walking in front of my desk and placing her hands onto it. I looked up at her, unimpressed. I straightened my shoulders and lifted my head, just as Lucius once trained me to. 

“You’re telling me, that you expected me to do all the work, and that you could get away with doing nothing, just because we aren’t friends, and now you’re getting petty over an insult? What is this actually about? Because I’m sure it isn’t the work.” My tone was cold, but not in the way one might’ve thought. I had more emotion than I expected in my voice, 

I was bitter, I was resentful, she smiled, whilst I was choking on soap bubbles, hung upside down and forcefully had my pants taken off. And now she’s getting petty over a word? A word she doesn’t fully understand the connotation of?

Lily looked disgusted.

“Malfoy’s trained you to be one of his cold little Death Eaters, hasn’t he?” The temperature of the classroom dropped, the room grew darker, and the noise level was now nothing.   
The way she brought Voldemort into this infuriated me. I thought Lily knew me well enough to know that I am not on the good side, nor am I on the evil. Both of them were equally awful, and I wanted nothing to do with them.

“Now who’s the one making accusations?” I stood up as well, tears in my eyes, anger firing around me.

“You will listen, and you will listen, until I finish. Do you understand me?” I could feel the wind gushing and things around me floating from my mere temper. I have understood for a long time that I was more powerful than others, but I allowed myself to be a victim, so I wouldn’t abuse said power.

“Do you understand what a Death Eater is?” Lily nodded firmly, staring into my cold obsidian eyes with her angry emerald ones.

“A Death Eater is a bad person.” I shook my head, all of them, they’re all the same. They’re all misinformed miscreants, who have nothing better to do than to spread false information without checking sources.

“No, a Death Eater is someone who works for Voldemort, who is part of his cult and works actively within said cult. It’s called checking your sources, have you ever done that before? Because I know I have.” She slammed her fist on the table.

“Show me your left arm Snape! Show me the mark!” I shook my head firmly, looking to the horrified faces of my classmates.

“No. You want to know why?” Lily exhaled, gripping the table tighter. I leaned closer into her ear, and whispered:

“Because I know what side I’m on, I can make my own decisions, I don’t need to be a bystander to my own beliefs, which lay onto the side of good and evil. I don’t care about childish things like happiness.” The last line was a lie, but it was worth seeing her squirm. She no longer looked angry, more humiliated and upset.

I picked up my book and quill and walked to the door, waving my wand with a flick of my wrist. The classroom returned to normal, at least in everything but tension, and it was as if nothing had happened. Professor Flitwick was in horror, not shock nor anger, horror. 

“Mister Snape, I think you need to leave.” I wasn’t sure what caused my self to think of it, but my mind went to more destructive places, places that I wanted to leave.

“I think so as well, Professor.” 

I walked out of the classroom, leaning against a nearby window and placing my things on my lap.

I felt nothing. I wasn’t angry anymore, I didn’t feel tension, I felt absolutely nothing. Insulting Lily didn’t do much to me, it didn’t make me feel anything. 

Was this the process to a slowly cooling heart?

As the day went on, I found myself to be more dismissive of my environment, more than I had ever been before. I actively took notes, I actively did work, but I didn’t care about anything. I had no passion anymore. I couldn’t ignite the flame.

I didn’t think that it all started from that day, it was more of a highlighted point within a sequence of events. I no longer felt joy from anything. I wanted to feel ecstasy again, but in order to do that, I needed it all to end. 

I just hoped that Dreamless Sleep would provide me with some of that happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't updated in a few days, but it's near the holidays.


	5. Letters

After eating a small dinner in the Great Hall, I wandered up to the library and found myself sneaking into the Restricted Section once more. I almost smiled when I saw that the bottle was still in the same place as it was before, in all its green tinted glory. I had strangely missed it; it was a communication tool to the unknown. Daydreams of the alcoholic poet and the distrusting youth can’t compensate for the bottle of hope.

I sat on that armchair and pulled out the bottle, reaching for the parchment inside. I reread the poem, and I found my heart to be breaking once more. It seemed that their hope was gone and that their dreams too were diminished, gone to smithereens.

I wished to speak to that person, I wished that I could be there for them. It was too late for my father, but it isn’t too late for him.

I pulled the quill from my pocked and began to write lethargically, calculating my words carefully and deliberately. 

‘To whom it may concern,  
I’m sorry you have to go through with this pain and turmoil at such a young age. I know alcoholics, and it can scar them for life. I know in your poem you talked about being alone, I was alone as well once I lost someone very dear to me, I know how you feel.  
Do your parents care for you? Because I can’t recall mine doing so. I hope happiness reaches you soon enough and that you’ll begin again. I know what it’s like to suffer, trust me I know. I wish that I didn’t, and I wish that you didn’t.  
I am bullied every day; my parents don’t care and I don’t have any friends. I’m alone.  
But hopefully, I’m not so alone now that I have you.  
One day, we’ll find each other, I swear.  
One day, I’ll find you.  
\- SS.’

I could relate to the poet so much it was horrifying, I didn’t see a monster in him, like I’m sure most did. I saw a scared youth, someone who was scarred to the point of oblivion. I saw someone that covered up his fear with something a lot darker, a lot more sinister. Alcohol does exactly that. It takes control.

I composed myself and walked out of the Restricted Section, making sure no one saw me before going to the dungeons, many flights of stairs down.

Dessert was most likely commencing now, so if I moved quick, I would be able to avoid those who I had been avoiding for many school years. 

I closed the door of the Potion’s room behind me quietly and looked around quickly. No one was there. I found myself smiling, for the first time in a while, at the pure nostalgia this room gave me. Many days were spent in said room making potions and experimenting with theories. It was yet another happy memory that no one could take away from me. No one could use it to their advantage and claim it as theirs. The aura and scent of this room all reminded me of a time where I could function with little sleep, where I could lock myself away in the classroom.

I opened the book with the Dreamless Sleep potion, and collected my ingredients, an excessive amount they were. I dumped them onto the table carelessly and instead started the cauldron with immense detail. 

I split the first ingredient into halves, dropping them into the hot water, gentle or harsh, it didn’t make a difference. I made the potion by the textbook, altering things a few times, because textbook creators were idiots.

After a few hours, I was finished and the potion was at its prime. I smiled victoriously and bottled the potion, discarding the rest by magic, I didn’t need Slughorn finding out shit. I spun around a little in my little heaven, and I found myself laughing as I did so. The room wasn’t much changed even when spinning. It was just as dark as before, yet I found it hilarious. Weren’t rooms supposed to be lighter when spinning?

I finally sat down in the seat next to my Dreamless Sleep and closed my eyes, sleep infecting me with its claws. I fell asleep almost immediately and fell into something darker at the same time.

“Are you real, or are you a fantasy?” I asked curiously to the man next to me.

“You decide that for yourself, love.” A black figure sat next to me, holding my hand in his. His accent sounded Welsh, with the tiniest bit of English. I stood up abruptly, taking him with me. 

“No, I need to know.” My voice had changed to something desperate, something that yearned for a fantasy. “I know that SB is real, but are you? Or are you something of my imagination?” The black figure let go of me and slowly faded away.

“Again, you decide. Do you dream about me? Do you see me when you wake up from said dream? Do you cry over my words? Like you cry over SB’s? Or are my words non-existent? Am I a hallucination? Or am I a future prediction? You choose Severus.” I whipped my head to the left, expecting to see SB, but he wasn’t there.

“Where’s SB?” my voice was panicked, and my breathing was now shaky. 

“He overdosed; we couldn’t save him in time. Severus, without him, we’re nothing. We can’t go on without him.” I nodded shakily.

“Does this mean you’re real?” The black figure laughed and shook his head.

“That’s your choice to make. Happiness is what you desire, yes?” I hummed, now curious.

“Let me narrow down the choice for you Severus, safety, or danger?” The black figure walked backwards slowly, and the white background narrowed into a dark, black corridor. The black figure turned white, then grey, then faded to black. 

“No! I can’t do this without you! Come back! I need you to be real, I need you to be here!” I fell to my knees and sobbed, hands tearing at my hair and head buried in my knees.

“No!” I exclaimed, head coming up from the desk. Tears fell down my pale cheeks, and tremors filled my body. I was struggling to breathe, it was like someone filled my lungs with water, or, preferably? Tears.

I glanced around the room, and saw Professor Slughorn calmly writing at his desk. I collected my vials and I planned for a quiet exit. I needed to go back to the bottle, I needed to see how SB was doing. 

“Mister Snape.” I froze, but I did not turn, for I already knew he was there.

“Yes?” My voice sounded hoarse, as if I had been crying for the longest of times.

“I won’t tell anyone you were here.” I almost laughed harshly at his words. ‘Professor Slughorn doesn’t have friends, only connections, but alright.’

“Alright.” I left the classroom, not walking to my dormitory, but to the library. Tears fell down my face at a slower rate and the world around me also seemed to move slower. 

Outside, the sun was rising and the sky was not yet blue, so I could presume that no one was yet awake.

By the time I arrived at the library, my legs were screaming at me to stop and I rubbed the tears away, my eyes now red. 

I waved to Madam Pince as I walked to the Restricted Section but she didn’t look up. I think she favoured me enough to not care where I went. It was early morning after all, I could see why Madam Pince didn’t tell me off. 

I walked into the Restricted Section, and I got the eerie feeling that something happened. Not bad nor good, just shocking. I plucked the roll of parchment from the bottle and chills shot down my spine.

‘I will include myself in this masquerade. To me, SB, you are the poetic addict, whilst SS, you are the broken child, who still has faith in happiness.  
SB, I can’t promise things will get better, but I can promise that SS and I will try.  
SS, I can’t promise you’ll be happy, but SB and I will try to make you smile.  
Your letters made me trust you, right off the bat. I’ve never trusted someone so quickly, and quite frankly, it is horrifying. I would trust you both with my emotions and happiness without even opening my eyes.  
I have a secret so horrifying, so sadistic, no one can know. Only a few close friends of mine and the Headmaster know, however, I have dissociated myself from said friends after an incident regarding the secret. I can’t trust anyone anymore, anyone but you.  
I have such a distrust in authority that I even research everything the Professor says after class to check if they’re lying or not. Most of the time, Professor Slughorn leaves important information out, Professor McGonagall doesn’t do enough demonstration and Professor Flitwick is the most reliable. Don’t trust whatever teachers tell you, Professor Dumbledore told me that my secret wouldn’t get out to anyone else, then someone else found out.  
Hopefully, with you two here, I won’t be as alone.  
I’m a mistrusting youth, as are the two of you. And together, we make a great team.  
Also, hide the bottle in a better spot! It’s very obvious as to where it is, and we could get caught! We don’t want to be sent to psych wards, now do we?  
\- RL.’

The letter had my eyes widening with something akin to horror and glee. He was real! The mistrusting youth with a secret, he was real! I smiled, genuinely smiled. 

They could help me, and I could help them. Even if I had lost everything, I still had hope for happiness, because now I had them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Severus subconsciously predicted the future, because, yes, the distrusting youth is real, as is SB. I look forward to further developing the dynamic between the three of them!


	6. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: A lot of swearing. Like, an Aussie would be proud amount.

Second period for the day, and I was already exhausted. It seemed these days, that exhaustion had overtaken my body entirely.

I was walking to Defence Against the Dark Arts, head down, expressionless. I constantly looked behind me and around me, my eyes watching for his. I wasn’t sure which one I was watching for, Black, or Potter, but both were vicious, I supposed. Both of their motivations and meaning were the same, and as long as it remained that way, both were people I needed to avoid.

“Snivellus!” My head snapped up; scowl etched onto my features. James Potter swaggered up to me, footsteps echoing as everyone went to the sidelines to watch. This was the most entertainment they’d get this week, that, I knew.

“What do you want Potter?” I knew to stick up for myself, I needed to stand up for myself. I didn’t have anyone on my side. 

“Now you’re defending yourself? Because you have no one else to do it for you? Pathetic.” I felt my temper ruse from the deep place in which I had it buried.

“Why don’t you just leave me alone? Go back to the Lion’s den Potter, stop harassing me.” Potter chuckled, twirling his wand in his fingers. His face was antagonistic, privileged.

“You’re a fool Snivellus, you don’t know who you’re messing with, why don’t you wash your hair once in a while? Maybe also wash your existence while you’re at it?” I could hear their laughing; I could hear their taunting. My temper was further rising. I didn’t care about humiliation; I didn’t care about temperament. I was angry, but not yet angry enough to do something about it. I knew well that I didn’t have control over my emotions, and I was only going to be beaten up again.

“You…”

“Now, now. Don’t get frustrated Snivellus. You’re weak. You can’t do anything to stop me. I’m stronger than you in every aspect, and you know it.” He didn’t know how wrong he was, he really didn’t. James Potter was a naïve little boy, this, everyone knew, but refused to acknowledge.

“Me? Weak?” I found myself asking, frustration evident in my voice. I knew for a fact that Slytherin upperclassmen infamously warned new first years against me, but no one ever listened, did they? No one ever wanted to listen. They choose to be ignorant; they choose to ignore. This was why society was so bigoted in the first place.

My chin went up and I exhaled slowly.

“Who do you think you’re messing with Potter? Really?” Potter grinned challengingly, almost like the beginning of a game of Cat and Mouse.

“Someone who can’t fight back. You’re a coward Snivellus, no one will ever love you, and you will never be happy. I strongly advise that you admit defeat. But even if you do, no one will care. Because no one cares about you Snivellus. No one will ever care.” I brought my right fist out, ready to punch him seven ways to Sunday. 

He pulled out his wand, and before I knew it, I pulled out mine, breaking my own rules.

“Expelliarmus!” I yelled. Potter’s wand was knocked to the side, perhaps into the ever-growing crowd. My rage had escaped from it’s cage and it was like I had never felt it before. I couldn’t control it; I couldn’t control any of my emotions. 

“Bombarda!” I knocked Potter to the other side of the corridor, his back slammed onto the stone wall and he fell with a sickening crunch. Most could only knock their opponent a few meters away, whilst I had knocked him to the other side of one of the longest corridors in this castle. Everyone had fallen silent, horror written on their faces as if the latest scandal had just been written into the Daily Prophet. I laughed brokenly, tears coming into place in my eyes. 

“Now you know how I feel! When I’m slammed against the wall! When I’m cursed 6 ways to fucking Sunday! You know how I feel!” 

Curse, after curse. My words that fell from my lips were somewhat perfectly sequenced Latin, the silence of the fellow students at Hogwarts had me smirking. This was my revenge. Now they knew how I felt. They all knew. The rumours about my 11-year-old self, the ones about knowing Dark Arts curses that not even half of seventh years knew, they were true. The rumour about me cursing Lucius Malfoy to hell and back in second year after hearing him call a first year a mudblood, it was all true. The rumours had died down soon enough, and Lucius Malfoy never used a racial slur again.

Potter was sobbing, begging me to stop, just as I had done so many times in my past. But; he did not remind me of myself nor anyone I knew. He was himself. A privileged and spoilt brat, who was finally getting the revenge that he well deserved.

“Who’s in control now Potter? WHO IS IT?” I sobbed, lifting Potter to the ceiling effortlessly and tying him to said ceiling. He swung from it, struggling to move. His mouth was covered, his hands were tied, as were his feet. His arms were tied to his body as well. He looked as I once did, tied to a tree trunk in my third year, left to suffer. Hagrid released me after half an hour, he thought that I had gotten there myself. I lied and agreed with him, because lying was all I ever did. Lying and accidentally nearly killing people.

“You taunted me, you bullied me, you cursed me, you beat me up for so many fucking years! This isn’t even the beginning of what you deserve!” I think it was that moment, in which the population of Hogwarts realised, that I was not weak. I was not a pushover. That I would not allow for myself to be a victim no more.

“Mister Snape!” I heard a horrified scream. Professor McGonagall. Potter looked relieved, meanwhile my face had paled significantly. My tears had subsided, and now, only the desire for revenge rose.

“Mister Snape, put him down, this instant!” Blood was bubbling from Potter’s mouth and nose; I could tell that both his jaw and nose were broken for sure. He screamed and he sobbed, begging me to stop. His robes were torn and his back was bleeding. In fact, he was bleeding nearly everywhere.

After a minute, I released the spell, watching as he fell to the ground with a bang. I heard the whispers of Hogwarts, but barely just, considering the blood pumping through my ears.

“Mister Snape, with me.” I turned around to look at Professor McGonagall, and she looked enraged. With the flick of my wand, I had adjusted my robes and I followed Professor McGonagall to her office.

I was in shock at what I had done, absolute shock. For so long, I had restrained using magic. I had allowed myself to be injured for the fear that I may do worse. I had known since I was young that I was a powerful child. At the age of 13, I was still having bursts of accidental magic when my emotions rose. Potter could do a lot of harm to me, yes, but I could kill him purely from accidental magic. I knew, because I had nearly done it before in the past. I almost dropped a tree trunk onto Lily’s sister Petunia when I was the mere age of 9. That wasn’t on purpose, and that in itself was horrifying. 

However, emotions weren’t magic. Magic was something I could control eventually, emotions were not. I never understood the concept of emotions, hence, I never had the control of them. Slowly, I let them take over me. I gave up on attempting to control them. And that, was my demise and my downfall. 

For so long, I restrained my magic when fighting with the Marauders, purely because I knew just how much destruction I could cause. But again, emotions were my demise, and no matter who started it, no matter who pulled out their wand first, in the end, it was always my fault. 

Before we knew it, I had entered her office and guilt had consumed me. I twirled my wand in between my fingers, just as Potter had done so, but with different meaning to it.

“Mister Snape, I am incredibly disappointed in you. This is the first time you’ve ever fought back with magic. It took you 5 years, why now Mister Snape?” I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, looking down to the ground and opening my eyes again.

“In all of my years at Hogwarts, I have yet to see a student with more power than yourself, Mister Snape. What you have is a gift Mister Snape, but you cannot use it to your advantage as you did so.” My head snapped up and my eyes filled with tears. ‘She thinks I did this on purpose? She thinks that I used it to my advantage?’

“If I was using it to my advantage, Professor, then why didn’t I do it 3 years ago, when I was hung from a tree trunk and left to die? If I was using my power to my advantage, why didn’t I use it to my advantage when I was sexually assaulted?” I exhaled silently, tears silently falling. From anger or sorrow, I could not tell, but I was a mess, a fucking mess.

“Mister Snape, you purposefully injured Mister Potter, do tell me, how is that not using your magic to your advantage? You started this fight, and you ended it. Tell me how that wasn’t your fault Mister Snape.” More tears fell, and I wiped them away quickly, humiliated at the prospect.

“I have been repressing fighting back for all of my Hogwarts years. I have never once used magic, though I deserved to. I never once fought back, yet all of the blame is placed onto me. I’m bittersweet over this matter, Professor. Why is it that November is always the month of the sorrowful? I’m both guilty and gleeful. Which should I feel? But of course, you do not know the answer, as your opinion is biased. I understand that I will not get away with this, as Potter would’ve done so if it was him, however, I do not appreciate the blame being placed onto me.” I stood up from my seat and a sob involuntarily fell from my lips.

“I now know how to set my boundaries; I am tired of being blamed by people who have no business in doing so.” She was about to protest; I saw it in her eyes.

“Don’t talk to me. Nothing you say to me is worthy of being listened to.” I walked out of her office and slammed the door behind me, tears falling down my cheeks and horror ghosting my eyes.

I didn’t know whether to feel guilty or gleeful, about anything. I felt as though I should feel guilty, but with what happened to Professor McGonagall, I didn’t feel guilty. And that was making me feel remorseful. Potter deserved what I gave him, he needed to be put in his place. Not even Black was born with a spoon as silver in his mouth.

I decided not to attend class, I would only cause more suspicion, I’d only rouse more trouble for both myself and others. 

As I walked to my dorm, tears still on my cheeks, wand still in hand, no one I passed dare say a word. As soon as they saw me, they ducked their heads, they attempted to keep themselves in the shadows. Their looks weren’t pitying, instead, they were horrified. They looked to my wand, then to my face, then back to my wand. The corridor was now empty, it seemed that everyone within my eyesight had run away for the fear that I would lash out at them too. Well they need not worry; they weren’t that special.

I arrived at my dormitory and searched through my bag for my Dreamless Sleep vials, today was a day I wanted to forget about completely. I wanted to close my eyes, even if it was for only an hour. I wanted to close my eyes; only to wake up and not remember.

Hence, I slotted the bottle of Dreamless Sleep between my dried lips and I drank maybe one quarter of a vial. I sealed it and placed it on the bedside table, allowing myself to pass out onto the bed.

For the hours following, no dreams came to mind.

I woke up when it was nearly the beginning of dinner, feeling better than I had in quite some time. For hours, I was in a beautiful state of complete oblivion. For hours, I was in an unimaginable state of paradise. I would call the first trial of Dreamless Sleep a success. I knew I couldn’t take too much, nor too many, but that was alright.

As long as it was there when I needed it, I was alright. Getting addicted to anything was risky, I would never be addicted to Dreamless Sleep, right?

I shook my head and persuaded myself not to think of it. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and walked to dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the support I have gotten as of far. This seems to be my longest chapter as of yet, 2241 words is quite a bit for me. I hope that the backstory and actions of Severus were to his character (at least, to his character in this story). Severus has had enough people, let it be known.  
> (As you can see, I love doing commentary on my chapters, but that's okay.)


	7. Trials

I was studying in the library after dinner; however, I was unfocused on the potions book in front of me. Instead, my eyes kept gravitating to the Restricted Section, to the bottle with the parchment inside, to SB and RL. My alcoholic poet and mistrusting youth. Wait- mine?

I sighed and closed the book, the words were a blur, no point in reading now. I gathered my materials and held them in my left arm, standing up and pushing my chair into the table. My eyes darted around the room for Madam Pince and I found her, scolding Sirius Black, who looked sheepish. I rolled my eyes and walked to the Restricted Section, no one was watching, that, I had guaranteed.

I shut the door behind me softly and walked to my armchair, I sunk into it and closed my eyes, inhaling the sharp scent of old pages and I exhaled, opening my eyes and looking for the bottle. It was always in the same place, which made me smile only in the slightest. I pulled the parchment out and much to my delight, I saw two new letters in there.

‘I was honestly surprised to see RL’s response there as well, SS, I kind of expected yours, not going to lie, but I liked it, I like you both. I’d really like to be friends! (My handwriting is so messy because I might be maybe just a bit tipsy? Either way I’m drinking so…)  
Also, RL, what’s the secret? I really want to know!!! Please, please, please, spill! As you can tell, I’m only poetic when I’m either sober, crying or entirely wasted.   
SS, why are you so lonely? :(   
I want to be friends with you! You seem so smart… I’m not smart, my ex-friends don’t think I’m smart either. They think I’m just like my parents… but I swear I’m not!  
(Also, handy tip, if you’re accused of something you didn’t do and you get a detention/s, don’t attend. It works every time. Legitimately, follow me mates, I know what I’m doing.)  
How about we get to know each other? (RL, I know you’ll be paranoid about this but don’t worry, we’ll keep your secrets! We’re all broken and mistrusting, we’re all hurt, it’s okay.) I’d like to become close! Maybe we can even meet in real life someday?  
Sincerely,  
\- SB.’

His letter had me smiling sadly, shaking my head at its realism. He was clearly broken, no matter how optimistic he tried to come across. I only hoped that RL noticed just as I did. 

It seemed as if SB was pretending to be a past persona but in reality, the past was the past. Next, was RL’s letter, which I looked forward to reading just as much.

‘SS and SB,  
SB, please, stop lying. You don’t need to lie to us, right SS? You can tell the truth. I understand that I myself am known for lying and this is hypocritical of me, but please, you don’t need to pretend to be happy.  
SS, I care about you, and so did SB, you didn’t say much in your letter but just know that we’re there for you. You will be alright, and you will get happiness.  
I lie to everyone.   
I tell them I’m fine.   
I smile when in reality I want to chain myself up (chain myself to the ceiling, and not in the kinky way).  
I say that I don’t need anyone, that I’m fine alone (but I don’t want to be alone now, I need you two to stay, I don’t want you to leave, please don’t leave).  
I suppose my favourite colour is green, because it’s a calm colour, despite the association with Slytherin that most of my house thinks is evil. My eyes are the same colour, and I’m not giving you both a physical description. Knowing you SB, you’d start guessing and get all the wrong guesses. SS, knowing you, you seem to be not as dumb as SB, I’m assuming you’d guess immediately.  
Also, how do you both know that these are my initials? You don’t, do you? They may be fake, but you don’t know that, do you?  
I’m reminding you both on just how little we know each other.  
\- RL.’

This time I scowled, about to roll up the parchment and put it back in the bottle. I was worried for him. And I didn’t like the feeling. I wasn’t used to the twisting in my stomach, I wasn’t used to the ever-growing concern I felt. So, I wrote back.

‘To the two assholes that I grew strangely attached to,  
RL, please, no need to be so sceptical. You’re making me feel worried, it’s scary and I don’t like it. I’m not used to emotion okay! By the way, are you a Gryffindor? Ugh.  
SB, I’m worried for you too, stop lying to yourself. You don’t need to lie to yourself, it was almost as if you were pretending to be someone you used to know… it was unnerving… be yourself. I can tell. So, can SB.  
I’m not going to reveal anything about me, because I want it to remain a mystery, but I have one question for you both.  
Would you rather die and be in love with someone that will never love you back or live forever but never love anyone?  
(I’m not good at being social, this is me trying).  
\- SS.’

SB and RL were everything I dreamt them to be, they were perfectly fucked up. I pondered over this as I walked out of the Restricted Section, out of the library and to the outside.

“Excuse me?” A small voice asked. I turned around and saw a small Hufflepuff staring up at me. She was a first year, maybe a second year?

“What?” I barked, glaring down at her. ‘Why is she approaching me? Here to make fun of me? Just like everyone else…’

“Headmaster Dumbledore wants to see you.” Shit.

I walked away slowly, before breaking out into a sprint. 

People made room for me, seemingly terrified of what I could do to them. Soon after, I slowed, breathing deeply, exhausted. I hated that man, I truly did. His bias not only made my life hell, but also many more students, I always wondered why he was still at Hogwarts… wasn’t he too old?

“Bubblegum.” The password slipped from my lips quietly and the gargoyle turned, waving it’s feet at me. I sighed and went up the staircase, deliberately stopping once I got to the door. I didn’t want to go in, I didn’t want to see him. But what choice did I have?

I opened the door, only to see a fearful Potter, and an unimpressed Dumbledore. I sat down curtly, bearing my gaze into Dumbledore’s eyes for the sake of showing him I was angry, and I would be justified.

“Mister Snape.” His eyes didn’t twinkle, they only held disappointment. I merely blinked in acknowledgement, making myself comfortable in the chair next to Potter.

“What you did was disappointing, and to be frank, I’m ashamed. We all make mistakes, but what you did was torturous and cruel.” My head snapped towards him, fire in my eyes. What I was doing was cruel? WHAT I WAS DOING, WAS CRUEL?

“Excuse me Professor, I believe that what I did, wasn’t cruel. Sending a sixteen-year-old to a werewolf is cruel, sexually assaulting a student in front of the entire school is cruel, breaking a twelve-year old’s nose so many times it’s permanently hooked is cruel, but revenge? Professor, you’re being fucking ridiculous. Do not scold me for my language, I will not listen to you.” After years of being subjected to damaging bias, surely, I had a right to be angry, yes?

“You broke skin Mister Snape; you’re exaggerating the things that happened to you. They were just school-boy jokes that you’re too sensitive to move on from.” Dumbledore’s tone was calm, too calm, senile, too senile. It was almost like he wanted to trick me into believing him, did he really think I was naïve? Did he really think I was a younger version of himself?

“I’m too sensitive? I was sent TO A FUCKING WEREWOLF, and Black, the one that did it? Not even a detention, no talking to, no nothing. Do you care that little?” Then I backtracked on the last sentence, already knowing the answer.

“Never mind the last sentence, I already know the answer to that. You don’t give a fuck about me, nor the other students in this school, you don’t even know why you’re still here. Is it because of him? Is it because of Grindelwald? You’re too sentimental to leave?” Professor Dumbledore’s eyes widened, shocked at my mentioning of Grindelwald. I had read the textbooks, about the affair between the two. 

“Mister Snape, you have just crossed the line, detention.” That, I expected.

“I know sir.” I looked to Potter, who looked angry.

“How dare you say that to him!” he exclaimed, holding his wand up and pressing it to my neck. 

I remember all the times I had been scared of him, I remember once being terrified by him, because he could destroy me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. But I was a different person now, I knew that if everything went wrong, I had RL and SB to back me up. I had them there to pick up the pieces when I shattered, hence forth, all I needed to do, was raise my wand. 

So, I did, my wand rose, and I stepped away from Potter, pointing the wand in his direction. His eyes widened and he backed away, lowering his wand and sitting back in his seat, moving as far away from me as possible.

I then pocketed my wand, raising my eyebrows and walking out of the room. 

“You still have detention Mister Snape!” Dumbledore called out to me, just as I had slammed the door.

“Yes sir.” I remembered something in SB’s letter, a tip about not going to detention if you believe you didn’t deserve the detention? If you were accused of something? I decided to follow through with it, again, I trusted SB with my life. He’d make sure I’d die in a great way. Then RL? He does my funeral arrangements; he makes sure SB doesn’t go delusional.

I arrived in my dormitory by the time curfew had begun, and I searched through my drawers for Dreamless Sleep, producing the vial that I had drunk last time. 

I needed sleep, I was growing tired quickly, as I usually did when I was angry, but I needed to sleep for a long time, not a few hours.

I quickly consumed half of the vial and relaxed onto my bed, closing my eyes and waiting for the potion to take effect, in which it did.

I would compose myself later, but in that moment, I didn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, this chapter isn't as good as it could be, but I'm also planning another HP story, that I'll do once I've finished another one of my stories.
> 
> This chapter is shit, Chapter 6 is the shit. Please remember that.


	8. Exchange

‘Hey,

SS, the question you asked, ‘Would you rather die having an unrequited love for someone or live forever without ever loving anyone?’ I’ll tell you my answer.

I’d rather die having an unrequited someone, so I will die knowing that I had loved someone and that I had made myself slightly happy via that love. I know it may sound cheesy, or romantic almost, but love is one of the most beautiful things. It can be a substitute for so many different things and it can do so much. It can be happiness, it can be a painkiller, it can be sadness, it can be anything that love decides it needs to be. 

I don’t believe in gods, no, but I do believe that love has a personality of it’s own, love is not just there, it’s not biological, I believe it must be up in the sky in order to have such an effect on us humans.

SB, I won’t tell any secrets, never. I won’t tell SS either, not to worry.

I like these questions; I think we could use them to get to know each other. SB will ask the next question, and I’ll do the one after that. We’ll find out the mundane things along the way, it also matters to explore opinions, you know?

So, SB, are you a hopeless romantic or a person who despises love? You’re our poet after all, so I would think you’d have strong feelings towards love, positive or negative. I suppose that no one is really indifferent about love, it’s everywhere. Romance books are practically propaganda advertising that love is great, when in reality, circumstances exist, you know?

I’ll let SB answer before we move on. Also, SS, you don’t sound mysterious in the way you won’t reveal anything, you sound like an edgy teenage boy. But it’s cute coming from you, so I’ll allow it to slide.

\- RL.’

‘I was going to flirt with him first! Damn you RL! Both of you are more intelligent than me, it’s so fucking annoying.

Also, RL, you’re right, I have a very strong opinion on love, of course I do, how could I not?

I would rather die loving than live forever with no love at all. It very much depends on the circumstances of said love. For an example, James Potter and Lily Evans are a perfect match, yes? A typical game of cat and mouse, kind of like what we’re playing. Except all three of us are both the cat and the mouse…

Anyways! It very much depends on who the person is that you love, that’s what I believe. It also depends on who you are, and orientation, and customs, stuff like that.

Mostly opinion, but sometimes just identity and clashing vs similarity.

SS, you don’t seem the anti-social type, maybe outside of your letters to us? You seem pretty happy to talk, I mean, you started the question.

Well, it’s my turn for a question! Thank you, RL darling for giving up your turn so chivalrously.

My question: What is a bad habit of yours and how has it affected others around you?

I’m not going to answer this one, I can’t count them.

I’ll be awaiting your replies impatiently.

Yours,  
\- SB.’

‘So cultured, really SB, your use of casual language truly shocks me. RL, are you that sarcastic in real life? If so, wow, how do people hang around you without being completely amazed? If I were friends with you both beyond the parchment, I’d be constantly stunned at how amazing the both of you are, in your different ways.

You’re both the lights of the room, SB is the attention snatcher of everyone around them, the light radiates from you SB, your presence shines strongly. RL, you stand out most in the dark, when people are lost and think they have nowhere to go, but in reality, you’re always there for them. I think you both are beautiful. Don’t tell anyone I wrote that, my cheeks are burning and I want to cross it out, but that will ruin the parchment.

Anyways, a bad habit of mine, I- how do I put this? I am always up after curfew, I’m usually in the potions classroom or the Restricted Section (why is it even called that? It’s not like they have erotica in here? Trust me, I’ve checked with an old friend of mine, a few years ago.) I have fallen asleep in the Potions classroom so many times, and I always wake up when a class is about to come in. A few years ago, I fell asleep, Polyjuice Potion brewing (I was 12), and I woke up to a 7th year class surrounding me. You can imagine how I felt. I got the potion and ran the fuck out of there-

I’m out of bed so often that my dorm mates no longer ask me where I’ve been. If I’m in my dorm, or asleep when I get there, the next day they’ll ask me if someone died. IF SOMEONE DIED.

Anyways, yeah, I don’t get enough sleep, and neither do you two I’m presuming.

RL, in your previous letter, you made me blush, you need to stop that! I went to class with blazing red cheeks and the Professor asked me if I was sick! Honestly, do you care for my dignity at all?

SB, why would you want to flirt with me? That is 1. Disturbing, 2. Kind of cute.

Also don’t tell anyone I said that.

Is it just me or am I really attached to the two of you?

\- SS.’

‘SS, did I really shatter your dignity? If so, I would gladly do it again. I’m starting to think you’re a Slytherin, an easily flustered one at that.

SB, really? Bad habits? That was the only thing you could come up with? I guess it goes to show how truly adorably oblivious you are. (You better be blushing)

I suppose that I eat too much chocolate. I have a massive stash of it, and when my old friends even touched it, even tried to, I hit them with either a book or pillow. And no, I am not a Hufflepuff, do not ask me please. Don’t even start that bullshit.

Anyways, SS, the Professor asked if you were sick? I didn’t know Professors were concerned about students like that, were you this teacher’s favourite? ;-;  
SB, you should write another poem for us, you’re quite poetic, yes? I believe that you should write another one, SS and I would love to read it! (SS does agree with me, and if not, I’ll shove a sock in their mouth!)

My turn!

So, for our new question: what is your favourite thing about the other 2 people here?

I will actually answer this one:

SB, I love how open you are. You’re friendly and you’re willing to welcome others in. You’re casual about most things, but when you’re alone, that all strips away. You’re not afraid to admit that you’re an alcoholic mess, every time I read your letters, I ask myself: ‘Has he been drinking?’ (I know you’re male, it says so in my dreams, I just know.) I got attached to you very quickly and very easily, as I assume everyone around you does. I know that you’re a dark person, and the next time I see you in real life (once we reveal who we are), I will bloody hug you, and I won’t let go. And you will be happy about it, you hear me? 

SS, I love that your personality changes so much, I’m sure you don’t mean it, and that you mean to stay cold with little optimism left, but I love how much passion you have in your letters. Writing must be a form of venting for you, right? I’d imagine it to be very dark to be you… I think you’re the darkest out of us 3. I don’t know, but something about you seems different. Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell what it is. I’d like to know more about your old friend and what caused the two of you to grow apart? Was it agreed upon? Or something that you did and regretted with all of your heart?

I’m looking forward to your responses.

(I find myself growing more and more attached to you two by day, it’s scaring me, it’s terrifying. I think about you both during class, when I sleep, when I’m walking the halls, everywhere. I can hear the words you write inside your head, and quite frankly, it’s terrifying.  
I don’t need a face to fall, and I’m assuming you two don’t either.)

\- RL.’

‘RL, yes, I did blush, A LOT. I thought my face was going to fucking burn off! Thanks a lot! (sarcasm intended)

SS, the fact that you’re out of bed a lot is funny. It proves RL’s point further that you’re very likely to be a Slytherin. I used to be very against Slytherin house in particular, but after a certain incident involving a friend, a platonic soulmate and a foe, I have decided to rethink it. I suppose that my family were all Slytherin supremacists, and I thought that all of Slytherin were like them. But I looked it over, I truly did, and I realised just how badly I fucked up. I don’t know how to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt…

Now, onto the answer to your question.

SS, I also like the passion you have in your letters, I think it’s a very charming part of you, and if I were to know you in real life, I would very easily grow attached to you. You’re clever, absurdly so, and witty to match. This all matches up to the passion you have. Despite being the darkest (I agree with RL that you do seem the darkest out of the three of us), you clearly still have hope in happiness, showing that you’re not incompetent and clearly have some form of smarts.

RL, you fluster me a lot, with your quick wit, adoring comments and sarcasm. I find the chocolate thing endearing, and it reminds me of someone I used to love but have grown distant from. I think you’re a beautiful soul, along with SS and that I’d grow attached to you quickly. Sometimes you say things that have me questioning both my sanity and my curiosity. Like when you said, ‘I don’t need a face to fall, and I’m assuming you two don’t either.’ What do you mean by that? You mean slipping on something? You’re strange sometimes RL.

You both want a poem, right? I’ll write a bloody poem alright (I’m getting wasted before I’m writing it, so if it’s something about how slippers turn me on [they don’t by the way] then feel free to ignore.)

“How does one get attached so easily?  
How does one look out the window, and see three figures, one, themselves, the other two, strangers?  
When I’m thinking of the two of you  
It’s an escape, to be somewhere that I wasn’t before  
You’re here in reality, for both the best and the worst  
Best that you’re here, you’re faces may be invisible but your hearts still show  
Worse that it may be all a lie, a prank played by a cruel man behind a quill  
I for one, don’t want to know as to what this is  
But my curiosity is quickly growing  
Roses are red  
Violets are blue  
I’m about to pass out  
And I find myself unsure  
Whether it’s from Professor McGonagall’s bottle of scotch,  
Or the ever-growing adoration for the both of you?”

I passed out after I wrote it, that’s why my drool is on the parchment, do me a favour and ignore that, alright loves? (I just like pet names, sue me.)

Growing ever so attached to you both,

\- SB.’

‘What is with the letter format? Comments to both people, off-topic, answer, then something cheesy? (I love it though, formatting is good… and I sound like a nerd-)

SB, your other poem was better, maybe don’t get wasted before writing. Also, you stole McGonagall’s bottle of scotch? You know how much she loves that stuff; you better tell us how it went down!

RL, I agree with SB, your comment on “I don’t need a face to fall, and I’m assuming the two of you don’t either” was cute, but confusing. I’m getting very attached to the two of you very quickly, I agree with that. I think all of us are getting attached to one another quicker than we’re supposed to. I don’t know what it is… and I don’t think I like it very much…

SB, what I adore about you is how you light up my life with your letters. It’s very obvious that you’re the person who truly shines no matter where they go. Whenever I see something that shines brightly, my mind automatically gravitates towards you, I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but it does. Every time I see red lights, even if from a spell, my mind is thinking, “SB in light form… ha.” 

RL, I have to agree with SB, your wit and sarcasm has me falling into the deep end, and FAST. The way you talk, whilst it varies sometimes is generally enjoyable and I adore   
reading your letters. When I hear someone say something really witty, my mind always gravitates towards you, “RL probably has said that at least once.”

I know that my comments are short and brief, but I don’t know how else to put it. I express affection more through actions than words… only if I knew you both in real life. 

(Someone save me from myself, I’m not okay, rumours are spreading quickly and I’m feared by many. I just want to be left alone; I don’t want to be an outcast. Sometimes I wish to disappear entirely, someone make me smile, I want to write to you forever, I would trust you both with my life, as horrifying as the thought is.)

All my love,

\- SS.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter so much! Not for how it's written, but for it's premise!
> 
> In this chapter, you can clearly tell the growing affection the three boys are having and how obvious it is. I better add 'oblivious' tags to all of them, my god.
> 
> SB is clearly the flirt, the one that subconsciously seeks attention.  
> RL is the snarky one, the one who loves a good debate.  
> SS is brief one, letters can't express his affection properly, but he's trying.
> 
> Also, deeper topics will come up later, I swear.


	9. (Rumours) Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not putting up warnings for dark topics, it is very obvious for this story, look at the bloody tags.

I was in Transfiguration class, listening to Professor McGonagall talk about some cleaning spell or another, honestly, I was too tired to listen. I had coffee next to me once again and I twirled my wand in my fingers. I do not know how I got into NEWT level Transfiguration; I only got an A on my test. Well, it wasn’t like I needed it anyways.

The Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Professor Kim entered the room, causing everyone to look in her direction. 

“Professor, terribly sorry for disturbing you, but I’d just like to speak to the students about dueling club.” Professor McGonagall nodded, stepping to the side, allowing Professor Kim to take center stage.

“Thank you. Students, dueling club is beginning once more, and I encourage every single one of you to participate. There will be different levels and different prizes to get to the top. There will be 6 levels, like school grades.” Majority of my classmates looked confused and Professor Kim seemed to realise this as well.

“I’ll give you an example. If Mister Snape were to participate…” Everyone turned to me and I glared at them, heat rising to my cheeks. I didn’t like being called out. It was humiliating.

“He would be an O level student, hell, he’d win the competition.” My eyes snapped to Professor Kim in alarm.

“What?” I was shocked, undoubtedly so. RL and SB would think this was so funny, I’d never hear the end of it.

“Surely he can’t participate?” Potter questioned, and he looked towards me, a fearful look in his eyes. I could tell that his questioning was genuine, and he genuinely wanted to know. But not all genuine things are pure. Genuine things are like SB and RL’s letter, they’re the pure genuine things. They’re the good genuine. The bad genuine is wanting to know for either malice or trickery.

“Yeah!” Peter exclaimed. “He’s way too powerful! We’ll be knocked out with a single spell!” Sometimes Pettigrew was pathetic (okay, most of the time), but this is one of the times he was actually reasonable. 

“He could cast 7th year spells in first year! That’s not something to acknowledge with a grain of salt!” I heard Black slur, and I merely nodded in agreement. Then my eyes widened.   
‘Is he drunk?’ I peered underneath the tables just in time to see a bottle of scotch in his left hand. My eyes widened significantly and my breathing hitched. He was intoxicated during class. Wasn’t Lupin seeing this? Wasn’t Potter seeing this? I saw how Lupin shook his head and tiredly rested his head on the table, as if he hadn’t gotten any sleep. Why is no one noticing this? Am I the only one that can see it?

Professor Kim was trying to defend me, by saying I should have a chance too and all this bullshit about inclusion. Pfft, what’s that?

“Professor, can I go to the bathroom?” I stood up before she got a chance to say yes, walking towards the classroom with my things with me. In first year, I had quickly learnt when I want to skip Transfiguration, to always take my things with me, or else they’d be destroyed.

“Also, I don’t have time for the dueling club. I’ll be busy with other things.” ‘Like RL and SB.’ I thought absently. 

I left the room, walking the opposite side of the bathroom and instead I headed towards the library. I walked up the many staircases and the many pathways to reach it. As I walked, many seventh years (who had their free period) whispered and stared, most of them with wide eyes of horror. They were scared of me. Despite being the upperclassmen of the school and being ‘superior’, they were terrified of me only because of the fact that I could out-curse them. 

The door to the library opened and I entered, my bag swishing and hitting my hip gently as I walked. My cloak billowed behind me as it always did, far too natural to be charmed, and I opened the door to the restricted section, a whispered “Alohomora” always did the trick.

No one else was there, as per usual. Most people didn’t need the Restricted Section, the general library was good enough for them.

I sunk into my usual armchair and pulled out the bottle, reaching for the parchment inside. Despite myself, I smiled when I saw our old letters and I noticed that in every one of them we were getting closer together. I loved reading the snark of RL and the energy of SB, the three of us truly made a perfect combination, them more so.

‘SS and RL,  
I’m scared, I’m really scared. I hate to change the topic but I’m just so petrified by the circumstances of my addiction, I supposed you could say.  
I’m addicted to alcohol, and it’s driving me mad. In 5th year, everyone left me. I had nowhere left to go, I have no friends left, hell, people have been avoiding me in general without knowing why they’re doing it. I’ve started drinking during class, usually Transfiguration, where I can steal a bottle of Minnie’s vodka (she only tells people about the scotch, but the vodka definitely exists). I haven’t been caught yet, but I’m still paranoid. I feel eyes watching me, RL, SS, if those eyes are you, then please, tell me.   
Nearly every night, I’m completely intoxicated, curtains closed around me, silencing spells up, sobbing. I’m so horrified by myself I don’t know where to begin.  
I don’t want to be like the scary muggle men on TV who hit people whilst intoxicated for the pure sake of the fact that they’ve had too much. I don’t want to be the person that hits their head because they’re too drunk to move properly.  
Alcohol provides me sedation and relaxes me into the person I wish I could be (but am not). It’s starting to have a toll on me however, I’m constantly hungover, which means I almost always fail whatever we have to do first period. I tried to steal hangover potions but I got caught. I managed to lie and say that it was for James, but I still got detention. I didn’t feel like going so I didn’t. Too busy drinking. :/ (Oops?)  
I need the two of you to help me, the drinking is getting worse, and worse, if I ever pass out at the table and one of you find me, take me to the hospital wing, okay? You better hold to that promise.  
I used to get cursed at by my parents (no, not the verbal type, the magical type). I was disinherited and I went to my best mate’s place, I felt like they were family… then they started ignoring me. I understand that what I did was in no way acceptable, but I think that was the final push for me to start drinking. I remembered all the good times I had whilst intoxicated, so I started drinking.  
Do you know what crucio feels like? Because I do. It hurts. It fucking hurts. But it’s not the most painful thing I’ve endured. Yes, it felt like my body was on fire, but what hurt more was the hurt in my friend’s eyes after he realized what I had done. What hurt more was my best mate ignoring me on the train and locking the carriage so I couldn’t sit with them.  
Fuck, I’m in so much pain, and alcohol relieves it all. You two give me something to look forward to, you’re my only happiness. (I would say alcohol, but then I realise alcohol only helps my loneliness and nothing more, then I break down.)  
Talk to me, just tell me something. All I need are your words.  
\- SB.’

I could feel the tears spring in my eyes, purely from sympathy. He was scared of becoming someone like my father. Someone who sat in his armchair and watched the football, not doing much more. Someone who tried to beat the magic out of me but very obviously failed. I’m the biggest disappointment in his life to this day, you would think it’d be his shitty job, or his shitty friends, or his shitty life, but no. Me.

‘SB, I am so incredibly sorry for what you have to go through. This is not pity, for I’ve had to go through similar.   
My father is an alcoholic, a mirror image of the alcoholics you fear of becoming. He doesn’t do much other than abusing me and sitting in his armchair, ordering me around. I’m his biggest disappointment to this day, you would think it would be his shitty job (mill worker), his shitty friends (sexual predators, pedophiles, etc), or his shitty life (poor to the point that he can’t afford to pay the water bill)? But no. Me.  
He’s a muggle who doesn’t like much if I’m being honest with you. He never liked my mum’s magic, or mine. Especially mine. He had scared the magic out of her, she loves him too much to leave him. Honestly, it’s just sad. It’s so fucking tragic. He tried to beat the magic out of me, he tried to kill the magic out of me, but he failed. You know how? Because I’m still alive and here. Not well, but alive.  
I sleep on a filthy mattress that hasn’t been changed once, I eat mostly food that I steal, or expired food that I bribe the supermarket employee to give me.   
It’s humiliating, but it’s life, you know? It’s just life.  
Then I was bullied at Hogwarts, last year I lost my only friend and I was sexually assaulted. No one did anything about it. No one cares about me, no one except for the two of you.   
I’m still pissed about the fact that no one cares, it really shits with my head, even though I don’t want it to.   
SB, I can promise you that if you’re alone, like you are now, you won’t become anything like my father. I know my words probably made things worse rather than better, but still, one can hope.   
RL and SB, your letters are my only pain relief (apart from a certain potion which I will not name). You two are some of the only things that can successfully kill my pain, even if it’s only temporary. I’m very fond of both of you, and I’m terrified of losing you, I truly am.  
Please don’t leave me.  
\- SS.’

I rolled up the parchment and placed it back in the bottle, burying it in the armchair successfully. An air of sorrow hung over me as I left, head down, silent apart from the footsteps that were made as I walked. 

“Pure.” I entered the Slytherin common room, and as soon as I did, the chatter died down and people turned to me, fear evident in their eyes. They were watching my movements, I could feel them watching. I schooled an emotionless face and headed to my dormitory, slamming the door behind me as I did so.

“Snape, woah.” Mulciber.

“Fuck off Mulciber.” I went to my bed and closed the curtains around it, searching for my Dreamless Sleep. I didn’t have anything else to do, I might as well have a short nap before dinner. 

Tears fell down my cheeks as I looked down to the floor below me, SB floating in my head as if I were in a haze. I wasn’t sobbing, no, I would’ve preferred that, but I was silent, completely silent. I always knew this was the more damaging. Sobbing meant I was in pain; it didn’t mean I was necessarily feeling anything. But crying? Silently? That was emotion. And I hated emotion. Despised it, even.

I sat onto my bed and put my hands through my greasy hair, realizing that much to my disgust, I hadn’t taken a shower. I stood up and allowed my body to take itself to the bathroom, almost as if I weren’t the one who was in control. I locked the door and looked at my reflection in the mirror.

Broken, that’s how I saw myself. Crooked teeth, tear filled eyes, limp and greasy hair, a jawline so sharp it wasn’t healthy and a nose that had been broken so many times it was permanently hooked. I looked thinner than I had been in a long time, even the holidays weren’t as bad. The last time I had ate was breakfast, and even then, I didn’t have much. I   
needed to avoid their eyes, I needed to avoid their stares, more specifically, theirs.

Lupin always looked at me with somewhat some pity, it was the same every time and to be honest, I found it sickening. Others would find it endearing, more specifically, bystanders, but I found it disgusting. Who would want such pity? I don’t want to be pitied and babied and apologized to. I want to be justified.

Black always had this look of curiosity in this eyes, he always stared at me not with pity nor disgust, but something else. I didn’t want to know what it was, that look terrified me to the point of shaking. It was something so unlike himself that it used to haunt me at night, silver eyes curiously searching for my own in an attempt to find something within those depths.

I pulled off my robes and untied my tie, shuddering as I did so, the stares of the two engrained into my brain. I then pulled off the rest of my clothes, trying very hard not to look at myself as I entered the shower.

The water was scorching hot, and it possibly burnt my back, but I couldn’t find some part of me to care. I cried silently under the heat of the water, tears cascading as if they were raindrops on windows. I thought about SB, and RL, and Black, and Lupin, and it caused me to cry. I didn’t want to be a freak anymore. Looking at myself, it made me want to be normal in every way possible. I was already an outcast enough with my financial status, why add looks to that as well?

I got out of the shower and wrapped the towel around my face, not bothering to wipe away the tears. I exited the room with my clothes hastily and shut the curtains around my bed.

“Have you been crying?” Mulciber again. He got on my nerves so much, I swear.

“Fuck off.” I got a pair of shorts from my drawers and put them on, finding the Dreamless Sleep. I uncorked the vial and opened the curtain only in the slightest, checking who was there.

I finished the vial off, gulping down its contents greedily. If SB and RL knew that I drank Dreamless Sleep every time I had a bad day, what would they think? In that moment, I didn’t care. I closed the curtain and sighed, putting the vial onto the bedside table.

In my defense, I didn’t expect to pass out so quickly. 

I fell to the floor, my head being the only part of me on the bed. My eyes closed and I fell asleep, sliding down slightly. It must’ve caused a loud bang, that, I knew for sure.

Hours later, perhaps after curfew, my eyes opened lazily, looking around. I groaned when I realized that I had slept sitting down. That was going to do shit to my back later, that was for sure.

I got into my uniform, excluding the robe and jumper and looked around the dorm. No one there. Most likely at dinner. I then looked down to my stomach. I could skip a meal… right?

So, I decided to head down to the library instead, thinking of RL on my way. ‘RL most likely loves libraries.’

I snuck into the Restricted Section, more careful this time ‘round, I had never been caught, but there were more people at the time. I went to the bottle and desperately reached for the parchment and unrolling it, delighted when I saw a new letter.

‘SB and SS,  
Holy shit, I thought I was bad. Well, no need to worry anymore about support, I’m going to try be there for you both, alright?  
I have a massive secret, and if it gets out, then I’m dead. Literally dead. I don’t trust anyone, and no one trusts me either.  
I was the quiet one of my friendship group, the bystander of it all. I didn’t defend those who were under the torture of my friends nor did I say anything about it. I let them get away with everything, because they knew my secret and I couldn’t lose them, and now it’s eating away at me that they may say something to someone. Mention it in passing. I don’t know what they would do. I feel like I don’t know them anymore.  
I don’t trust anything anyone says, and I always check up my facts for backup, just in case, just to be sure. It makes my head spin and people scare me to death.   
SB, I wish I could do something about your addiction, but quite frankly, I can’t. I would be useless in even trying. All I can do is try to steer you away and wish you the best.  
SS, what potion are you talking about? Potions are more dangerous than alcohol because they’re magical and could have lasting consequences if it’s strong. I’m shit at potions but I at least know that.  
This letter will have to be brief I’m afraid, as there is something I must do, but just know I care a lot about you both.  
Sending love,  
\- RL.’

What secret could be so big it couldn’t get out to anyone? RL’s letter unnerved me, because it sounded so similar to someone that I used to know. I don’t know who, but the situation just seemed familiar was all.

‘Seems a little too familiar if you ask me.  
\- SS.’

I put the parchment back in and decided to rewrite properly later, feeling creeped out by the letter that was sent. 

I walked out of the library watching my every move, listening to every creak and step. 

I was paranoid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is over 3000 words long, holy shit (why the fuck are the chapters getting longer and longer?)


	10. Ex Best Friend

I was studying in the library on a chilly Sunday morning, and I found myself unable to focus once more. I kept thinking of the snark RL would deliver as I read the book and the whining SB would do, trying to get me away. Eventually, I left the book on the table, which I hardly ever did, and dragged myself to the Restricted Section. 

The bottle was in the same place as always, which made me smile in delight. I pulled out the bottle and the parchment, looking for a new letter, rereading our old letters like I always did and grinning at how well they fit together. I found myself a lot happier when I was with the parchment, with RL and SB.

‘I’m horrified. I apologise if this is off topic but I need your help and I need it now.  
I’m terrified for my ex best friend; I’m absolutely horrified for him.   
I’ll give you some background, we have been friends ever since first year and we’ve also been really close, there were also two others but I was closest to him specifically.  
Last year, he revealed my secret to an enemy of his. He did it as a joke, and he didn’t mean to actually trick him into doing it, but after that I stopped being friends with him and I avoided the whole lot of them, worried that it may get out to someone else. So, I’ve been on my own for the past few months.  
I don’t know what to do. He’s been worse than ever, I see his face on a daily basis, and it’s getting thinner. Sometimes in the dorm he cries, and they’re so fucking heartbreaking, yet I can’t do anything about it, I’m too scared to.  
I hear bottles smashing and I hear passing out, yet there are wards around his bed so I can’t get to him. I can tell that my other ex-best friend is worried for him as well, because he’s staying up at night just to check up on us.   
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I can forgive him after revealing my secret in the manner he did, but I want to approach him, I want to comfort him, I want to pretend it never happened.  
What do I do? Surely, you’d know SS and SB, right?  
Sending my love and apologies,   
\- RL.’

In this situation, I believe that RL was the Lily and the ex-best friend was me. I genuinely didn’t know what to do, I genuinely was stumped by the letter. So, were we trusting each other with matters such as this now?

I reread our past letters once more and it slapped me in the face.

We were really trusting one another. We were trusting one another with our struggles, as well as our good sides. We were trusting one another with everything we had, and it made me want to cry. I felt happy for the first time in a very long time when I was talking to them. I didn’t need to guess who they were because I was content with writing to them on the parchment.

With shaking hands, I wrote a response, detailing all of my devotion into it.

‘I do not know how to help you, perhaps SB would, however, I have an experience similar, except in this situation, I’m the ex-best friend.  
I used to be friends with this girl, let’s call her L, we had been friends since we were 9, because we had lived in the same town. I introduced L to the world of magic and we went to Hogwarts together, believing we’d never be separated.  
But over the years, we grew distant, she made her own friends and I held up in my little shell. You remember how I said I was bullied? Eventually, she stopped standing up for me and she started standing to the side instead, hiding the mirth on her face. This made me realise that maybe she didn’t care. Maybe she didn’t really give a damn about me.  
It was just after exams and I was being bullied once more, L went to stand up to me at first, but then she ended up laughing with them. I knew when I met her eyes that it was too late. That our friendship couldn’t be salvaged, then I said something that I still regret to this day. I genuinely didn’t mean to say it, but I understand why she cut off ties with me. I couldn’t help but feel as if I lost a massive part of my life. Someone who I had smiled and laughed with for so long had just left me, and I was crushed.  
I had nowhere to go if I wanted to leave my home, I couldn’t go to L’s house and hang out with her family. I couldn’t rant about Professor Slughorn or have a study buddy. I was more alone than I had been in years. Then I met the two of you. It was the happiest I had ever been, not even L could compare to the two of you.   
Maybe it’s because you understand me better, maybe it’s because you actually listen when I speak. You two were all of the things L wasn’t, and that was enough for me.   
Anyways, if the friend listens to you, makes you smile and doesn’t treat you like everyone else, then make it up to them. But if not, then don’t even try.  
All my love,  
\- SS.’

I rolled up the parchment and placed it inside the bottle, basically a routine at that point in time. Then, I snuck out of the Restricted Section, walking out of the library and to my dormitory, as I really had nothing else to do.

For the day, all I did was lay on my bed, daydreaming about SB and RL, looking over fondly to me. I pretended that they were next to me, and that we were cloud gazing. I would say something and they’d both laugh, SB pouting and RL being snarky. Then SB would cuddle into me some more as would RL and we’d continue onto the next dream.

“Snape? Snape?” A voice interrupted me from my blissful abyss. I sat up and glared at the person, Avery. Avery looked almost concerned, as if I had done something to weird him out.

“What do you want?” I asked, a little too hostile in my words. He put his hands up as if to surrender and he stepped back slowly, leading me to believe that I had done something weird.

“It’s nearly dinnertime, you missed lunch as well. You’ve been laying on your bed for hours. You’re so weird sometimes Snape, I can’t read you.” My eyes widened and my lips fell open. Nearly dinner time? I had been stuck in my own head for so long that I had missed hours of the real world?

I shook my head and gathered myself, standing up and nodding lightly.

“Ta.” I acknowledged, walking to the door. Avery clearly looked disgusted at my use of casual language which caused me to internally chuckle. 

I headed to dinner and when I arrived, I ate in silence, not realizing how hungry I was until that moment. 

After dinner, I had decided to skip dessert and I headed towards the library once more, moving quickly, checking for a letter, any letter. I arrived at the Restricted Section mere minutes later and I checked the bottle, checked the parchment.

There was no new letter, and I found a bitter taste on the tip of my tongue, disappointment. In the spot where the bottle was usually hidden, I found another bottle, almost empty but not quite, of tonic. My eyes widened and I picked up the bottle gently, examining it. The cheap stuff.

SB had been here; I knew he had been. RL would never leave an alcohol bottle there, he didn’t drink alcohol. What had happened to SB? 

‘I know you’re reading these SB; I know you have been. Why else would you leave the bottle there? It wasn’t me, nor was it RL. Please, SB, I’m worried for you.  
All my love,  
\- SS.’

That was the most I could muster for the moment. I dropped the bottles and I ran away, as I did from many of my problems. I went back into my dorm and I searched for the Dreamless Sleep (a new vial) uncorking it and taking half of it. I put the cork in and I placed the Dreamless Sleep down, getting into bed and closing my eyes.

The next day, I woke up at maybe 5 in the morning, a time that was considered ‘uncivilized’ to wake up at. Only nerds, insomniacs and mother hens would wake up at such a time.  
I sighed and got out of bed, getting into the shower and getting dressed. I avoided looking at my bruised, sickly body, as it would only cause harm to my mental state.

First thing I did was walk to the library, sneaking into the Restricted Section once more. I saw that the second bottle was gone and I got the parchment into my hands. Much to my delight, there was another letter, in SB’s messy scrawl.

‘I know you’re both worried about me (I’m not narcissistic, okay?) but I’m alright.  
Just like SS’ situation, I was the ex-best friend. We used to be really close, it was the closest I had ever been to someone. I think I even fell in love with him, and I think I may be still in love (along with a certain someone else).  
I don’t want to dwell on it much longer is all.  
RL, I’d say approach the friend, they must be coping pretty badly. I’m sure they didn’t mean to do what they did.  
SS, I’d say move on. The friendship is quite obviously toxic between you and L and you don’t deserve that.  
I’ll be going now, my head really hurts, sorry for the short letter but I didn’t have the motivation to explain it.  
Xoxo,  
\- SB.

I rolled up the parchment and sat on that armchair for a while, out of tune with the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These oblivious fucks don't realise what's happening, my god.


	11. Werewolf

“Shit!” I sat up, “Tempus.” The time read 9:26, I was late to class, very late. I had Professor Slughorn first period, a teacher I despised, but a subject I loved. I hadn’t been late to class many times… I don’t recall the last time I was late that wasn’t in first year. I hurriedly got dressed and grabbed my Potions textbook and wand, I doubted that I would need much else. I loosely tied my hair, and a few strands stuck out, but I didn’t care much. I tied my hair up for potions, I wanted to experiment with the potion we were doing for the class, hence, hair tied.

Bless the Slytherin dormitories, which were near the potions classroom. I usually didn’t do my hair up, so it felt weird when I ran, but I didn’t dwell on it for too long. 

I slammed open the classroom door, catching my breath nearby. I then looked up to Professor Slughorn and nodded, closing the door and stalking to my spot. 

“Detention Mister Snape and 20 points from Slytherin.” I nodded again, knowing that I had deserved it.

“Fuck…” I whispered, collecting my ingredients for the potion on the board. It didn’t take long; I would only be slightly later than everyone else. Unless I cut the time…  
Lupin arrived minutes after me, looking exhausted and sleep deprived. His face held a new scar, though I merely turned away. The night before had been the full moon, and he was a werewolf…

“Sorry Professor Slughorn.” He breathed out. Professor Slughorn smiled pitifully at him and nodded gently.

“Don’t mention it Mister Lupin. On with you now. Partner up with Evans.” He nodded and went to Lily’s desk. I could feel Black’s glance on me, and I glared at him. He turned away, chatting to a Gryffindor girl who I didn’t know the name of.

I got more ingredients than I was meant to and placed them onto the table, starting my experimentation, flipping my textbook open. 

Throughout the class, I had discovered many things, such as the fact that salamander thrived when sliced from the top down and that people liked to stare at me when my hair was up. I pointedly ignored them and continued my experimentation.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” The potion was about to explode if I didn’t counteract it within 15 seconds. I quickly chopped some mint leaves, my forehead sweating. I didn’t see the person in front of me, raising his eyebrows and glaring at me.

I dumped the mint leaves in and stirred 3 times clockwise, relieved when the potion turned back to its normal color.

“Noted…” I wrote the notes down in my textbook, smiling to myself at my discovery, gleeful at the realization that this wasn’t anywhere in the textbook.

“Mister Snape.” I looked up, only to see Professor Slughorn.

“Hi Professor.” I said off-handedly, checking on the potion fondly and stirring twice counter-clockwise.

“Why aren’t you doing the potion?” I sighed; did he not understand? I was experimenting with it! I was messing with the potion to see if there was a quicker way to make it!

“I am sir.” He looked down to the potion then up to me. “Kind of…” I finished awkwardly, dicing the ingredients efficiently. I placed them into the potion as per the instructions in my head and I stirred. A familiar smell came into the air and I smiled at the realization that I had just made Amortentia in its quickest form.

“Do you smell it sir?” I asked distantly. “Love? Because I do.” I poured the potion into multiple vials, discarding the rest into the sink. Professor Slughorn looked shocked, and then he looked to my textbook, which held my notes on Amortentia and my writings in the margins.

“You scribble in your book?” I glared at him, increasingly frustrated. They were not just scribbles! I snatched my book from the desk and turned the page to Draught of Living Death, a potion I had done a lot of work with.

“You think these are just scribbles?” I asked angrily, passion vibrating throughout the classroom. “These are not just scribbles! These are improvements to the textbook because it’s absolute shit and doesn’t make the potions right!” I inhaled deeply, nostrils flaring. Professor Slughorn looked shocked, and rightfully so. I raised my eyebrows and clutched the now closed textbook tightly to my chest. Professor Slughorn merely walked away, hands in the air. I considered that a success and grinned internally.

I looked to my right, pulling the ribbon in my hair slightly tighter and rolling up my sleeves to my elbows. I saw Remus Lupin, who looked more scarred than he did the night previous, few knew the reason why, and I was one of them.

A cackle ran through my mind and I shuddered, pulling down my sleeves and suddenly feeling cold. Sirius Black. Black never laughed when a prank he and his group of mindless morons had performed on me succeeded, he never laughed, he cackled. With his friends he laughed, with Professor McGonagall he laughed, with anyone but me, he laughed. However, when he had done something malicious, something utterly cruel, he cackled. He sounded eerily similar to Bellatrix Lestrange, who was the definition of psychotic to anyone who had heard her name. 

I was never quite able to get it off of my mind afterwards. I hated that it scared me so much, I had so much power in my hands yet I was terrified of something as simple as a cackle. He sounded psychotic, he sounded like one of them. He sounded as if he were part of his family. I never said these concerns aloud to anyone, not even to those who asked (they didn’t). 

I heard howling, the sound that was made that night. I had arrived at the Whomping Willow and wasn’t quite sure how to freeze it when I heard it. I heard the wolf howling, but it sounded distant, far away, as if it was locked up far away. I would later find out that this werewolf was Remus Lupin, and I would later find out that he had no idea that I would be down there. He growled when I came in and his eyes softened, I was so victimized that I couldn’t even be used as prey, which I personally found pathetic.

I heard Potter shouting in my head, asking too many questions, too many for my liking. I remembered that he was a mother hen towards his friends, as Lily had told me not long ago, and that it was his only redeeming trait. That him caring for his friends was the only likeable part of him. I hated him, yes, but my opinion and Lily’s were both biased, that I knew. I understood why she hated him, but she genuinely thought her opinion was unbiased (the naïve little shit).

Contrary to everyone’s belief, Lily wasn’t a tsundere as the Japanese conned the term, who would eventually fall in love with the suitor. Lily hated him every part of her. At first, the romance between the two was cute, and I semi-encouraged it, until I found out how truly scary it was. One day, I imagined that I had someone like Potter following me around all day, and the thought of it gave me nightmares, after that, I gave up. I didn’t want to be reminded of my parents, no.

I heard scampering of a rat, the smell of a traitor. I never trusted Pettigrew (it wasn’t like I trusted the others either), but I could tell that not even his own friends trusted him. Everyone was paranoid about him and rightfully so. 

I reminded myself that the class was about to end and I put a vial on the desk, keeping one for myself. I smelt fresh grass, wormwood, wet dog and strange enough, the main ingredient for Wolfsbane. I didn’t know what these smells were tied to, but I knew they were tied to somebody, and that in itself horrified me to no end. 

Quickly and briefly I left the class, running to somewhere, anywhere away from the potions classroom. My hair, though tied up, ran loose and the loosely tied ribbon came undone, falling to the ground like the rest of me would’ve done if it weren’t for my current pace. 

I ran to the Astronomy Tower at the other side of the school, quickly exhausting myself. Once I had arrived, I fell to the floor in exhaustion and fell on top of my potions book, causing me to groan in pain and roll over. For a while, I sat in the middle of the Astronomy Tower, skipping the atrocity that was Divination and trying to get the damn flashbacks out of my head.

I knew it wasn’t Lupin’s fault, of course not. He didn’t know, there was no way. The whole thing was both mine and Black’s fault, his for tricking me and me for believing it. I wasn’t stupid nor naïve, I knew my own self worth and I knew that I wasn’t such a malicious person that I could be conned into believing I was the villain. 

Soon enough, I calmed down, looking up to the skylight and only seeing clouds was worth my time I supposed. I stood up and dusted my uniform with my hands lightly, walking from the Astronomy Tower to my next class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a perspective chapter, of Severus' perspective on the Marauders and on the Whomping Willow incident as a whole. I hope you enjoyed perceptive and paranoid Sev.   
> <3


	12. Letters (The Final)

‘Finally, winter holidays have arrived! Don’t you feel the spirit?  
Because I don’t. Honestly, I used not mind the holidays because I wasn’t alone, all of my friends were supportive of my secret and they often stayed at Hogwarts to keep me company, they were very supportive, and for that, I was thankful. However, this holidays, I’m alone, with no company other than my own sadness and hopefully the letters of the two people who mean the most to me (hint, SB and SS)?  
I suppose that Christmas is always rather beautiful, snow falling, trees pointing upwards being decorated with the brightest of lights and the brightest of smiles on the faces of the people decorating them. I don’t think anyone realises that smiles aren’t just in the lips, but they’re also in the eyes and cheeks. This is why dimples exist people! Like, dimples are known for being cute, but nothing more. Eloquently, what the fuck?  
I want to know your opinions of the holidays as well; do you despise holidays or love them? Do you think they’re a waste of time or any excuse for a celebration is a good one?  
Birthdays I think are just a celebration of living another year, for some (such as patients of deadly diseases), it’s a good thing to celebrate. It’s knowing that you’ve already survived one year and that you may just survive the next one as well. But for people who celebrate birthdays for the sake of celebrating something, I think it’s a waste of time, but I always appreciate a good bar of chocolate, that’s for sure.  
SB, what you said about approaching the friend, I think I will. I’ll approach the friend and hopefully help them on their way back to recovery. I heard them crying again last night, something about being in love but not knowing their names nor faces? To me, that was heartbreaking, I can imagine what it’s like to be in love with someone you’ve never met, never held hands with, never had skin to skin contact. It is quite painful.  
SS, the pure toxicity in that friendship strangely hurt me. I don’t know whether it was because of the fact that she hurt you or you both hurt each other with seemingly little to no remorse, but it was there nonetheless.   
You know, I wish to meet the both of you in real life. I wish that we could become friends, confiding in one another, perhaps.  
I also pose another question;  
How can you miss someone you’ve never met?  
\- RL.’

‘First, I want the record to show that I hate holidays. I despise them. When I was little, it was because of extreme poverty and the fact that I never truly had enough money to celebrate them authentically. Second, most holidays are useless (with the exception being religious holidays, because I’m not that mean). Christmas is supposed to be a religious holiday, sure, but what’s the point in celebrating birth when you can celebrate death instead?  
Christmas is pretty, I must agree with that. People doll in angelic costumes and have voices of honey all for the sake of ‘spirit’ rather than what it’s actually for, visual aesthetic.   
I have always stayed at Hogwarts for the holidays, never will I go home for the Christmas holidays, ever. You know about my past there, it just wouldn’t be appropriate (this is me being strangely good with my vocabulary, please ignore that). Anyways, yes, just as I’m sure SB sees it, it just wouldn’t be a very good idea for me to stay there over the holidays.  
Anyways, RL, I hope reaching out to the friend goes well and that the two of you reunite once more. I know that SB has posed this question before in a similar manner, but what secret is a secret so severe that it can ruin friendships? You don’t have an answer, but just something to muse over, rather.  
SB, I’m sure that you’re not all to blame, after all, you’re human too, aren’t you? Majority of friendships that start healthy and continue to be healthy for majority of the relationship are mostly mutual and to blame from both people, yes?  
Anyways, I know that this letter is short, but I actually have a detention that I must attend (long story).   
Good luck to the both of you, and SB, you better not be at your home or I swear to fucking god I will drag you back.  
All my love,  
\- SS.’

‘RL, SS,  
I can assure you that I am not home and that I am at the castle as of far, anyways. May sneak into Hogsmade if I’m in the mood, I don’t know. (I have no idea how to spell, don’t mind me RL and SS, I know that the two of you are sophisticated people who know how to spell, please do not attack.)  
Holidays, I love them. They’re time off. They’re a time to bring people together and they’re a rest from the usually hellish lives we normally carry. I suppose, it’s a time of trivia, because some people derive pleasure from breaks, whilst others do not.   
I have a crisis, which I need help on. This one is different to the last, it’s a lot more personal.  
I’m in love. I’m so far deep in love that when I drink alcohol, I think that they’re going to be disappointed in me. But then when I remember that they probably don’t care, I cry and I take another sip from the bottle.  
Dramatic, isn’t it?  
I’m in love with two different people, and these two different people are similar, yet contrast a lot.   
One of them is clever, and wittily so. They’re both witty, for the record, but this person is a lot more sarcastic and reigned in. This person is very controlled, only asks certain questions and reveals certain things, but that’s one of the many reasons that I love them. I don’t know who they are, and I’ve never talked to them verbally, but I’m very dear of them and I’d do anything for them.  
The other is incredibly passionate about subjects they love, and our interactions are shorter, but it gives me the same feeling as with the other person I’m in love with. They and I have so much chemistry, along with the third person, I feel like we have a lot of contrast rather than a lot in common, and I need that so much. He is also responsible, but reckless in the way they don’t know how to take care of themselves to save the world. They’re insecure, and view them as less, but I view them as everything.  
Is it strange to be in love with more than one person? Is it selfish? Is it greedy? What emotions should I be feeling from this? Because I’m mostly feeling sorrow from the feeling that they will never love me back like that. Their words are most likely playful and teasing, and don’t have much meaning to them.   
And, RL, I know how you can miss someone you’ve never met. It’s a yearning in your chest. It’s a desire for more, yet the feeling that the desire is selfish and must be hidden away, hence you never introduce yourself and you are inevitably a coward. Now, RL darling, I know you must’ve read many romance books, and you must know what love is like, as you are very loveable (at least in your letters you are) but it seems like this love must be different, hm? Well, not to worry. I’m sure that whoever you miss must miss you back (maybe they stare at you from afar, maybe they look at you in longing and wonder, wishing it was them your glance fell to, not knowing that their wishes had come true).  
SS, yes, I just gave RL a lot of compliments, but no need to fish for them. You’re too cute for that, and I’m too cute to be a fish… so…  
You’re adorable SS, you truly are. Your words are cute, that’s what I sincerely think. I adore how you write and I adore the context behind it. I know that you make yourself appear to be rough and cold, when in reality you’re anything but, at least on the inside. I know that you have some rough edges, and understandably so, but you’re a softie at heart that wants nothing more than happiness, oh, that I know. Well, just know that I adore both exterior and interior, I adore that you pretend to be this tough and aggressive and assertive person yet you prove time and time again that you’re not actually who you seem to be.  
The two of you are mysteries, and I love that a lot. I love mysteries and I love puzzles, unbeknownst to most.   
How should I confess?  
(P.S. If I shall confess, do I do it in English or French? Both are adorable, in my opinion.)  
With utmost sincerity,   
\- SB.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These oblivious motherfuckers I swear to fucking god! Sirius literally described them but Remus and Severus are too fucking insecure to realise that it's them he's talking about! They're so oblivious, this is the reason I added the tags (people love the tags, sue me).
> 
> (P.S. Sorry for raging at my own story, but this my favourite story and when I write stories, I get very attached very quickly.)


	13. Christmas

For most, Christmas was meant to be a time of beauty, it was meant to be something of celebration and of pure happiness. For most, Christmas was meant to be a happy occasion, to celebrate union and to celebrate the birth of a belief that many still had to this day. For most, Christmas was supposed to be the holiday of giving, the holiday of spirit, and the holiday of joy.

But not for me.  
Christmas was an excuse for giving people expensive things that they didn’t even want; it was giving whilst expecting to receive in turn. Christmas was an excuse to unify people that didn’t want to be unified; family dinners with estranged parents were the perfect example. Was I speaking about the Malfoy and Black families when I used that example? Absolutely. Christmas was something that was known for spirit and happiness; yet pushed so many people further into happiness. There wasn’t a day in which everyone in the universe is happy, so why say so?

I sat in the Great Hall for dinner, picking at my food quietly as I did so. I watched the people around me, unfocused on the potions textbook opened in front of me. I then looked to the Christmas trees, bright and decorated and I nearly smiled, despite myself. I could imagine RL, SB and I taking photos with the trees, for the aesthetic of course, no shame in that. We would laugh and smile for the camera, RL would urge SB to smile while SB would be busy trying to make himself look good for the camera, I’d accidentally insist that he always looked good whether on camera or not then I’d die of embarrassment on RL’s shoulder. It was an imaginary scenario, but one I couldn’t stop adding details and thoughts to, much to my chagrin. 

Black and Lupin sat alone at the Gryffindor table, moved to completely different sides. It was almost as if the two didn’t have the history they did. I didn’t pity them, because it was pity that I despised. I saw the look in Lupin’s eyes as he absently ate, he looked lonely and sorrowful, he kept looking to Black as if he was something precious, special.   
But I decided not to dwell on them for too long. It was Christmas Eve after all, and oh was I going to make the fucking worst of it. 

At the time I didn’t know that I would spend most of my time being bitter and jealous for no apparent reason.

I had a sick feeling in my stomach when the thought of love arrived and I left the table, leaving my plate in the middle of the table and walking out, having barely eaten anything.   
I went into my dorm and into the bathroom, I then looked into the mirror and into my reflection. I was exhausted. I was thinner I had been in a long time, it seemed as if I had gained no weight at all, which I usually did when I was at Hogwarts, instead, I noticed with much alarm that I had lost weight. 

I had deep eyebags under my eyes from the astronomical amount of detentions I served and had left. Which reminded me that I had another detention that night, not on Christmas Day of course, because that’s ‘cruel’, but I didn’t mind.

I rolled my eyes at my reflection and put a ribbon in my pocket, in case I wanted to tie my hair, which I didn’t do often, but the option was always there. I took my potions textbook from my bedroom and left, cloak swishing behind me as it always did. 

As I did my detention (scrubbing cauldrons), I scrubbed harder and harder, until my hands were bleeding from the pressure that I had put on them.

I was jealous. I didn’t know why, but I was jealous of SB, I read the previous letter he had sent. I was jealous of the love he had for the two people who shall remain unnamed. I didn’t know why I felt how I did, shouldn’t I have been happy for SB? Shouldn’t I have been happy that he was so in love? Was it selfish of me to be miserable that SB found happiness in someone else other than me?

It was that moment that I started contemplating feelings for the two, SB and RL.

Were we close friends? Or were we something else entirely?

I didn’t want to know at the time, nor did I care. Let’s just say that… that Christmas was miserable and not once I was happy, apart from the same hypothetical thought of RL, SB and I taking photos by the Christmas tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, for background of the memory, it wasn't really visuals, SS doesn't know what the other two look like, they were mostly voices accompanied by blurry visuals of Christmas trees.
> 
> (Ah, Severus is jealous, and he starts to contemplate slightly, good times, good times. I can't tell whether this is more oblivious or not as oblivious.)  
> Also, sorry for the short chapter, New Years will most likely be the same length.


	14. Envy

The snow fell around me outside, and I shivered by the windowsill in the corridor. I had sat myself on a windowsill around half an hour before and I had started reading my potions book, looking for mistakes I had not yet revised, as I often did. 

Mistletoe appeared in the middle of the corridor and I stared at it with much disgust. Mistletoe, a Christmas plant that forced you to kiss whoever was under it with you. I had never been caught under it myself, there were charms to repel those type of plants that I researched about quite a long time ago. I was envious of those who actually had someone to kiss under the mistletoe. 

It reminded me of Lily and Potter, a couple who were never meant to be. Potter’s love for Lily wasn’t love, it was a crush turned to an obsession. I didn’t want to be stuck in the middle of that.

I thought about SB and who he loved, the seemingly perfect people he loved. Were they popular? Were they loved by many? I still didn’t know why, but I reeked of jealousy. Of envy. I slammed my book shut and stormed off to the library. I stalked off to the Restricted Section and opened the bottle, unravelling the parchment, finding a new letter from RL.

‘SB, congratulations on finding love! I would assume that SS would’ve responded already… but I think someone’s a little jealous! Don’t worry SS, SB’s attention will still be directed to the two of us. You don’t need to worry about anything at all.  
As for the confession, I recommend confessing at the same time, say it in English, don’t tell them you can speak French until you’re in the bedroom. I mean, French is kinky, surely SS will agree with me on this, right? Everyone just knows that French is the kinkiest language and it’s the most romantic, I will not repeat myself.  
I have a feeling I know who the people you speak of are, but I’ll keep quiet for now and write fondly from afar, just as I usually do.   
SS, about the friendship… I may have fucked up. I tried to approach them… then we started fighting, then we both started crying, we haven’t spoken since. I know I said I’d try, and I’m so sorry, I did, but I fucked up. I miss my friend so much, SB, SS, fuck, I miss him so damn much! I know I’m not one to swear, but this is a different matter entirely.  
I’m sorry, I honestly should not be complaining, but I just don’t know anymore. I truly don’t. I think I should wait it out for a while, allow us both to move on before making amends. Do you agree?  
(I just want you both to know that I’m not dense, SB, I know who you love, and SS, I know who you love too. I understand it all.)  
\- RL.’

I should’ve known that RL wasn’t dense, of course he’d know everything. He’d know about my feelings as of late and who SB loves. Of course, he would know these things, RL was smart. Too smart. It unnerved me and scared me. I didn’t want him to know, especially if I hadn’t worked said things out yet! 

‘RL, it’s scary how much you know. Yes, I might have been jealous, but it’s not of what you think it is (I promise it isn’t over someone, I’m not that much of a stereotypical teenager, don’t you believe me?) Do you really think I’m in love? I don’t really know if I’m in love…  
SB, just as RL said, congratulations. I sure hope these two loves are making you happy, if not, I swear to god I will do something.  
I think it’s okay to love more than one person, as long as you don’t act on it if you aren’t single. Loving is okay, cheating isn’t. There’s a difference between being polyamorous and being an asshole, yeah? I hope that you’re lucky in love, both of you, and that you’re happy.   
I know what it’s like to miss someone you’ve never met. I do, that I can promise. It’s like loving someone that’s in your provision, yet just out of reach. It’s like trying to cling onto the last hope for happiness, but failing, because your anxiety failed you along the way. Love is unfair, imagine being so obsessed with an image of something, a concept, that you start to think of it as reality? That is what love is, I think.  
I wouldn’t truly know, because I don’t think I’ve been in love before, but that’s what I think it is.   
Good luck with love, both of you. I’m happy for the both of you, in love or not, and hope that all works out…  
All my love,  
\- SS.’

It hurt me to lie, it hurt me to pretend that everything was okay. It hurt to force a smile on my face as I wrote that. I wanted to be the supportive friend, I really did, but I wasn’t being supportive at all. I was jealous, and I still didn’t know why. They were just friends over a parchment, why did I want the lovers of SB gone? And what did RL know that I didn’t… about myself?

The Slytherins were hosting a party, and the whole upper school was invited. It wouldn’t be many people, that I knew. I needed to forget it all. I needed to forget everything.  
I headed down to the Slytherin common room and snatched a bottle from a nearby table, taking a lengthy swig. I didn’t usually drink, but the burn in the back of my throat was like how SB described it. It was soothing. 

“Snape! Welcome to the party!” Mulciber slurred, quite clearly already wasted. I rarely went to parties, and when I did, it was to forget, drink myself into sleep. I forced a polite nod and took another swig, heading to the dance floor in the middle of the corridor. 

I only danced to fit in with the crowd, it was the easiest place to get completely wasted with no one paying attention. I swayed my body slightly as I drank, the alcohol giving me a bubbling feeling within me. 

I stumbled onto the couch and drank some more, setting the bottle onto the table eventually and sinking further down. I imagined SB being there, dancing with his two loves blissfully, unaware of my jealousy. I imagined RL being there too, eventually falling for a nice girl and partying with her too. They both forgot about me, both blissful with each other and others. My envy seeped through my magic, it was going to do something bad, this, I could not detect. 

I went over to Mulciber and Avery, who were both delightfully wasted, just as I was.

“Oi! Snape! Get over ‘ere!” Avery exclaimed. I slumped into a chair and faced them, head low.

“What’s up?” My Northern accent that I kept so well maintained when sober creeped out. Lucius Malfoy had taught me to train my voice to sound different when I was young, and that I did, however, when I was drunk, I had no control. Mulciber snickered with much disgust.

“Don’t you have that feral accent under control by now? You sound like a bloody mad man you do.” They laughed and I scowled.

“Shut your mouth.” They chuckled some more before going back on topic, Avery leaning forward and his voice quietening.

“So… Snape, Mulciber and I are going to join the Dark Lord next year… you are too… right?” I froze, blood rushing through my ears as I thought. Was I going to join Voldemort next year? 

I chuckled, raising my nearly empty bottle of unknown alcohol.

“I’m not sure lads, I’ll see what happens next year.” They patted me on the back, smirking menacingly.

“We’ve always got a spot for talent like yours Snape, just let us know.” I nodded, standing up clumsily and leaving the table. I stumbled over to the stairs, climbing down to my dorm. Then I froze. 

Could I leave SB and RL up there? Alone? I knew they were there, everyone in the same year as me and upwards was there…

I collapsed onto the staircase, clinging to the rail and sobbing against the wall, gasping for breath. The alcohol was taking over, influencing both my magic and actions. I was broken, sobbing loudly without anyone being able to see my face nor my purpose. 'I hate them, I hate them...' the mantra repeated itself in my head, somewhat comforting me.

“10!” The voice of Sirius Black exclaimed.

“9!” Everyone in that room joined him.

“8, 7, 6, 5, 4!” I finished the numbers quietly, choking on sobs.

“3… 2… 1…” I stated firmly, knowing they couldn’t hear me. The next thing I heard was screams loud enough to turn me deaf and I only sobbed harder, my head throbbing and my jealousy peaking. 

“SB, RL… I don’t want you to fall for someone other than me…” I choked on a sob once more, the tears falling faster and I curled into myself more. I didn’t think of my mutterings, for I was intoxicated.

“I love you… don’t do this to me.” That was when I passed out on that staircase, body curled and arms splayed.

I woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and an extremely sore back. Multiple Slytherins surrounded me and I groaned, sitting up. I glared at them all, retrieving my wand but not being able to retrieve the dignity that came with it.

“What are you doing here?” I asked them. Majority of them scampered, whilst Mulciber and Avery remained. I knew they didn’t actually care, that it was for pretences. With a groan, I got myself up from the floor and climbed down the stairs slowly, walking to my dorm room and getting hangover potion. I also washed my face in the bathroom, not bothering to look at my reflection.

I don’t remember what I had said last night, but now these feelings of sorrow were stronger than they were last night and they loomed over me such as Death did to his victims.  
I merely walked away to my bed, falling face first into the covers and closing my eyes, for my misery was not strong enough to destroy me, I was merely too weak to fight it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so drunk Severus knows what is up, but sober Severus is miserable and oblivious. RL has his shit sorted and no one else does. 
> 
> Real life exists, amen. I'm not apologising for updating late, I used to do that, but I later found out that I shouldn't have to, because I update more regularly that most people anyways. So what was the point? Also, real life does get in the way.


	15. Exhaustion

I was exhausted nowadays, I was too tired to go to the library and write letters, I was too tired to drag myself to the Great Hall and eat. I thought that November was tiring; January had me wanting to fall asleep forever. I only took Dreamless Sleep on bad days or emergencies, I couldn’t risk addiction, I truly couldn’t. But because of choosing the safe option, I was deprived of rest. My mind was hyperactive at night; yet exhausted at day.

I weakly got out of bed, stumbling to my cupboard and pulling my school robe off. My legs took me to the shower and I got undressed, slowly walking to the shower and flicking the water taps with a jerk of my wrist. The water was scorching, burning my skin and sins away, yet I was still drowsy. I grabbed onto the shower wall to balance myself, as I nearly fell. My feet landing back on the ground caused a loud bang, which I flinched at. 

Eventually, with my hair still wet, and tie not properly tied, I walked to the Great Hall. Everyone I passed ignored me, which I was grateful for. The snow outside was falling gently, as if they were saturated tears. 

I did the same thing every day, yet I only got tired then? I had the same routine every single day, yet why was it only then that I started feeling it? I thought about SB and RL every night, my posture still, my eyes blinking of their own accord. I could no longer tell the difference between being awake and asleep. I thought that I was alright… I thought that I would get through it… but future events would prove otherwise.

It was mid-January, my birthday had come and gone, as had the start of the new term. I found myself more miserable than ever and less active in letter writing. I missed them, I missed SB and RL, but I didn’t have the energy to write back, only adding to my misery.

“Snivellus!” Potter yelled, sneering at me. I couldn’t muster the energy to sneer back, so I merely walked past him, my head down. Exhaustion consumed me, and I wasn’t even trying to look better.

“What do you think you’re doing? Don’t ignore me Snivellus!” I ignored him; I didn’t have the energy to turn around. I didn’t have the energy for paranoia. I thought it was a bad day… that was all I thought it was…

“Snivellus!” I heard him yell once more, shoving me from behind. I finally turned around, my head only rising slightly as if to acknowledge him.

“What do you want Potter?” I managed to say, something different entirely seeping into my voice, and I could tell that Potter sensed it too, from the way that he backed away. My words were slurred, but not as if I had been drinking, they sounded as if I’d faint any minute…

I walked away slowly, finally reaching the Great Hall and sitting at the very end of the Slytherin table. Lazily, I reached for a slice of toast and it landed on my plate with surprisingly little complication. I stared it down, my chin rested in my hand and I realized I wasn’t hungry after all. So, I slid my plate to the person across me slowly, who looked surprise at receiving a slice of toast from a random stranger and I walked away, headed to Transfiguration. 

I didn’t listen to Professor McGonagall’s lecture as I usually did (with little interest, but listening was listening). Instead, I idly twirled my wand in between my fingers tiredly. I was desperate to close my eyes, I was desperate to sleep, but I knew I couldn’t, therefore I instead sat at my desk and allowed my mind to wander distantly.

“Mister Snape? Mister Snape?” I slowly turned my head to Professor McGonagall, who stood in front of the class, looking unimpressed with me, yet concerned at the same time. She was worried; but not worried enough. 

“Yes, Professor?” I slurred tiredly, widening my eyes as if to try wake myself up.

“What’s the answer to the question on the board?” I looked towards the blackboard, but my image was blurry and I could see black dots in my vision. It was something about animagi, but I didn’t know the answer.

“No idea Professor.” She too looked shocked when I spoke, not from my presence nor from the contents, but again, my tone. My words were slurred and I sounded incredibly tired.

“Well, if you were listening, you would know that it was…” She started an endless ramble which I didn’t care for. I was eerily freaked out by the black dots, but I shook my head. I was just feeling a little tired… right?

Multiple classes later and I stumbled down multiple stairs, trying my hardest not to fall. The feeling of dizziness was overcoming me and I shook it off, continuing my journey to the Great Hall. I smelled food from the Great Hall, in which I was nearby and froze, completely still. ‘When was the last time I had food?’ I asked myself. Yesterday…? The day before…? I had no idea. 

I stumbled into the Great Hall and blood pumped through my ears… the dizzy feeling was becoming stronger and stronger, and the black dots became bigger. My vision was blurring, I couldn’t properly see where I was going. I stumbled to Slytherin table and I gripped the edge of it tightly, my knuckles turning whiter than my already pale skin. I breathed in deeply, as if walking had tired me out as much as running away from my problems would’ve. 

“Snape?” I heard the person next to me ask. I ignored them, letting go of the table and trying to head towards the seats. However, my eyes rolled to the back of my head instead and I saw white, then everything went black. I didn’t hear the screams of the people around me, nor did I hear the crowd rushing around me, sprinting to get Madam Pomfrey.   
I felt at peace, my body was finally allowing me to go to sleep. But the heaven only lasted less than a minute. My eyes opened and I groaned, seeing people surrounding me, their pale faces contorted with worry, yelling at me to get help. 

Humiliation crept in and my cheeks flushed, before going pale again from tiredness. ‘I passed out? How could I have passed out? And why in the Great Hall? Seriously? Fucking seriously?’

I sat up weakly, defensive expression resting onto my face and scowling. I had dozens of students surrounding me, majority of them Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, the Ravenclaws mostly surrounding Madam Pomfrey, asking questions about my diagnosis and such. The Slytherins sat at their house table, with the exception of a few, but their faces were the ones that killed me to see the most. 

“Snape? What happened?” I heard Mulciber say, kicking my leg gently as if to remind me he was there. I kicked him back gently to let him know I was fine and I stood up weakly, multiple people reaching out to help me. I batted their arms off, glaring at them heatedly. Now that I was standing, I could see the people around me.   
They were never worried about me… so why now? I was humiliated, Potter was definitely going to use this as blackmail for sure, that I knew.

I saw Lupin standing near the front, hair covering his newest scar from sight and expression seemingly more worried than the others. He looked as if he almost knew this was going to happen. I didn't know why he was worried, and I also didn't know why the look scared me more than the other looks of concern, but I was horrified nonetheless. 

I couldn’t bear it anymore, I truly couldn’t. I shoved past my schoolmates and walked out, cloak billowing behind me hauntingly as I walked, ruined by my grabbing of the Great Hall door, attempting to balance both myself and my dignity.

“Mister Snape!” I heard Madam Pomfrey’s firm voice. I groaned and followed her to the hospital wing, at that age, I knew damn well to follow Madam Pomfrey when she called your name.

“Lay on the bed, now.” I did as was told, closing my eyes and arching my back as I did so, groaning at the painful feeling I felt. I felt her wand on my arm, but I was too tired to identify the spell being used.

“You fainted of exhaustion? Goodness child… there’s nothing I can do. Just drink the glass of water there and rest for a while.” I nodded dumbly, reaching for the water. Satisfied, she tended to other patients and left me alone with my thoughts.

I sipped idly on the water until the glass was empty, then I set it back down. I could see Dreamless Sleep in Madam Pomfrey’s cupboard of Potions and my eyes widened in realisation. I sneaked from my bed and walked out of the hospital wing, heading back to my dormitory. 

I sat on my bed and pertained a vial of Dreamless Sleep from my bedroom drawer, holding it as I thought.

‘I need to take the Dreamless Sleep daily. I won’t let myself pass out like that again… I don’t want that to happen ever again… I won’t succumb to the humiliation, I won’t.’ With that, I tossed my head back and took a sip of Dreamless Sleep. I placed it back on the table and got under my covers, closing my eyes and allowing the potion to take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of the rising action actually, from here on, the story actually gets interesting.


	16. Blood, Sweat and Tears

Once again, I was in the library, reading a textbook containing the intricacies of blood rituals, snow falling gently at the open window next to me. My hair was tied with a black ribbon loosely, allowing a few strands to fall into my eyes as if they were curtaining my face. Only those who truly knew me would know that if I started to tie my hair more frequently, that it meant that I had given up on hiding. Ever since I could remember, my desire to hide in the shadows was stronger, stronger than my will to sacrifice myself for others. 

RL and SB intruded my thoughts rudely, shoving their way into my consciousness without consent nor warning, but somehow, I found myself not minding. I thought of SB’s poetic words, I thought of his flirtatious nature and dangerous intentions. I thought of RL’s snark, I thought of his realism and his genuine concern. To me, they were the most beautiful people, but to themselves, they were not. I didn’t understand how anyone so perfect could doubt themselves, I truly didn’t.

Every day, I missed them more and more, every day, even if I didn’t know it then, I found myself falling in love a little more. I wouldn’t know it then, but after that day, I had tangled myself in something so toxic, yet pure, that I would be nothing without it. If I didn’t have the letters, I would be shattered.

I slammed my book shut and picked up my potions textbook (which I brought everywhere) and stormed off to the Restricted Section, pissed off at my lack of focus. I didn’t care if Madam Pince saw me or if a first year snitched on me, they were too terrified to do so anyways. I went to the same armchair as always and sat myself in it, plucking the parchment from the bottle and unravelling it, only to find a few new letters.

The first new letter was dry, thank god, and it started on a cheerful note. SB always had this way of making me smile, his words were childlike but something entirely different at the same time, and that in itself made my eyes widen in wonder. His duality was amazing, he truly shined, well, at least to me he did. SB was a breed of special I could never read. Back then, I thought it was admiration, but now I know all too well that it was something else entirely. 

‘RL, you know everything don’t you? You’re always Mister Mysterious, aren’t you? I think I’m going to write a poem about you, about each of you. Maybe have a counter for how many times I say the word mystery?  
SS, I agree with what you said, even if it took me a while to realise it. Thank you for being here for me when I needed it most, thank you to the both of you. Your poem will be about how cute you are, I swear.  
One of the people I love are very obviously intelligent but super dense, they don’t even realise that I exist! They compliment me and they’re sweet to me, but they’re so insecure about themselves…   
The other person knows a lot, too much, but shrugs it off with what I believe to be the sweetest smile on his face. I’ve never seen him smile in front of me; so, I wouldn’t know.  
I think it’s suspicious, SS, that you’ve ‘never been in love’ yet you know what it’s like to miss someone you’ve never met. You don’t seem to be the type to read romance books, nor do you seem to be the type to be the comforting friend, I think you’d be the self-deprecating bitch that everyone both loves and hates at the same time.  
What I think is that you have more feelings than you think you do, and that you’re a little dense. (You’re the most emotionally dumb person I have ever met, please don’t kill me.) Please, search for your feelings and tell us what you find. (Who are you falling in love with? If it’s love at least.)  
As for your poems? I’ll write small poems; I hope they’re funny.  
RL,   
Roses are red,  
Violets are blue,   
I’m the Sherlock to your mystery,  
I’m going to find you.  
SS,   
Roses are red,   
Violets are blue,  
You’re oblivious as fuck,  
But I still love you.  
(They speak volumes, don’t you think?)  
\- SB.’

I smiled softly as my finger traced over the poem SB wrote for me. I knew that it was short, and probably made in half a minute, but I adored it nonetheless, I adored everything he wrote, if I was being honest. I focused specifically on the words ‘but I still love you’ and read them to myself again and again, my eyes twinkling. I believed that his words were genuine, I believed his words were always genuine. 

I read the next letter from RL, my expression darkening as I read it. RL had this way of making me rewatch my steps and make me think again. Whilst SB led me astray, RL was the one to stabilise me.

‘SB, thank you for the poem. I know that they were short, but they incredibly summarised both our situations and personalities. You two will find out one day, but that day isn’t today.  
I am mysterious, aren’t I? Though I think I told you two too must (alliteration, SS would know). There’s a lot I haven’t told you, and I’m sorry, but if I did tell you, I would lose you. I lost them; I’m not going to lose you too. I lost my friends because of me revealing my secret, it’s called consequences, you will one day learn their definition.  
I’m also surprised that SS hasn’t already written back, he’s been taking a while lately, hasn’t he? He seems to be replying after a few days rather than a few hours, we miss you SS, please come back soon!  
SS is also very dense, well, at least, if they’re telling the truth about what they think. Either, SS is extremely oblivious or extremely woke. Either way, it’s hurting us, it will hurt us, this, I know. Please, SS, work out your feelings, work everything out. You’re oblivious, I can feel it, and I know you don’t mean it, I know you don’t, but it’s going to hurt all three of us in the long run, I can tell. Just prepare to be hurt, prepare to be burnt. I once loved someone who I am almost certain loved me back very much, however, he did something horrible, and I’m not sure how I feel anymore. Ever since, I suppose I have this… hindsight? In which, I know when I’m going to be hurt, it’s called common sense, and I know we’re going to be hurt.  
Be cautious, be very cautious. I didn’t mean for the letter to turn so dark, but I suppose I’m paranoid (just as always). I’ve let my guard down a lot around the two of you, and I haven’t been as careful as I usually would’ve been and I’m now sceptical, the two of you have left my mind clouded with absurd fantasies, I swear. I’m not sure what I want in real life anymore.  
I’m always here for you both, please know that.  
\- RL.’

RL was now my mistrusting youth again, I didn’t realise just how much he had changed over time until he had changed back. The smile ripped off my face and in it’s place was a saddened frown, confusion in its place. I want to be trusted again… why didn’t RL trust me? He put down so many barriers around me… but now they’re up again. They’re there again. He’s paranoid, around me. And what hurt me most were the letters below, their words, haunting.

I could feel his pain through his letter, he was hurting so much, and it was my fault. All my fault.

‘It has now been 2 weeks and SS still hasn’t responded, and nor have you SB. I can see that neither of you have read this message, however I don’t assume that you’re ignoring me. The end of the school term and this time we’re in are usually the busiest of the year and you have most likely not settled back into school life after the holidays yet.  
I’m feeling more anxious and terrified than ever, if I’m being honest in this particular segment. I’m constantly looking behind me to see who’s going to attack me, even if I never get attacked, I’m constantly scared that someone will let my secret slip to the public, though my ex-friends aren’t arseholes, merely irresponsible.  
I miss you both, and I don’t understand this feeling. It isn’t a feeling I think I like, it’s a subtle twist in my stomach, it’s a reminder, a memory, but I think I know what it is. I think that feeling I used to have, the missing some you’ve never met? I think it’s formed into something else, something more subtle, yet more painful. I still feel the pain, but now I don’t truly know it’s origin.  
(They’re not ready for me to love them back, I know they’re not ready. They love me and I love them, but I can’t risk it.)  
I hope you can write to me soon.  
Sending my love,  
\- RL.’

My hands shook as I reread the letter, now pale from the heartbreak they held. He was an emphasised version of his original personality, I had never seen him like that, I was scared, I was terrified. I cared for him so much… I didn’t want to lose him… how long ago were these letters from? How long has it been? Why were there three more letters below, when there shouldn’t have been any responses at all? I should’ve written my reply, I shouldn’t have kept them waiting so long…

‘I’m sorry RL, I’m here, even if SS isn’t, I’m here. I can promise you that I’m here no matter what. I may be drunk whilst writing this letter, but that doesn’t mean that my intentions are insincere. In fact, originally sincere intentions are more amplified when shit faced, don’t you think?  
I miss SS, god I fucking miss him. I don’t know if you’re reading these letters, but my heart breaks for you and it burns for you and it bleeds for you. Please, come back SS, come back. It’s now early February, it’s nearly been a month, I miss you so much. Fuck, I don’t want you to dissociate yourself from me. From us.  
I’ve been drinking more and I’ve been crying more and fuck I’ve been getting thinner. The other week, someone passed out in the Great Hall and I was fucking terrified. I never want to be like him, exhausted to the point of passing out in front of everyone. He scares me. But not for the reason everyone else is scared of him. I don’t want to end up like him. I don’t want to die of overdose, I refuse to die of overdose.  
I love you both so damn much and I don’t want to lose you, don’t let me lose you, please…  
I’ve been doing worse and worse, and not seeing your replies hits me really hard SS, at least RL responds! Where are you SS… where are you?  
\- SB.’

When I saw the letter, tears filled my eyes, and I traced over SB’s initials. He was scared of me; he was just like everyone else… but he was different. He wasn’t scared of me for the reason everyone else was, he was scared of me because he didn’t want to become me. I cared for him so much… and I was about to lose him. I didn’t want to lose him…

I was attached to them both, and dauntingly so. I noticed every small detail and every milestone through the letters, I noticed the growing attachment and the closeness between us. I noticed everything else but the thing that needed to be noticed most… myself.

Much to my horror and sorrow, there were blood stains on SB’s part of the parchment. Blood. Something I dealt with a lot. Coming from a potioneer, blood shouldn’t have been scary, but those blood stains on the parchment horrified me. They filled me with sadness. If it were anyone other than the two of them, I don’t think I would’ve cared. 

“Why is there… blood…?” My voice wavered as I spoke, I placed the hood of my robes over my head, and ironically, it covered my face, causing me to chuckle sinisterly before realising that the situation was nothing to chuckle over.

Reading the last letter, I let myself go and I broke down, at first crying silently as I read the letter, progressively getting louder as I read more.

‘SB, why is there blood on the parchment? Why were you bleeding whilst drunk? Were you self-harming? I don’t know what to think anymore, you both have confused me to the point of absurdity!  
SS, have we lost you? Did you slowly disappear instead of saying goodbye? Have you left to try find yourself? Why did you leave without saying goodbye?   
This letter is short, because I don’t have much time left until class, but I needed to say something.  
SB, you need to talk to us, please, talk to me at least! I know that you’re struggling with SS being gone, but I need you! You can’t disappear like he did! You can’t!  
SS, I suppose this is goodbye, if you’re not coming back. It was euphoric whilst it lasted, I know you’re likely to not come back, and that this is childish, but I wish we had more time together. I wish you had at least said something.  
I love you both.  
Sending my love,  
\- RL.’

I sobbed loudly, covering my mouth with my hand and sobbing into it, trying to muffle myself. My fingers gripped the parchment tightly and I read it over and over, sending myself into a fit of tragedy. Then, I wrapped my arms around myself, as they were all I had. I was alone, completely alone. 

They thought I had left them. I had left them without even realising what I was doing. I was pining for them more and more every day, yet I had subconsciously distanced myself without knowing I was doing it. 

There were tear stains on the parchment, from both myself and RL, which only made me feel worse. RL’s tears staining what was once euphoric broke my heart. I made them feel that sorrow, everything was my fault. 

So, I wrote back, tears falling and hands shaking. The note was cryptic, but it was enough.

’I’m so sorry.   
This dissociation, it was accidental, I swear. I began missing the two of you more and more everyday but I was somehow subconsciously disappearing from reality and entering my fantasy world.   
I love you both so much, I didn’t mean to leave, please forgive me. Please…  
All my love,  
\- SS.’  
Those words were the most I could muster, anymore and my hands would’ve torn the parchment. 

As I cried, and as I fell deeper into my mind, I felt arms being wrapped around me and I froze. I turned around to look at him and I saw that he also had a hood on, so I couldn’t see who it was, but I knew that he was male. He slowly reached for the parchment and circled around ‘RL’ as if to identify himself. I nodded and he sat down next me, tightening his hold on me. I sobbed harder and put my hands on his arms. I didn’t deserve this, I didn’t deserve this after all I had done, but I found myself leaning into him, nonetheless. 

He was warm, undeniably so, it was something I had never felt before. He didn’t speak, nor did he shush me, he merely held me. 

In that moment, he was what I needed most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the chapter title is a BTS reference, for those who understand.
> 
> You've waited a long time, and I finally got this chapter done. Here it is!


	17. Parallel

I was a kid from the streets, I was feral, I was savage, I would fight with no hesitance and no one to stop me. I beat up people for money, I did what I had to do to survive. In a town like Spinners End, particularly in the poor side of town, you had to fight off people otherwise you were made a disgrace of, you had to fight for food or else you didn’t deserve it. In Spinners End, you didn’t ask for things. You fought for them. I was raised as a savage; I was raised to do whatever it took to survive. 

In my first year, these instincts were strong in me and Lucius Malfoy was the first to notice. From the way I took things as if I’d die without it to the way I talked, a Northern drawl apparent in my voice. He eventually taught me to be more ‘Southern’, more ‘civilized’, but sometimes, sometimes, those instincts came back without me meaning for them to. Sometimes the urge to fight and to scream and to curse to get what I needed came back. 

No wonder, Lucius Malfoy was an awful teacher after all; and will be an even worse parent. Good friend; kind of an asshole, bad at everything else. Except being a disgrace. Oh, he was brilliant at that.

This was one of those moments, one of the most significant out of a full set of memories. I remembered this day with much rage, not for the memory itself but what was said within the memory, the insinuations and the insults. It was one of the few memories in which I had truly lost control of my emotions and anything to do with them. 

“Snivellus.” Potter’s condescending voice reached my ears and I sighed, looking up from my Charms essay and onto his confrontational look. Fear instilled into me; I was like prey waiting for an attack.

“Potter, was there something you needed?” My voice quivered only slightly, I was scared, no matter how much I told myself I wasn’t, I was scared he’d do something to me, I was scared he’d beat me up, break me down and shove me to the ground, ruin me more than I had ruined myself already. 

I was scared of breaking, that I’d reveal something I didn’t mean to or that they would know my background. I couldn’t risk more bullying, I simply couldn’t. Not when I had RL and SB, I couldn’t lose them again, not when I was already bullied enough, I had to keep my head up, I couldn’t disappear.

“Rumors has it that you’re still in love with Evans. Are you?” An expression of shock flashed onto my face, along with one of disgust. Was I so out of touch with the rest of Hogwarts that there were rumors about Lily and I? And what did Lily think about this? Had she heard about this at all? Or was Potter starting drama?

“No.” I denied slowly, thinking of what else to say. “I don’t know where you got those absurd assumptions from Potter, but I’m definitely not in love with Lily.” I was telling the truth. I never loved Lily in that way, she was always just a sister to me. Potter’s face scrunched into one of disgust, sneering at me with what he thought was confidence but what I saw as insecurity.

“I think you’re lying to me; I know that’s not the truth, I know you’re still in love with her. Well, news for you Snivellus,” he pulled me by my collar and shoved me to the wall. Professor Flitwick wasn’t in the classroom at the time, and no one would dare oppose him, hence I stayed silent, as did the rest of the class. I made eye contact with Lily and she looked towards James with a look of pity, instead of pulling him away. That was the moment I knew I had truly lost her, and that I had to stop trying to act like a good guy, when in reality, I knew very well I wasn’t.

“She’s mine. She loves me. She’ll never love you.” I exhaled shakily, he did exactly what I feared he’d do, yet I didn’t find myself shaking or crying or nothing. Anger rose in me, just as it did that day I lashed out at Potter and made my magical prowess known. The parallels between the two were freakily similar. Was I experiencing a parallel?

“No one will ever love you.” Anger rose further in me, because I knew that it was a lie. SB and RL loved me, right? Surely, they did, or else they would’ve left, right? At the time, I didn’t dwell on it, but I knew that it would haunt me later. 

“Why can’t you leave me alone Potter? What did I do to you?” My tone was confrontational, just as he had been minutes ago. He looked enraged, in fury.

“Listen Snivellus! I hate you because you exist, you ruined my life, you ruined my chances with Lily!” Lily’s face was confused, and rightfully so. Black looked distant, as though he wanted to say something but chose to stay silent. Lupin had the same expression, but it was represented differently on the two.

I was tired of taking the blame, I was sick of being at fault all of the damn time, I was sick of everything being my fault when it reality, it just wasn’t. Just as Potter was about to punch me, I slammed him into the desk behind him, a look of rage in my eyes. I was tired of it all, I knew my self- worth, I knew that I had talent, that would be absurd to deny. But I also knew that I was still that same street kid from the summer holidays, I was still that same feral teenager who had to fight to eat, I was still the same teenager who was insecure and alone.

“You ruined your own chances with her! You say she’s yours as if she’s a prize to be won! Everything is a prize to you Potter, I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of holding back. You hate me because I existed, well, so do many others! What makes you so special, huh? Huh?” I had managed to keep the Southern accent in my voice but my fury was undeniable, my shaking was undeniable, my pinning of Potter’s wrists to the desk was undeniable. Potter wasn’t scared, he was angry, just as I was.

“I’m better than you’ll ever be Snape, you’re just jealous. I’m the better man for Lily Evans, more people like me, I play Quidditch, I’m talented, I’m popular, I’m rich, I have parents who love me, I’m in the better house, I have everything you don’t, and I know you’re envious of me Snape. It’s not my fault my parents love you and yours don’t, it’s not my fault you’ll never have money, it’s not my fault no one cares about you.” He yelled, forcing the class into a complete silence. I felt as if I had been slapped in the face, as if someone had drowned me in the Great Lake and no one had gone back up to save me. 

I slammed him to the ground and I punched his face so hard I could feel him groaning into my fist. I chuckled sinisterly, angrily, sadly. I kicked him in the stomach, just as hard as he used to kick me, causing him to groan. He looked fearful, he looked just as scared of me as he did that day. It wasn’t even close to what he had done in the past, but it instilled more anger into me, and more fear. Anger that he’d take this further than it needed to be, fear that he would destroy me.

“You may be the bully here Potter,” my Northern accent had come out with my anger, causing the room to break out in whispers in a sudden situation of weirdness and inability to recognize where it had come from.

“But I’m still the same kid I was before, I’m still the same kid who fights in the street, I’m still the same teenager who spends his summer holidays fighting people for both money and food. I earnt my talent, I earnt the little money I do have, I earnt the food I eat every day, I earnt the right to be here at Hogwarts, and what did you? Have Mummy and Daddy pay your way in?” The accent I had grown up with, my native voice had come out stronger, forcing the room into surprise. Lily was the only one not surprised, as she too had seen at least some of it. 

Potter was in rage, bleeding made him look a lot more serious. 

“At least I’m not poor, at least I’m of nobility.” He sneered. My eyes widened at that statement, as did the rest of the room. Did he realise what he just said? I looked up and I saw Lupin’s saddened expression, Lily’s horrified one and Black’s disgusted one.

“You-“ We started kicking and punching at each other, rolling on the floor and yelling as we did so. Potter may have been bigger in build, but I had year’s worth of experience, I knew where to punch, I knew what hurt the most, I knew where to kick. Potter hit blindly for whatever thought he would be the most painful, whilst I hit where I could get him on the ground and escape.

No one came to pull us apart, no one came to stop us, they just watched in horror. Eventually, I had control and I pinned him down, beating him into unconsciousness, just as he had done to me several times before. I wasn’t the person trying to avoid confrontation anymore, I wasn’t trying to avoid anything anymore.

“Mister Snape, Mister Potter!” He ran to separate us, Potter laying on the floor and me gasping for breath, blood streaming down my legs, arms, hands, nose, and mouth. I could feel that my jaw was broken as was my nose. Now that I was no longer fighting, I felt the pain course through my body, I felt the watery blood and I felt cracked bones. 

“What is the meaning of this?” The entire class stayed silent, not knowing what to say. Black looked as if he wanted to speak up, however he didn’t, staying in his seat like a coward, his eyes on me.

“Sir.” I heard Lupin start, and I swallowed. Why was Lupin talking?

“James confronted him and attacked him first both verbally and physically, Severus merely overpowered him is all.” I found myself in shock from this statement, more so than anything Potter had said earlier. Why was he defending me? Was it because I had won?

“Very well, I will work out what to do from here, thank you Mister Lupin.” He lifted Potter and conjured a stretcher, settling him on it.

“Can you walk?” He asked me. I nodded weakly, holding onto the wall for support. We walked to the hospital wing in silence, for which I was grateful. Professor Flitwick never talked much, he did what he needed to do without much fuss. If the situation was less serious, he’d chat here and there, but this wasn’t one of those situations, therefore he stayed silent.

Madam Pomfrey fussed over Potter first whilst I sat on the bed next to him and waited, calming myself down in my mind.

“It’s over now.” I whispered to myself. ‘It’s over, you won and he lost, you’re going to face consequences, and that’s alright, but don’t cause too much fuss, you don’t want to lose more control than you’ve already lost.’

Once Madam Pomfrey finished with Potter, she moved onto me , shaking her head and tutting. 

“Why do I keep having you in my hospital wing Mister Snape? You were here not that long ago, you escaped I recall.” I nodded neutrally.

“Yes, Madam Pomfrey.” I answered her questions with little to no enthusiasm, watching as my cuts were patched up. Soon after, I was allowed to leave, and I did so gratefully, thanking her politely on my way out and walking to the library.

As my classmates went out to lunch and as I went to the library, I head their whispers, I heard their rumors. Some of them made me smirk, people at Hogwarts were terrible gossips.

“He’s a street kid, Northern Ireland nonetheless.” ‘I thought wizards and witches were meant to be less racist, not more?’ I mused to myself, pursing my lips together. I kept my head down and listened carefully.

“Be careful of that one, he’s a savage.” ‘It’s called being poor, ever heard of it?’ I snickered at that.

“He’s more powerful than all of us.” ‘Hasn’t that circulated already?’ After a while, I tuned out and opened the door to the library, all the things people said were the same, so why would I listen to them?

I headed straight towards the Restricted Section, opening the door and closing it just as silently, creeping to the armchair I was usually at, only to freeze. 

An alcohol bottle rested on the coffee table next to the chair, tequila, some of Professor McGonagall’s, I noted. A figure with their hood on was curled up on the chair, faced to the side, writing on the parchment with what looked to be a new quill. From a rich family, I thought. 

I could hear sobbing, and I flinched. This was a parallel situation, except I was RL and he was me. I looked over his shoulder gently to read the letter and what I saw shocked me.

‘SS! I’m so happy you’re back! I feel euphoric and overjoyed, I’m crying both from happiness and sadness at the same time. I really missed you.  
Did you hear about the fight? I heard all that was said and I was terrified, I was frozen. He fought back and I was so shocked that he fought back. I had never seen him fight Potter and his cronies before, and when I heard that he did physically over magically, and he won, I was scared. I guess I was scared because we were so oblivious, there were so many parallels to what the war will be in the future. Two sides, eerily similar yet one contrast that sets them apart, and the first side wins for a while but the second side wins the war that matters?  
I found myself disgusted with what was said about nobility and everything. Nobility is a codeword for pureblood, everyone knows that. When you say, ‘at least I’m from nobility’ it’s not saying, ‘at least I’m rich’. It’s saying, ‘at least I’m a pureblood’. I was disgusted, and I don’t know why I’m crying over it but it reminds me of people I know and it reminds me of how they hurt muggleborns and halfbloods.  
I don’t want anyone to be discriminated. What are your thoughts on it?  
\- SB.’

I wrapped my arms around him and I held him tightly, just as RL had done to me not long ago. He sobbed and put his hands on my arms, as if to hold on, as if to tell me to stay. I put my hood on and buried my head into his shoulder, rocking him gently. He hadn’t seen me, so I knew it was okay. I snuggled into him further and inhaled sharply. I pointed to my name and circled it, just as RL had done not too long ago. 

He passed out in my arms; I knew when the crying stopped that he wasn’t present anymore. I stroked his back until I knew for sure he was asleep and then I froze.  
‘What do I do now?’ I asked myself, looking like a deer in the headlights. I dropped him and he fell onto the other side of the armchair, snuggling into it subconsciously. I slowly backed away before running out of the library; like the coward I was. Channeling my inner Lucius, I supposed. 

Was I having two parallels of two different days in the same day? Yes. Was that a good thing? No. Was I going to drink myself into a stupor with Dreamless Sleep? Maybe. I felt different that day, I didn’t know what it was, but I felt as if I had done something wrong by leaving him there, as if I should’ve stayed until he woke up. Was I a coward for leaving? Maybe. Was I doing the right thing by doing what I did? No. Was I an asshole? Yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter so fucking much!   
> I imagine that with Severus' background he'd know how to fight for things, and he accidentally channels that with Potter. 
> 
> He is having parallels of the same 2 days, yes, the duel scene and the Remus and Severus scene.
> 
> By the way, Severus is oblivious :3 but you love it (not a threat).


	18. Perspective

I sat up in my bed, late at night, curtains closed around me. For the first time in a long time, I hadn’t felt the temptation to reach for my Dreamless Sleep and forget for the night, to leave my problems for the day. For the past week or two, I had taken Dreamless Sleep every day, which I knew couldn’t be good for my health, but I was ready to sacrifice my health for my mental capacity. Naturally, I was raised to care more about my survival than my health, life over health was how it was. Only the rich and the people who could afford to be healthy were healthy, at least in my father’s opinion.

I thought of SB and RL, and the hugs, the crying, the blood, the tears. When had we gotten so addicted to one another that we stopped functioning? I knew it was them, judging by RL tracing his name and catching SB writing the letter. I had no desire to find out who they really were, nor did I desire to meet them in real life. I feared that if we met in real life, they would realise who they had been writing to and they’d slowly stray from me. No one would be caught dead spending time with me, not even Lily would back in the day. 

“Expecto Patronum.” My soft voice called, a silver-blue doe coming out from the tip of my wand. I sat up straight in my bed and watched her prance around my bed for a while, running around the dorm before settling next to me in my bed, head on her hooves. It was rare for a Patronus to be the opposite gender of the caster, but it was alright, for at least I could cast one. From my knowledge, I was one of the only Slytherins who could. 

I cast the Patronus because I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to feel as if I was safe in my dormitory whilst I contemplated. No dangerous thoughts could intervene, not with my Patronus there to be guardian. 

SB was complicated, he truly was. He was an alcoholic, he was sad, I knew that, yet he seemed to remain optimistic, and not as a façade. It was almost bipolar in a sense; I didn’t know what to think. To hold him, to know it was actually him felt amazing, however, for him to not know who I was, felt relieving. 

RL was even more so, after his sudden personality change, I found myself missing the witty and open RL, but I also found myself attracted to the paranoid, careful thinking RL. I often wondered about his secret, what was a secret so deadly that it could kill you if it was revealed? RL always seemed smarter than both SB and I, he knew who we ‘loved’ yet he didn’t know who we were. 

Something the three of us had discussed a lot was the feeling of missing someone you had never met. We had silently agreed that it was different for everyone. For me, it now felt like a sharp pain in my chest, someone that was in reach yet my anxiety refused to reach out. RL and SB were so far away yet so close, they were so close to me, why did I let them slip away?

I was a coward, I truly was. RL and SB were the only people I could trust nowadays, yet I let them slip from my arms, just like that? Why did I let them slip away? Was I so immersed  
in the moment that I let them get away? Was I cowardly enough to run away? Yes, I was.

Did I feel love towards them? I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t too sure what love was yet, nor its connotation, therefore, I didn’t ponder on it too much.

My doe had moved to the foot of my bed and had curled up near my feet, causing me to sigh gratefully. I don’t remember when I had started personifying the doe, however, I had been able to cast one since late fourth year. Many didn’t know, but for me, my Patronus was something that stabilized me, was there to make sure I didn’t cry. I had gotten just as attached to my Patronus as I had to RL and SB, yet I knew that the Patronus would never leave me. Unless it changed forms, which was extremely rare within itself. 

I heard my curtain open and I turned to the person who did it, glaring at them whilst still having my wand pointed to the door. Avery’s hair was ruffled, as if he had just woken up. He looked towards me first, then towards the doe.

“So, that’s where the light was coming from.” He mumbled sleepily. I glared at him with tired and narrowed eyes, wishing for him to leave me alone. Suddenly, Avery’s eyes widened once he woke up a little more and saw the doe again.

“I thought that was a stuffed animal of some kind.” I snorted, Avery was an idiot, and remarkably so. He was one of the most oblivious dunderheads I had ever met, and Professor Slughorn existed. I always swore to myself to never become as oblivious as him, that I wasn’t oblivious, that I was aware of everything around me.

“Is that your Patronus? You can cast one Snape? A corporeal one, nonetheless?” I rolled my eyes, too tired for Avery’s shit. My doe seemed to not like Avery either, seeing as she moved closer to me and away from Avery.

“Wow, big words you’re using there Avery. Go away.” Avery pouted for a split second then nodded, closing the curtain and moving to his own bed. I flicked my wand and my doe disappeared into the darkness, leaving me with the black atmosphere once more. I sighed and got into my covers, reaching for a vial on Dreamless Sleep, uncorking it and drinking the second half.

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to pass out, falling asleep quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically a clarification chapter to clear up what's going on. It explains how he knows that during those memories it was RL and SB for real, how he feels and how he's a coward.
> 
> (Also, he vows not to be as oblivious as Avery, yet he's more oblivious? I swear to fucking god Severus, stop making this hard for me.)
> 
> (Severus doesn't know shit, literally nothing, he has reached that stage, but he doesn't know it yet. Sirius is in love with RL (Remus) and SS (Severus) however he does not know who they are. Same goes for RL, but he knows that SS and SB are both in love and he reciprocates those feelings. He thinks they're both not ready to know anything yet. Severus' Patronus is still a doe purely from the fact that he hasn't met RL and SB in person, he thinks gender of Patronus matters but I don't really know. Also, a doe is the word for a female deer so yeah. But his Patronus will later change in later chapters, so yeah, sorry for the confusion.)


	19. Humiliation

I sat in the Great Hall, sandwich on my plate, book in my hand. I ignored the food in front of me in favour of the fascinating wonders behind potions. I had borrowed the book a while ago, but I hadn’t had the chance to read it for a while, because, well, there were other books to read? And detentions to serve? Sometimes my mind just didn’t understand the concept of slowing down, but that was alright. 

Fellow Slytherins chattered next to and around me, their noise ever-growing. I tuned them out and became completely immersed, to the point in which their chatter was my background noise to my immersion. Until I felt someone grip my hair tightly and pull. I didn’t move my head, nor did I move my book, I merely grunted out a greeting. I knew who it was. 

“Potter, always such a pleasure to see you.” Sarcasm oozed from my voice and I tried to resist the urge to smack him with the book I was currently reading, but it was challenging, nonetheless, I succeeded.

“Don’t talk smack Snape, lets get to the point.” I turned around in my seat, bookmarking my page and dropping my book onto the table, straightening my shoulders and adjusting my posture to face him.

“The point, Potter? I won; you don’t need to beg me for a rematch.” Slytherins nearby turned to face me and one whistled in enthusiasm. I snapped my head towards them and glared at them.

“Mind your own business.” I hissed. “You’ve never been interested in me, why start now?” They turned away back to their own friends and I rolled my eyes, turning back to Potter with much regret of even facing him.

“Cocky, now are we?” He sneered, nearly spitting as he spoke. I rolled my eyes once more; I wasn’t scared of him anymore; I won all of the 1v1 rounds we did. It was pathetic that he needed more than one person in order to win. It was also pathetic of me to only start fighting back when it was just him, but I paid that no mind.

“I want a rematch.” He stated firmly. I snickered loudly, forcing some people to turn towards me, notably Slytherins but some Gryffindors as well. 

“You? Want a rematch? You can’t even win unless it’s four verses one.” His face contorted from cockiness and arrogance into something sour, something evil. However, that did not phase me just yet. Potter wanted attention, surely that was all it was? The reason he bullied me in the first place was all centred around attention, so that was the only logical conclusion, yes?

“And you can’t fight back unless it’s one versus one.” I could hear some high fives and snickers from behind me, and they affected me more than I would’ve liked, but I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again.

He was right, I knew he was right.

“And you’re right.” Potter’s face turned into surprise from my statement and I smirked, completely focused on our little battle. ‘Caution SB and RL.’ An inner voice reminded me. ‘Warn them about Potter. You know he’s dangerous, you’re playing with fire Severus, you just don’t want to admit it.’ I shook my head softly, however Potter didn’t notice.

“However, at least I admit to my mistakes.” Potter’s eyes grew wild, as did the students near us. They hit their friends and told them to listen in, for they thought they may never see a fight escalate so quickly again.

“Mistakes? Whatever are you talking about Snivellus?” People snickered, but this time, I was high rolling, I was on a power high. Maybe it was to do with the Dreamless Sleep, or my newly found ‘confidence’ (more like willingness to fight) but whatever it was, I loved it.

“For one, claiming that you hate anything to do with blood purity yet using the fact that I am not from a pureblood family as an insult. And for your information Potter, I’m a halfblood, my mother was Eileen Prince. Do your research before you insult people with the little to non-existent dignity you do have.” Potter’s eyes grew wide, whilst muggleborns and halfbloods around me cheered loudly. 

“I thought the Princes were non-existent.” I chuckled deeply and shook my head, excelling on my power high.

“Either way, Lily Evans isn’t going to date you with that complex, what do you think Evans?” I shouted the last part in her direction, my hair flipping to the side and wild smirk playing on my lips. She gave me a neutral look and turned away to talk to her Ravenclaw friend, Marlene. I shrugged and turned away, giving Potter an innocent look.

“She didn’t say yes?” Potter pinned me against the wall next to the Slytherin table, slamming my back onto there as it had been done so many times before. I looked in the direction of the teachers, they weren’t going to do anything. I looked to my fellow Slytherins; they weren’t going to do anything. They were going to watch like the cowards they were, then run for their lives once they recognised danger. I was one of their species, though they seemed to forget. 

“They’re not going to do anything Snivellus, stop looking around as if you believe they actually care for you.” When Potter’s eyes went dark, when they filled with such an evil that even I didn’t know they were capable of, I knew I had gone too far. When he smirked, so cynical, so dangerous, I knew I was fucked for sure. When he cackled, almost imitating Black, I knew that I wouldn’t make it out alive. So, I did what I was taught to do, I followed my instincts.

“Leave me alone Potter, I’ve already won.” My voice was calm, as if guiding a mental patient back to their room. “No need for this rematch, you can’t win when on your own, you know that.” Little did I know, that I had started a loosing argument that would lead both to my own humiliation and my demise.

Potter raised his fist and punched me, causing nearly everyone in the room to turn around. 

“You’re all talk and no action Snape! Just talk, that’s all you are. You said you were a street kid; then why didn’t you fight back? All the years, why didn’t you fight back? Are you cowardly? Or did you grow to care?” I snarled at him, shoving him off me and attempting to walk away, just as I had so many times before. But unlike the day of my exhaustion, I did not succeed. 

“You’re just walking away Snivellus? Huh? This is why Lily doesn’t love you, this is why no one cares for you!” I tried to reign myself in, I tried to continue to walk away, but I couldn’t help but freeze. I didn’t have to turn around to know that the next words to fall from his lips would be evil in nature.

“Now you freeze?” He chuckled sinisterly and I turned around. He raised his eyebrows quickly, challenging me. I tried to keep my head level as my power high from before came crashing down, my insecurities quickly coming back, reality quickly crashing in waves. 

“She will never love you.” Potter smirked and I sneered, I didn’t love her, I didn’t know what people didn’t understand.

I had known since a very young age that I was gay, there was no need to reaffirm myself. All it took was some experimenting with roommates and that was it. There were no more words spoken about it. Everyone told me I was in love with Lily, everyone tried to dictate my life, though they hated me.

“Still trying to spurt the same bullshit Potter? I’m not in love with Lily in that way, and I never will be.” Potter looked as if an idea sparked in his mind.

“Then why do you still call her Lily? It’s not like you’re friends anymore, not after you fucked up.” I felt my head twitch slightly, and I was in shock. He was acting as if I was the only one who fucked up, he was acting as if I was the only one who had done something wrong that day. Yes, my actions were unforgivable, but so were his, and he continued to do similar things afterwards, affecting the aftermath, it was a shame really. Truly a shame. 

“You’re acting as if I’m the only one that fucked up that day.” I spoke loudly, causing the Slytherins and Gryffindors to watch us closer, along with the rest of the school. The teachers ignored us, buttering their toast like the ignorant fucks I saw them as.

“What did I do? Other than exhibit your greasy self?” I felt myself attempt to lunge forward, only to calm down almost immediately. Flashbacks of that day came to my mind as if there was no problem for them, as if there was no hesitance behind it.

“That day, I was sexually harassed, that day, I lost my best friend. That day, the school saw something they didn’t need to see, that day, I was violated, that day… I was humiliated!” My voice grew louder and louder, and tears grew to my eyes, I didn’t think he understood, I didn’t think he knew what he did. Judging by the mirth in those hazel eyes, he didn’t know shit. He didn’t know just how much of a danger he was to himself and others, he didn’t know anything at all. It was as if he was oblivious, almost.

“So? It’s not like anyone cares enough to pity you Snivellus. It’s not like you exactly deserve the pity if there was any offered, so I strongly advise you shut your mouth, stay away from my girl, and mind your own greasy business!” My eyes widened, and my sorrow grew, along with my anger. Tears of rage fell and his words echoed through my ears. 

“Potter… did you just say what I think you said? I’m not in love with Evans, and I don’t care about you, why assume so? I hate you! You think I ruined your life? You DESTROYED MINE. You broke me, shattered me and played with me as if I was a doll! If I’m a doll, then you must be a robot, because you keep saying the same things over and over.” Potter looked confused, and as if he’s about to laugh.

“What’s a robot?” I snorted cynically, the tears still falling.

“Wouldn’t your prejudiced ass like to know?” Potter scowled at me once more, still persistent on his quest to make me ‘fall out love with Lily’ which only lead me to further frustration. Lily shouldn’t have to put up with this piece of shit, RL and SB shouldn’t have to put up with this piece of shit, I shouldn’t have to put up with this piece of shit.

“You’re still in love with her! I know it! You’re dragging this fight on further because you want attention, but guess what? Your sorry ass isn’t going to get it. Going to kill yourself now? Oh yeah, congratulations on your future success by the way, we’re throwing a party now!” He cackled, waving his hands to the others as if to hype them, but much to his demise, they looked at him horrified.

“Why do you persist on this?” I asked, my tone almost begging. I sobbed, knowing I looked pathetic. I turned to Lily, who looked between myself and him with pity almost.

“Because I know you’re hiding something.” A fury grew in me, not purely of anger, but of injustice, I wanted to make things right. Set them to the truth, even if the truth wasn’t pretty. For so long, rumours had circulated around me, they only kept spinning, and I hated it. I hated it to death. First, home? Now this?

I was reckless, at the moment I was the Sirius Black of Slytherin, blowing up at whatever I saw. 

Red coloured my vision and I exploded, quite literally.

“For fuck’s sake Potter, I’m gay! I’m not into Lily, and I never have been! I used to see her as a sister, now she’s just someone I used to know! Don’t you get it? I was never into her like that, and she was never into you that way either. I hope you understand the difference now.” I choked on a sob, wiping my tears away, humiliated. As soon as I said it, I retracked, my mind scrolling through the conversation to check what I said. 

The whole Great Hall was silent with my unintentional confession and they looked to one another, not daring to whisper a single word. Potter looked triumphant, as if he had uncovered something, though it wasn’t what he thought it was.

“You, gay?” He looked as if he had won all the money in the world, and I was the person he won it from. He looked at me as if I was merely his victim and he was pulling the strings, doing whatever he wanted to me, forcing his friends to join in on the ‘fun’ as well.

I ran from the Great Hall, like the coward I was. I was now in a humiliation so deep I wasn’t sure I was able to pull myself from it. Potter won this round, that, I declared in my own mind with a sinking depression. He had won this ever-growing war, outing me and humiliating me, revealing more than I found ideal all because I lost my temper.

I ran to the library, despite it being on the fourth story. I ran as fast as my legs could take me; to an escape, to somewhere where I didn’t need to re-emerge no matter the circumstances. I entered the library and slammed the door open, trying to keep control of my tears, but alas, failing. I could hear the scolding of Madam Pince behind me but I did not care; for I had other priorities.

I quickly slipped into the Restricted Section, falling in front of the armchair and sobbing heavily, struggling to breathe. I sincerely thought I was going to die, I really did.  
I got out the bottle from its usual spot and rolled out the parchment. There was a letter from Remus there, however, I skimmed over it and got the basic details. I knew I’d read it   
more thoroughly later, I had more things to be worried about at that moment.

‘SS, I’m elated that you’re back! Truly euphoric at the prospect. I really missed you, you know? SB and I both did, despite how much you may deny it, knowing your tendencies (tsundere, I know your type).  
I hate discrimination just as much as the next person, but we can’t do anything about it, we truly can’t. There will always be hatred, there will be always judgement, we can’t help that, you can’t do anything about that. Therefore, we must keep our head high, we must change what we can control.  
I heard about the fight as well and I was quite scared with what I heard. Despite how much I hated it, I was a bystander for a long time, I still am. I couldn’t speak up for the fear that between my friends and I, everything would reveal itself, I’d be destroyed. Literally.  
I see that you’ve reverted back to using more dignified vocabulary within your shock SB, rather than your flirty ways. (Don’t worry, I like both.)  
Sending my love,  
\- RL.’

I wrote my response quickly, sobbing as I did so, staining the once clean section of parchment with my tears.

‘If you see James Potter, avoid him, run, hide, cry, whatever you must do.   
I came here as soon as I could to write this letter to you. I was terrified by what was revealed and the opposition between the two. Potter’s dangerous, I can feel it.  
Please avoid him, I love you both and I don’t want you to be hurt.  
All my love,  
\- SS.’ 

I scrolled the parchment and placed it back in the bottle, curling against the armchair and sobbing harder at the prospect of danger towards the two I loved the most. 

To calm myself from my hysterics and humiliation, I yanked a book from the coffee table and I opened it, much to my delight, it was a potions book, on illegal potions. The book I had before was so outdated it didn’t state which potions were illegal and which ones weren’t, whereas this one was newer, hence it solely focused on banned potions.

I opened my book and hummed happily, the tears quickly drying and my mind relaxing into the book once more. 

I dived into the contents and I choked as soon as I saw a particular potion on there.

Dreamless Sleep.

I quickly flicked to page 132 and I panicked, scrolling through the contents. Turns out, Dreamless Sleep was illegal to be administered anyone but a professional because of how dangerously addictive the potion was and that if you took much, even a little, it could lead to overdose, which many didn’t survive. The old book didn’t state the laws against it and the fines, so I didn’t know, however it had me shaking.

Every day, for weeks now, I had been drinking and brewing an illegal potion? A potion which had not had any effect on me as of far? Was I experiencing side effects, or was my heart beating faster? Ah, no, that was my own anxiety, nothing to panic over.

Apart from the fact that someone could catch me with an illegal potion and I did not know the consequences from doing so. 

I quickly shut the book and held it to my chest, breathing in deeply.

“I’m a Slytherin.” I reassured myself quickly. “I just don’t have to get caught, you’re a Slytherin, true Slytherins don’t get caught.” I repeated the mantra to myself, hoping that I would actually relax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm too tired to edit, sorry. I wrote maybe half of this chapter in half an hour, I know, took me a while, but I'm just tired. I start school on Monday, so I'll try get one or two more chapters in before hell starts. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone for the support and thanks for the ever rising views <3  
> Mates, it means a lot to me, it truly does.


	20. Side Effects

After a day of humiliation, tears and most importantly, paranoia, I wanted to sleep for a very long time. I already took Dreamless Sleep every day, a potion I had recently found out was highly illegal but it wasn’t enough. Because in the morning, I would feel the humiliation, in the morning, I would still feel the shame I had felt in the Great Hall. I wanted to be drowsy enough to forget for longer than a few hours, I truly did. 

I held a vial of Dreamless Sleep in my hands and I uncorked it, swirling it gently whilst making my decision. ‘Should I take it all?’ I remembered an explicit statement from the book, stating to only take half a vial max at all times, especially if taken regularly because of the potion’s power. I was sure that once couldn’t hurt, right? Sacrifices always had risks in them, this was just another sacrifice, however I was sure it was to work out in my favour. 

Hence, I shot the vial as if it were vodka and set it to the side, immediately passing out onto my bed with no remorse, nor shame left inside of me. I felt nothing, for I was unresponsive.

Two days later, I woke up, groaning lethargically and reaching for my wand. My hair was sticking up in all sorts of directions but I ignored it in favour of checking the time.

“What time is it?” I asked myself, casting a quick tempus. 7:15, everyone was in the Great Hall by now, eating their breakfast in peace. I groaned, sitting up and gingerly climbing out of bed, looking in the mirror. When I took the potion, it was Saturday, surely it was Sunday, right? I was wrong, very wrong.

In only a worn down, over-sized black hoodie that went to my knees, and bed hair messier than Potter’s, I walked to the Great Hall, reading my potions textbook with much exhaustion. I didn’t look up, instead, I kept my head down and walked to the Slytherin table, groaning as I sat down. I pushed the plate in front of me to whoever was next to me, not feeling hungry. I couldn’t figure out why, but the background noise of chatter was absent. 

I slowly looked up, only to see the entire Great Hall staring at my attire. They were all in their school uniform, looking at me with such confusion and mortification. My eyes widened and they looked in all directions, I couldn’t count the pairs of eyes I made contact with. 

“It’s Sunday…” I murmured, extremely confused. “Why are all of you dressed?” Someone laughed from next to me and I smacked them with my book, silencing them. I wasn’t sure where I smacked them, but I hoped that I broke something.

“It’s Monday, Snape.” I heard Mulciber say from my left. I froze. It was Monday?

“You slept through all of Sunday, we were worried about you.” My cheeks went red and I looked down, only to remember that I had no pants on. Great, just great. I gritted my teeth and stood up; I had faced worse mortification before. Even though the whole school could now see my stick thin legs.

“Maybe you assholes should’ve woken me up.” I swiped my book from the table and walked away with my usual fast paced stride, looking back to the hall behind me. They were still staring, all of them. Even Professor McGonagall looked as if her scotch was spiked with punch. 

Stormy expression, tear-filled eyes, I went back to my dormitory, throwing on my uniform, too lazy to fix my already messy hair. I stormed out, heading to my first class in frustration, but it took me slower than usual. I was tired, extremely tired and I couldn’t keep awake. This wasn’t me about to pass out, that was different. 

This tiredness was more frequent, more dulling. I slept through most of Defence Against the Dark Arts, a usually stunning subject, but I couldn’t keep myself awake. I felt some of my walls break and I panicked, trying desperately to rebuild some of my best kept Occlumency walls only for them to fall simply for the sake of lethargy. 

“Mister Snape? Mister Snape?” I thought he was calling me from the other side in the room, when in reality, he was right in front of me, my senses were merely weakened was all.   
Everything sounded dulled, as if they were drowning in water. My head moved from my arms and it tilted up, eyes locking into his. 

“Huh?” He sighed and mumbled under his breath, shaking his head as he did so. He seemed to ignore my humiliation and moved onto what he meant to ask, relieving me of explaining myself.

“Can you cast a Patronus?” I sighed in relief, a Patronus was something I could do. I nodded, sitting up and pulling my wand from my inner pocket.

“Yes, sir, I can. Expecto Patronum!” I cast the spell, expecting the doe I had come to be familiar with to emerge, only for an Irish Wolfhound to sprint out, much to my absolute horror. I breathed shakily, eyes wide and skin growing pale. 

“No way.” I whispered to myself. “No fucking way.”

I had seen my Patronus a mere week ago, when in that week did it change? And why? Why would it change? I wasn’t going through anything, so why and how did it change? I had read up on it, and Patronus’ changing were usually a symbol of meeting a new soulmate or an extreme incident happening. I was in neither of this situations, so what the fuck was happening?

“Very good Mister Snape! 20 points to Slytherin!” It was absurd, it truly was. I exhaled heavily, whilst the class watched my Patronus in envy of my ability to cast the spell.  
I watched the Patronus for a minute, whilst the class took notes on the personality and nature of the Patronus. It seemed to match me more when I was with RL and SB than when I was with everyone else which confused me. This was not my Patronus, I swore firmly that it wasn’t.

“Sir, why did my Patronus change?” I asked, continuing to focus on the Irish wolfhound in front of me. I could hear the class silence themselves, instead of continuing their hushed chatter. The Professor dropped the textbook he was carrying, turning to face me instead of the board.

“Your Patronus changed?” I nodded. His face was still shocked, until he heard what I said next.

“It used to be a doe, now it’s this. Nothing life changing has happened, nor have I fallen in love. What could it be?” The Professor sighed and shook his head. His face changed from shock to almost comedic, smiling softly, eyes glimmering.

“Maybe you did, we don’t always know what’s right in front of us Mister Snape. You may sit down now.” I called my Patronus back and sat down, I was almost sad to see it gone. A shame, I thought to myself. I wasn’t oblivious (I was, but I wouldn’t know for a very long time), so what was going on?

As I walked to the library later that day, I avoided the eyes of people, trying to hide in the shadows just as I used to do so efficiently. I could hear their whispers, their rumours, floating in my head, attacking me, hurting me.

“I heard he’s gay.”

“You think he’s into Potter?”

“Doesn’t matter, Potter’s too good for him. He’s not good enough for anyone.” I nearly turned around at the last statement, but I reminded myself that they didn’t know the full story and I walked faster, still failing to keep my occlumency shields up, only having the core few.

I opened the door to the Restricted Section and slipped in, no one noticed, no one saw. If they did, they wouldn’t dare follow me. I plucked the roll of parchment from the bottle and read the letter, its contents forcing concern into me, the mere emotion overwhelming me more than it had ever before.

‘SS, I’ve missed you so very much and I’m delighted to say that I’m very happy because of your return. You missed me too, right? (Don’t worry RL darling, I’ve missed you too, I’m just trying to shower my other darling with affection too.)   
I’m sure Potter’s not that bad, right?   
Anyways, everything’s getting worse, it’s all a haze now. I think I’m going to confess my love soon, I’m tired of waiting, I’m so bloody tired of reading and watching from afar. Both of you wish me luck, yeah?   
I keep drinking more and more, everyone’s avoiding me without knowing why they’re doing it, I’m all alone. I used to be able to smile, properly, truly, but now? It’s self-deprecating, it’s menacing, it’s scary. Please help me, please.  
I know that usually I’m the one who writes the longest letters but I fear that today I can’t, for I’m about to pass out (as you can see by my handwriting).  
Nothing’s coherent anymore. I love you both.  
\- SB.’

I traced the letter with the tip of my finger sadly, he was avoiding the mention of Potter, did something happen between the two?

Either way, I wouldn’t ask, because of his worsening health and my deteriorating energy. Until I figured out what to say, I opened my Potion’s book and continued to read on Dreamless Sleep, a small frown on my face when I saw the side effects of drinking too much. Exhaustion, weakening occlumency, stronger emotions, and senses lowering. And the more you took, the longer you slept. I found that to be a reality, and I felt strangely connected to the side effects, not knowing why I had grown attached, why they felt so relatable. I closed my book and turned to the parchment, my hand picking up the quill and writing back.

‘SB, I missed you too, not to worry, I thought lots about you when I was gone. You too RL, I’m not sure whether to be worried or happy about your personality change. You’re my mistrusting youth again, I didn’t realise how much you had changed until your original stance had reappeared. Is there something going on?  
Also, do the confession! I’m awaiting your reply ever so impatiently, both of you. I want to know whether you get accepted or rejected, perhaps these people accept you more than you think they do? You never know.   
I’m feeling more and more tired every day, I haven’t spoken much on this, but I do struggle with sleep a lot, and it’s going all sorts of directions. I don’t really know what’s going on, it’s much like SB’s alcohol addiction, I simply don’t know.  
I’m too tired to keep writing on, so I’ll stop here. I’m awaiting your responses ever so fondly.  
All my love,   
\- SS.’

I rolled up the parchment and groaned, curling up on the armchair and leaning into it.

Why did the side effects seem so familiar?

At the time, I thought that I familiarised myself with them for no particular reason, that it was much like my new Patronus, it just worked. However, I was wrong, deadly wrong. 

All of this questioning, all of this wondering, what did it cost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius' Patronus is a Grim (it matches his Animagus form), Remus' is a wolf (he's a werewolf, it fits) and Severus' is an Irish Wolfhound according to the dog patronus I found to have the most similar traits with him.
> 
> As you can see, he's now more oblivious than ever and I wrote this chapter whilst lazy and tired. I apologise for the shitty quality.


	21. Devastated

‘SS and SB, I have thought about you fondly during the days we hadn’t exchanged, all of the sunsets, all of moon rises. I have missed you dearly and I hope that you haven’t waited my replies for too long. After all, we don’t date these parchments, nor do we mark the memory to a day, we rather mark the memory to a feeling.  
SS, I remember you mentioning a potion, are you getting addicted to a potion? Please, talk to us, we beg you, I beg you. I know that this sounds paranoid, and anxious, but I’m scared. I’m scared for you. SB reveals things, but you don’t.  
SB, I understand your sorrow, no one will talk to you without knowing why. I’m in the same situation as well, everyone’s avoiding me without knowing why they’re doing it.   
Everything’s falling down and I don’t understand it, I don’t understand anything. The people I love are crumbling by the tip, but I can’t save them. I can’t reach out to them; I can’t say something. And it devastates me, you have no idea how much. Do you know what it’s like to fall with having safety in reach, yet not being able to access it as they walk back? Further, and further. Eventually, you’re left to die.   
I keep running in circles, not able to find my original path.  
SS? SB? Where are you? When are you coming?  
Sending my love and apologies,  
\- RL.’ 

My eyes lingered with worry, their usually cold, black, piercing glare now widened into a tear glistened stare of longing and anxiety. My lips pressed tightly in an attempt to keep my cries tucked in and hair in a Potter level of mess, it was fair to say that I was a disaster.

These explosion of emotions, these combinations that didn’t work well together, it only happened with them. It had only ever happened about them. 

My emotions were completely out of my hands and were going crazy inside of my head. I had never felt so out of control, even with Potter, Black and Pettigrew, even with my father, I had at least a small bit of control. But now? I had absolutely no control, I wasn’t sobbing hysterically but I wasn’t sitting silently either. I didn’t know what to do, I had been left confused.

All of this time, RL had been asking the wrong questions, it wasn’t ‘how do you miss someone you’ve never met’, it should’ve been ‘how did I start loving someone I’ve never met’. All of this time, all of the sacrifices I had made, how open I had made myself, what I was willing to go through for them. 

I left the library in favor of the corridor instead, sitting on a windowsill and looking outside, down to the view below me. Students chased each other around or they sat quietly on the benches, their clear contrasts in personalities obvious just from what they were doing. Usually, they seemed generic to me, the same to me. I didn’t dwell on the subject for much longer and I turned my attention to my own thoughts instead.

Sacrifice, misunderstanding, happiness, sorrow, how does one match four similar yet drastically different words together? How does one fuck up the meaning of four simple words so dramatically, to the point in which they blend them all together? I knew well what they meant individually, I knew very well what they meant individually. But together? I didn’t have a clue. 

It was maybe a few hours later when I re-entered the library, more composed, a little more healed, well, at least I liked to think so. I entered the Restricted Section, only to freeze in terror of what I had seen. The tragedy of that room would not match the tragedy of anything else for a long time.

Around the armchair, my armchair, that had brought me comfort, which I sat on to write letters, which I found the scroll in, it reeked of alcohol. Shards of glass surrounded the armchair and alcohol was spilled towards the middle. I covered my mouth with my hand, to prevent my sobs from being heard aloud. I knew what this meant, I knew what this scene was.

It was an overdose. SB couldn’t take it anymore and he overdosed. I stepped past the glass and plucked the bottle with the parchment inside and my hands shakily reached for the parchment, opening it with much regret.

‘SS and RL,  
Today may be the day in which it’s finally over, in which everything will disappear right before my eyes. They don’t love me back, that, I know. I have a draft in my pocket, as stupid as it sounds, and I was going to copy it down to confess, but then it hit me, it struck me real painfully. They won’t ever love me back. Ever. I’m not a good person to love, I’ve done terrible things, irredeemable things. I don’t know if I’ll ever be looked at the same again.  
Alcohol numbs the pain, it numbs the hurt I feel. Everyone looks at me as if I’m this disgrace, yet they don’t know why they’re looking at me like that, they’re just following the crowd. I don’t want to be hurt anymore, I don’t want to be scarred anymore.  
I love you both with my dying heart, this may as well be the last letter you will read from me, and your letters will be the last words I have read in my short time of living.  
Isn’t it cynical? The upbeat, ‘stable’ one is the first to fall?  
If there’s alcohol shards anywhere, but no person, I’ve been taken away but I most likely haven’t survived. I’m so sorry it had come to this, I’m so sorry I couldn’t find a solution to any of this. You both will be better off without me in the long run, trust me on this. Please, trust me on this.  
I love you both, even in passing, even in near death,  
\- SB.’ 

Time stopped. I couldn’t feel anything other than the hot tears down my cold cheeks and my racing heartbeat. I couldn’t hear the screaming, I couldn’t hear the hysterical sobs, I couldn’t feel the choking, I couldn’t feel the lack of air. All I could feel was pain. Pain that he was gone. Pain that I could’ve made a difference yet I didn’t. Pain that he used to be so flamboyant, so passionate and so in love, but now he was no longer.

It was that moment that I realized; I now knew my feelings. I now knew the place my heart held for the two of them, and solely for the two of them. I now knew why my Patronus form changed within not too short of a timespan. I now knew why I felt such intense emotion whilst reading their letters, whilst holding them.

I had fallen in love with them, and that, had been my most ultimate demise of all. 

I gasped, slipping from the armchair onto the floor and sobbing heavily, face in my robes, inconsolable. I couldn’t stop crying, I wouldn’t stop. The tears kept falling, as if to revenge me for my obliviousness, as if to revenge me for my own density. I always swore to myself not to be oblivious as Avery, but compared to him, he’s the smartest man in the world right now, whilst I’m crying on the floor, my knees scraped, revenge granted.   
How could I not have recognized the signs?

I loved them both… now I had lost one, and the other was dangerously close to slipping away as well. I didn’t know when I stopped sobbing, I didn’t know when the tears stopped falling, a look of pure sorrow overcoming my face. 

“He’s gone… and he’ll never come back.” Judging by how much glass there was on the floor, it wasn’t likely he that he was to live. It was better to move on and be a monster rather than be a good person who never moves on.

I knew how horrified and scared RL be, I knew he didn’t expect this, no matter how many things he does know. Hell, I didn’t expect this.

I was shattered. And I wasn’t sure if I could ever be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Severus, no longer dense, now heartbroken. The next chapter will be longer and better, signalling the reactions of both Severus and Remus. 
> 
> (So, Severus knows he loves them, but he doesn't know they love him back. That's the update.)


	22. Not the same

‘My dearest SS,  
I know you’ve seen it. The shattered glass, the tearful last goodbye, the blood (or maybe that was just me), the armchair, everything. I would like to express my deepest   
condolences for you having to see that. I wish I could’ve taken you away, could’ve told you in a different manner, but it wouldn’t change anything. As soon as I saw the sight, I knew he had given up, but I knew that you hadn’t.  
How are you coping with this? Tell me honestly, are you just stringing through, or are you broken to the core? I now understand things from his perspective, living through his lenses is now easier than it ever was if I’m being honest with myself.   
At first, I couldn’t understand his perspective, I was empathetic, yes, but I didn’t truly understand, secrets and everything.  
But now?  
I know everything. I understand it all, I don’t see the world through rose coloured lenses no more, just as I used to. I used to see the world the same I do now, I think that back then I was wiser, I was more cautious, but now? I realised that my older self was clever, intelligent for knowing such things. At the beginning of our exchange, I suppose I had begun to be hopeful, I stopped asking cautious questions and instead made bold statements, I wasn’t aware of how much I had changed until I had changed back after an incident occurred.  
It was always assumed that SB didn’t have much time left, but if I knew what time left I truly had with him, then I would’ve done more. I would’ve met him in person, I would’ve done everything I could do spend more time with him, anything.   
I apologise for not being able to bring a longer response, I suppose it is because of the lack of SB’s presence, since he overdosed, I almost wanted to give up everything. Then I reminded myself that you were there, that I needed to pull myself together for you, so I did.  
I’m so sorry, please let me know if there’s anything I can do.  
Sending my love,  
\- RL.’

‘RL,  
I am struggling very much with the overdose of dearest SB, I go from hysterical one moment to completely devoid of anything the next (though that may be the potion, but who am I to know?)  
For a while, I was naïve as well, I believed myself to be happier than ever, everything had fallen to place around me and I was fooled once again. I’m not allowed to have a happy ending if my beginning was somewhat hopeful, that’s just how the system operates. I cared for him so much, I still care for him, but I can’t bring myself to say it in present tense.  
My face is numb, so numb, I can’t tell if I’m crying or not. Some days, I’ll be thinking about him and you in the Great Hall and someone will tell me that I’m crying, though I hadn’t realised it at all. I think that it was so tragic because it wasn’t unexpected, it was expected that he overdose eventually, in fact, it was inevitable, but I can’t help but feel as if I needed to do more, as if I didn’t do enough.   
I don’t need you to do much, all I need is for you to be there, you can’t slip away from me, not like he did. He was the one that got away, but I need you to stay here. Please, I need you to be with me as we go through this traumatising experience.   
Is there anything you must ask of me? I imagine that there must be copious amounts of pressure on you as well, and I wouldn’t like for you to get hurt just as SB did.  
All my love,  
\- SS.’

‘My dear god, these letters are dreary, aren’t they? Almost sinister in a way. Whenever I think about him I either smile sadly or I want to cry. I truly do.  
Seeing the blood, seeing the glass, seeing the alcohol made me go into shock, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I cleaned it up, not out of disgust nor the need for it to disappear, but rather as a form of protection. Can you imagine what would’ve happened if Madam Pince found out about this? She would’ve reported it and he would’ve been taken away from us, gone forever.  
I think there may be hope for him, at least, the optimistic side of me does. But I do know that hope is dangerous, do not worry, for I see this danger to be definite.   
I do wonder however what potion you are taking. You change the subject every single time I mention it and it worries me, because potions can be extremely addictive, and they’re easier to overdose on than alcohol. The magic in them makes them dangerous, please be careful whilst drinking it, don’t take too much or daily. If you are feeling guilty, it means you’re taking too much, please, I don’t want to lose you too, I’ve already lost my grasp on him.   
I’ll try to be there, I’ll try not to break free, I swear. SB ran away from his problems, he hid from them, and that was a major flaw of his. But now? I’m running away from mine, which is seemingly ironic. Writing this letter is the first time I’ve been out of bed in days, if I’m being honest with you. I keep having to remind myself that he won’t respond back, that I don’t have anything to look forward to from him, and that my only hope is you.  
I can feel his presence missing, you can too, can’t you? When you disappeared, it was challenging, but we pulled through from quitting all together because we knew that you were most likely coming back. But SB? He’s not likely to come back, you and I both know that?  
(I can’t move on, all I think of is him and you, him and you. I can’t remember the last time since the overdose that I’ve cared about anything else. I can barely eat anymore, it’s killing me SS, it’s killing me.)  
Sending my love,  
\- RL.’

‘I was particularly distressed to read the lines “(I can’t move on, all I think of is him and you, him and you. I can’t remember the last time since the overdose that I’ve cared about anything else. I can barely eat anymore, it’s killing me SS, it’s killing me.)” because they’re so relatable, because I feel them just as strongly as you do.   
My emotions are astray now, I snap at things and then I cry, I apologise and beg for forgiveness, then I sneer and storm away. It seems, that our entire dynamic has shifted, and it scares me. I don’t think I’ll be able to move on for a while, and that’s what scares me.  
I didn’t realise how much I cared for him until he disappeared entirely, and now, I realise the same with you. Until he slipped away, I was completely oblivious, I thought that I wasn’t so obsessive, when it’s quite clear that I naturally have a very obsessive nature about me.   
I’m not avoiding the subject of the potion, but it isn’t much really. It’s mundane in comparison to other things, so let’s not focus on it, shall we?  
I can’t imagine having to clean up that scene, I really can’t. I’m so sorry that it was you and not me, that it was you who had to do it and not me.   
I don’t know what else to say, I think I’m crying as I write this, I’m struggling to breathe.  
(Nothing is the same without him. In order for us to work, we need him as well.)  
\- SS.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fourth upload of the day (did 3 others with different stories) and I'm too tired to make a bloody Author's note.


	23. Numb

I was beyond ludicrous, maybe delusional even. Perhaps I was going insane… or I just didn’t get any sleep? I kept hearing the same voices and people in my head again and again, I kept getting the same vision. My mind kept travelling to the same place, again and again. I was driving myself insane. I thought that at first, Dreamless Sleep helped me. It helped me get sleep at night, it prevented me from experiencing nightmares in the night. But in reality: I still had nightmares in the day. So, there was no point.

I could hear Potter sneer at me and mock me excessively during Defence Against the Dark Arts. I merely exhaled, too tired to do much more. Images flashed in my head quickly, as if I were having a seizure, they were flashing and too much for me to handle. Everything was too much to handle lately, I felt as if I had aged at least 10 years. I was weak, I was tired, I was sick of everything. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t know it yet, but I had fallen into the trap of addiction, and the consequences were severe. 

The image currently in my mind stayed longer than the others, it scared me more than the others. The werewolf, it crept towards me, slowly, ever so slowly. The moonlight was shining in on the room strongly, making me able to see my surroundings perfectly. Everything was clear. If I was being honest, I’d by far prefer the room to have been dark, then at least my pain would be invisible to the naked eye. The image of a werewolf, teeth bared, approaching closer flashed in my mind, pouncing and ready to attack…

Then I pushed my hand off of my cheek, trying to focus on the theory that the professor was explaining. I could hear Potter click his tongue, almost condescendingly. 

“Oi, Snivellus, were you so busy drowning in grease that you couldn’t see the Professor or what?”

I ignored Potter to the best of my ability, as did everyone else. There was no point. If the Professor didn’t do something, if I didn’t do something, if their friends wouldn’t do something, then nobody would do anything. They were a bunch of Slytherins the whole lot of them, cowardly, wouldn’t dare come out of their den.

Eventually, class was dismissed and I slowly picked up my things, walking out lethargically, almost dragging myself out of the room. I could feel someone following me, their footsteps echoing loudly on the hard wood floor.

“What do you want?” We were in the middle of the corridor; it was the last period of the day. I turned around and hunched my shoulders, my hair falling in my face as if to protect me. Potter laughed, before looking over to Lupin who merely brushed him off. I could see Lupin’s hurt face, and I almost felt… sorry for him. But I quickly dismissed it, I had other things to focus on.

“If it isn’t for Snivellus Snape, the last time we had a little ‘chat’, things didn’t go so well for you, now did they?” My eyes widened at the humiliating memory, being exposed to the school as such all because he was an asshole who wanted nothing more than to expose me. He was a typical school bully, but a little deadlier, a look of evil appeared in his eyes. I knew he wasn’t a good person; I was the first person to see as such. In fact, I thought I was the only person who had ever seen him as such. 

“Leave me alone Potter.” I couldn’t muster much more, leaving the silence too long and he would’ve thought that he won. I couldn’t afford that to happen, I was already mocked by the entire school, I heard their whispers, I heard their taunts. 

I heard the cackle of Sirius Black and I flinched, I had faced werewolves, sexual assault, bullying, abuse and so many cases of mistrust that I couldn’t even count them anymore. However, his cackle was different. He sounded like Bellatrix Lestrange, who was at the epitome of insane. I understood that I was hearing things, and I was seeing things, but I didn’t know why. 

“Wolf’s got your tongue?” Potter started maliciously, smirk falling off arrogant lips. I froze at the reference, emotions boiling in me, an experience that I had still not gotten used to. I fingered my wand in my pocket, in case the need for it was there. Potter saw this gesture and he whipped out his own wand, making a snide comment to the side before trying. 

“Don’t get so defensive Snivellus, you will lose. Lose both this duel, and everything you’ve ever cared about.” At that statement, my emotions rose. They boiled so fucking high. Little did Potter know… I had already lost someone. I had lost SB, hadn’t I? I lost him when I could’ve prevented it… 

My mind was running high on adrenaline based off of fear, I couldn’t lose RL… I imagined the last note, the last goodbye, the one I’d also be too late for. No, I couldn’t let that happen, I couldn’t lose him. My eyes filled with tears at the prospect, head bowed down, as if he was already gone. 

“B-“ Potter started, only to be interrupted by a declaration I did not know I was capable of making in my current state. 

“Expelliarmus!” I exclaimed, whipping out my wand and pointing it at his chest, effectively throwing him to the other side of one of the longest corridors of Hogwarts (the further you throw someone using the spell, the more powerful the person). The few who had witnessed were silenced into shock, Professor McGonagall, who I hadn’t seen there before included. 

The hypothetical letter read itself aloud in my head, essentially, a suicide note. SB’s last note was a goodbye note, not a suicide note, he didn’t mean to overdose. Sweat dripped down my forehead and I panicked once I saw what I had done. Yes, it may have been one spell, but it was that same spell that officially started the timeline of when I landed into addiction.

“Mister Snape!” Potter groaned a taunt from the ground, but he was dismissed by Professor McGonagall. She grabbed me by the ear and dragged me to her office. I couldn’t feel the pain, I couldn’t feel anything. My mind had numbed any physical pain I may have felt, and Professor McGonagall seemed shocked too because she let go soon afterwards.  
I followed her, there was no point in attempting to run away as Potter may have. I could hear the door shut behind me and I sat down at a desk in the front row, swinging my legs gently, face down. Emotions were swirling in my head, I was numbing to the world around me, completely immersed in my own mind. I couldn’t focus on anything else, not when I had at least 4 different images and voices playing in my head, Black’s cackle playing loudly in the background.

“Mister Snape.” I slowly lifted my head, avoiding her eyes. She tutted and sternly addressed me. I breathed deeply and stared numbly, waiting for her mini speech. 

“I don’t know why you’re getting into so much trouble as of late, you used to be so well behaved. Why can’t you go back to who you were before?” I was in shock, my eyes widened as did the hysterics in my mind, volume subtly amplifying. ‘Who I was before? Before I was killing myself… but now? Now I think I’m dead…’

“You want me to go back to who I was before? You’d prefer me as a coward rather than someone who fights back? It is better to fight and lose than to cower away and also lose.” 

She shook her head and looked at me with pity.

“If you were so bad before Mister Snape, then what are you now?” I froze, completely still. Who was I? I didn’t recognise myself from the past anymore, everything was blurred. The   
two were similar yet completely different. Two different coins entirely.

“I don’t know.” I admitted truthfully. The noises from before dulled in my head and my eyes were also dull, not shining with emotion as they usually did. I faced Professor McGonagall and she looked scared, worried in a sense. 

My own emotions were seemingly sedated, despite their strengthening over the period of a few weeks.

“If you want answers, get them from someone else, because I don’t have them. Good day Professor.” I walked out of the office slowly, closing the door behind me gently. I looked back to the door and I sighed, slumping against the wall and leaning against it.

This Dreamless Sleep, the effects were becoming stronger and stronger by day, they overfilled my senses, they took over me, they seeped into places they weren’t supposed to. 

On that floor, against that stone wall, I think that was the moment I finally understood the effects of addiction. I finally understood that I couldn’t deny it anymore. Dreamless Sleep was the enabler of my desire for peace when the night came. I used to deny addiction due to wanting to be normal, wanting to be happy, but I couldn’t be normal. Me? There was just no way. I was forever an outcast, or unique. 

I had finally learnt the difference between the two notes, the two which I had blurred the meanings of together before. 

Falling into addiction was goodbye note, whilst overdose was a suicide note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating, I was uninspired and school had started, last week, I had published 8 chapters in 2 days, and after that, I couldn't bring myself to write more. I needed a break. I'm better now, and I will update every few days I suppose. 
> 
> I'm sorry for all those who waited, only to be delivered with this bullshit.


	24. Demise

For the first time in what could’ve been as long as forever or as short as a few months, my heart demanded answers. No, not the logical kind, but the questions that matter. The ones that control emotion and feeling, that control mind space and mentality. And I knew where to get those answers from, at least, I hoped that the place would have the answers I was looking for. 

I was headed towards the hospital wing, the moonlight shining through the archways guiding me in the seemingly otherwise dark path. I blended in perfectly with the background, there was no need for me to cower nor strengthen my weak defenses. I opened the door to the hospital wing silently and looked to the silently sleeping patients, looks of content contorted onto their faces with the peace sleep gave. Most likely under the influence of Dreamless Sleep, I had probably had that look so many times before in my life. 

However, something stood out amongst the silence. It wasn’t loud, nor was it meant to be jarring, but it was prominent to me, nonetheless. 

I could hear soft cries; but I could not recognize their owner. The person sobbed painfully and I detected the source quickly, opening the curtain near silently and peaking in.   
Lupin had his head buried into Black’s chest, sobs muffled as he gripped at the sheets of the bed and quietly pleaded. The sight was a heartbreak that I had witnessed so many times, yet never understood. I was reminded of my mother, who used to cry over my father’s chest whenever he drank too much. She’d beg for him to be revived, she’d beg for him to come back, that she needed him, that I needed him. Her words were lies, we were happier without him, well, at least I was.

“Please, Sirius, why would you do this? You should’ve said something…” my eyes widened as Lupin pleaded slightly louder, now gripping Black’s shirt with such desperation, even I was torn between intervention and staying in my position. 

“I’m so sorry, I failed you… I failed you…” I watched with a sympathetic look in my eyes, a scene I had been through so many times, yet this one was somehow different. Perhaps because the people in the scene weren’t my mother and father, but my enemies. I didn’t truly know them, no one outside of their group really did know them in depth. Even I thought I knew them, but with Lupin, and Black? Perhaps I was proven wrong, perhaps this scene had proved me wrong…

“Mister Lupin, you’ve been here a long time now.” My eyes widened as Madam Pomfrey approached from the left, seemingly unaware of my presence. “Perhaps you should get some rest.” Her eyes were kind and her approach was empathetic. Lupin seemed to be in thought before nodding, emerging from the bed and standing. His hair was a mess, as was his façade. His eyes were red and swollen, most likely from hours and hours of crying. 

“Have a good evening Mister Lupin.” He nodded and walked away from the direction Madam Pomfrey went in. She then turned her head to me, my eyes wild once I was caught.

“Mister Snape?” She looked surprised, and rightfully so. She knew of my strong hatred for them, especially for him, after many years of tending to my wounds and healing my injuries from them. She knew better than any staff member the pain I had to endure.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered softly, not entirely sure either why I had stayed. “I heard crying… I’m not entirely sure as to why I’m still here.” However, I made no room to leave. She nodded solemnly and left. I approached the bed carefully and sat by it, looking to the peaceful expression of Sirius Black, not entirely sure as to why I cared.

“Why do I care for your purpose?” I whispered, my words a code to my true meaning. Black looked content, as if he had finally caught a break. It wasn’t blissful as others described sleep, it was freedom, but in the most pitying way. It wasn’t liberating, it was escape. He was trapped within his own freedom; I would’ve presumed him dead if it weren’t for the fact that he was breathing. 

“Why am I here?” He didn’t respond, nor did his heartrate accelerate. I mentally slapped myself, of course he wouldn’t be able to hear me. This wasn’t a muggle film, nor was it a romance book, this was real life, a saddened reality. A corrupt reality, but reality nonetheless. 

It was then that I noticed a piece of paper in his pocket, and that his robes had not been taken off. It’s parchment was long, and it looked rather crisp despite being folded, almost as if it were a draft rather than a final copy. I glanced around to check for people, relieved when I didn’t find any. I then proceeded to take the parchment from his pocket and unfold it, exhaling deeply and bracing myself for its words. 

‘This letter is irony, isn’t it? It may be a draft, however, it may be the only draft for anything I ever care about. I plan on writing the contents of this letter onto the parchment perhaps after I’ve gotten better, or when you confess first (since I am a coward, and I know SS is as well), whatever it may be.   
I am so grateful to the support and help you two have granted me the past few months, I truly am. I have loved reading your letters, whether they send me a smile or tears, they’re all valuable to me. I love reading everything you have to say, and I have loved watching the three of us blossom into something beautiful. I know this letter’s writing style might be out of character for me, however, I want this letter to hopefully be one of the most exquisite and beautiful you’ve read. If everything works out, this should seem like a diamond in the dirt.  
Until now, I didn’t truly understand my feelings towards the two of you. SS, I naturally warmed up to you, I was drawn in by your vivacious personality, your strong opinions and they way you wrote. The way you were able to cramp your messages into few words. RL, it took me maybe a letter or two longer, but it hit me very strongly, sometimes I don’t even realise how strongly until it’s right in front of me.   
These feelings I have towards the two of you were at first friendly, finally, someone understood me! Two people understood me! They understood my emotions, and my feelings, and even the addiction I had tried so hard to stray away from for so long. However, these feelings, slowly evolved into something. You know, RL, how you talked about the feeling of missing someone you’ve never met? I felt that feeling constantly. At first, I didn’t understand it, I didn’t understand any of it. But now? Now, I know all. These emotions aren’t platonic, at least according to my definition.   
I love you both. Not in a friendly way, nor in an obsessive way. In the relationship way, yes. You both have grown in my heart, and now? You’re two of the only people I care about, everyone else left me when the weather turned cold, when things got sour, I was abandoned, left at every turn, but the two of you? You stayed, because things were always tough. Because things were never easy.   
Over the period of our correspondence, I understand that our relationship has blossomed to something we couldn’t put a label on, however, I think I now know what it is. It’s romantic, at least according to my alcohol dazzled mind.   
To my understanding, you are likely to love me back, however I am nervous, nonetheless. SS is well known to be a coward (at least to you and I RL) and will end everything before it’s even started. RL will insist that SS and I aren’t ready then leave us in the dust. But those are only in the worst of circumstances, and I have very high faith in trust in the two of you.  
Falling in love is a difficult and overwhelming process, and not voluntary either, hence, once you do fall, you must learn how to get out, there are no instructions for you. If I have predicted wrong, then I ultimately apologise, and I hope that my emotions towards the two of you aren’t the demise of our relationship.   
I don’t need a face to fall in love, and now I know that neither do you. RL, I now understand why you said that. You knew before any of us, didn’t you? SS may be intelligent academically, but emotionally? We don’t know what’s going on in his mind, SS, you’re very likely to be oblivious, but I love you for it.   
I have reached my understanding, as has RL, and I hope that SS has reached the same conclusion.  
I love you,  
\- SB.’

My hands trembled with heartbreak as I read the delicate letter in my head over and over, as if it was a common practice. I sobbed with anguish, skipping the thought process and allowing myself to cry. This might’ve been a draft, but I knew for sure it was a final one before it was to be written on the parchment. 

Surely, these feelings towards him weren’t real, right? I looked back to the non-visible grey eyes and angelic black hair he held on his head and it hit me. It hit me so fucking hard, even my mother’s death I hadn’t taken with such grief.

I was in love with my worst enemy, and all the signs were there. It was so obvious, yet I didn’t notice anything at all, I was a fool to my own demise. Sirius Black, the person I had hated for so many years, the person I had thought of as the human thought of hatred for years… was my blessing in disguise?

I didn’t try to muffle my cries, there was no point, the grief was settling in, and I was only getting louder, I had collapsed to the floor, fallen to my knees, still stuck in my head.  
‘No, there’s no possible way it could be him. He couldn’t love me.’ I hated him, I hated him so fucking much, yet, after seeing who he truly was behind the parchment, I couldn’t bring myself not to love him. Him and his cocky words, those words on the parchment which were the written equivalent of a smirk, it was all him.

“How could I have been so blind?” For god’s sake, he used his real initials! It was so easy to detect, yet I was blurred by love. It had to be a joke, there was no way on earth that he loved me. Sirius Black, love, me, in the same sentence. 

Then, I reread the letter, eyes stopping as soon as it landed on a different pair of initials. RL. RL was the person I would consider most likely to prevent anything from happening further, seeing as he was paranoid. It was now obvious to me as to who he was, Remus Lupin. A boy who had attacked me, not from viciousness but from trickery, loved me? How was he not blinded with guilt when he saw me? How did he not hear the whispers as I walked past him, how?

Was anything real at this point, or was it all a nightmare? But then again, I would’ve taken Dreamless Sleep to counter that, so I knew for sure that it was real.  
I couldn’t breathe, I was trapped. 

“RL, Lupin… SB, Black… how could I have not seen it?” ‘Because you weren’t searching for answers.’ My brain supplied unhelpfully, only adding to my misery and sorrow. 

I had been a fool; I truly had.

Black… Lupin… it seemed as if only fools would fall in love. If only fools fell in love...

“Then I’m the biggest fool of them all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is personally my favourite chapter, because it really outlines Severus' struggles, and he's on the path to realisation. It's been a few days, but this update was worth the wait (I think). Over 2000 words of angst goodness.


	25. Trickery

‘RL, my darling, my love,  
Inside, I have provided the final draft of a letter I found in SB’s pocket. Read it, but do not pay attention to the words. It’s a scam, it’s a joke, surely, it must be trickery. If it isn’t, then I’m both blind and a fool, for only fools fall, yes? For only blind people trust, yes? Do you blindly believe me as I say this?  
There is no way that he could be in love with me, there is just no way he could want to even be near me, let alone to be in love. The emotions he talks about in the letter are ones of sorrow and heartbreak; but are so pure they even made me tear up. I love the words, and I love him, though I wish I didn’t. I love you too, though I wish I didn’t.  
I know who he is. And I know who you are as well. He’s Sirius Black, the king of Gryffindor that no one asked for. There is no way he can be in love with me, a Slytherin. There is no fucking way. Surely, it is just a joke, yes? That is all there is to it.   
I know he loves you, that’s for a fact, but he doesn’t love me and he never will. My feelings don’t matter in this equation, because what I want most is never going to happen, and unlike others might’ve not done, I faced reality. I am ready to sacrifice my happiness for you, I’m willing to sacrifice anything for you.  
I love you, but my love doesn’t matter. I love him, though with all he’s done I shouldn’t.   
All my love,  
\- SS.’

I rolled up the parchment, and the draft of the letter, and I sighed quietly, heartbreakingly staring into the distance. I was shattered, I was broken. I didn’t understand why, I had to at least warn Lupin, send the signals in his head that no, he did not love me, no, neither do you. 

I didn’t know who to identify him with anymore, did I see him as Lupin, a boy who was a bystander for so many years, or RL, a sarcastic, cautious boy? I didn’t know which of the two to associate to, everything was mixed. I knew what the big secret of RL’s now was, I now knew the incident. He was a werewolf, that much was very obvious, and the incident was the Shrieking Shack incident, in which I was nearly bitten myself. 

Slowly, I walked out of the Restricted Section, my head bowed down in a silent salute to the fallen Sirius Black, no, not the dead, the wounded. He was wounded, I reminded myself, he wasn’t dead yet, he couldn’t be. Surely, he was still breathing, yes? He was last night… but how about if everything changed after I left? I then shook my head, no, it   
couldn’t have been that way. 

I arrived at the Slytherin common room, walking down the stairs to my dormitory and opening the door with little grace. I stumbled into the dormitory as if I was intoxicated and I laid down on my bed, stretching my hand to reach for the Dreamless Sleep. I took two vials and looked at them in contemplation before nodding. I opened both vials and drank them quickly, allowing my body to relax under the covers. I closed my eyes and the bottles slipped from my hands, smashing on the ground. However, I did not notice, nor did I care. 

Two days later, I woke up, yawning tiredly, yearning for more sleep and groaning lethargically. I stood up unsteadily and walked towards the bathroom, shutting the door firmly and leaning against the counter to take in my appearance. 

I looked horrible. 

I was thin, to the point where one might’ve assumed that I had an eating disorder, I was always naturally thin, but this was Saint Mungo’s degree of thin. My hair was a greasy, limp mess and my skin was paler than I had ever seen it. Even fifth year had more colour to it somewhat. I was in horror with myself. I didn’t recognize my reflection through the mirror, I had gone from ugly to unhealthy. I was always unhealthy, but to this extent, I almost pitied myself. I then walked away, not wanting to look at the boney jawline any longer. I didn’t need reminders of how my heartbreak had defeated me, I didn’t need any reminders of how I most likely deserved the bed next to Black.

I set off to the Great Hall, slumping into the shadows, my pale skin a stark contrast to the black robes I wore. I held my wand defensively, watching for anyone, watching for Lupin. I found myself hoping that Lupin would pass, then I shook my head at the mere thought of it. I was supposed to hate them, but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. 

I entered the Great Hall, looking for an empty place at the Slytherin table. No one had noticed me; however, I did hear my name. I heard hushed whispers from Mulciber and Avery, sounding somewhat worried. I supposed they hadn’t yet turned to stone for those they cared for, they were only my age after all.

“Snape hasn’t been here in about two days; he’s been in bed the whole time.” Avery started, my eyes widening at the ‘two days’ part. ‘I’ve been asleep for two days? Is that what happens when I take two vials? I mean, no one exactly cares if I disappear.’

“He’s hardly in the Great Hall either, he usually eats very small meals in the kitchens or not at all. Usually skips a few days.” That was true. I didn’t eat a lot in the Great Hall, as much of my controversy and scandals started there. I sat across from the two quietly but they continued to talk much to my surprise.

“Why am I worried Mulciber?” Mulciber sighed and squeezed Avery’s shoulder roughly, in something that was supposed to be comforting but was awkward instead. Kudos for trying though.

“I don’t know, I am as well. Perhaps it’s the human qualities in us.” They talked as if they were inhuman, which amused me, because they damn well knew that they were, though maybe corrupt.

I picked at a piece of toast silently, not sure what else to do. 

“Snape?” My head snapped up to see Evan staring in horror. I sneered, defensive stance coming into play.

“What do you want?” The people around me had turned in genuine surprise, not from the premise of information but from the premise of my presence. 

“Snape’s eating?” 

“He looks like a twig; I swear to god.”

“Why am I worried?” I heard their comments and I scowled. I didn’t want them to care, I didn’t deserve to be cared about. Before, I would’ve been touched by their commitment, I probably would’ve cried, but now? I didn’t care for it; I was devoid of everything but annoyance and sorrow.

I allowed their whispers and concerns to wash through me, for I no longer cared from the words of others, sans two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little context into his feelings, sorry that I made so many of you cry last chapter ;-;


	26. To Admit

‘SS, my angel,  
To me, SB’s letter gave me a rush of euphoria and heartfelt. I understand that you are sceptical, as am I. However, I found the feelings to be very genuine, and I am very happy to be loved back. Aren’t you happy as well? Just something to think about, shower thought, if you will. 

But there is one question I have for you.

Why do you believe that I would not love you? You may have only just realised, SS, but you’re a bit dense in the emotional department. Don’t you realise that I love reading your letters? I love reading what you have to say and your opinions, I love the blunt but beautiful way in which you write. I love your personality (at least, the one you show through your letters) and I find it to be a beautiful thing. 

Also, I actually have a few questions for you, but take as long as you’d like to answer, I am interested in seeing said answers. 

Why do you think that it’s impossible for Sirius Black to love a Slytherin? Yes, Snape may be a bad example, but he’s changed since the end of fifth year, something happened to him, I don’t know what, but something changed. I know that it might seem scandalous to love him, after everything we’ve seen and heard, but I’m fairly sure that our true personalities came out in the letters rather than what we see and hear in the halls. It’s very hard to fake a letter, believe it or not. Writing is more genuine than speaking, you feel me?

When did you find out about your feelings? I sure hope it wasn’t as late as I thought it was. I know you’re extremely smart SS, so I’m particularly curious about it. I’m a very curious person, I just don’t show it often. I’m quietly inquisitive, I think you might agree.

I was surprised, when you confessed. I expected it from SB but I didn’t expect you to make the first move, but then again, I like to think that you’re very headstrong. 

I just want you to remember something. I love you. Remember that for me?

Sending my love,  
\- RL.’

‘RL (since when do I begin my letters with a name instead of the premise?),

I am aware that I am a bit dense in the emotional part of my mind, yes, I only just realised that, why thank you. (This is sarcasm if you haven’t noticed before.)

As you know, I am a Slytherin myself and I have seen the horrific things that he has done to Slytherins. The pranks, the injuries, all of it, particularly to Severus Snape, one of Slytherin’s more well-known students. I have been affected by him, I have been tricked by him, and that is why I hate him. Isn’t that valid? I know that our true personalities do tend to come out in writing, yes, however, I am not sure if I can forgive him for what he has done in the past. He hates our house because we exist, you wouldn’t understand that. 

I found out about my feelings the day I acquired the letter, which was only a few days ago. Surely it was not that long of a wait. 

I shouldn’t have these feelings for you, you’re one of his counterparts, yet, I do anyways. I suppose you’re easier to forgive because you’ve never targeted me before, you’ve only ever watched as all the Slytherins were pranked. You never hit us specifically, you came up with plans, but you didn’t execute them. It’s easier to forgive you because you were away from the sidelines, however, I have no doubt that you being on the sidelines was due to your secret and not wanting to separate from people who could possibly exploit it. I know what it’s like to keep secrets, trust me I do. And this love, between us two and somehow involving him should be kept as such. 

(I have moved on from him, I’m sure of it. There’s no way he could love me, and I shouldn’t have thought I loved him either. I’m sorry for burdening you with such trouble.)

All my love,  
\- SS.’

‘Darling,

I’m going to be honest with you here and now. You’re in denial. Your entire letter stinks of denial, reeks of it. How can you even deny it anymore? Letters of obsession, love, want, have you even read our past letters? Listen to me and listen to me clearly. Don’t deny your feelings, you’re only hurting yourself and him. He’s still alive, I know he is, I visit him every night, waiting for him to wake up. 

Whatever issues we have to work out, we’ll do so outside of the letters. We will meet face to face before we work out everything, we need to solve these obvious tensions between   
us. With Sirius’ overdose, things have been darker, for the both of us, and we need him here. Without him, the exchange between us two isn’t as bright, and it would be the same if you disappeared. 

Denying things only hurts more than accepting them. 

SB loves you, it said so in the letter, all of our exchange, from the very first reply to the very last letter implies that very clearly. I was right in my worry that the two of you were not yet ready to explore this further. I don’t want either of you to be hurt by moving too early, but it seems a little too late to prevent ourselves from moving too early. 

SB doesn’t know who you are, I don’t know who you are, yet you know who both of us are. Doesn’t this make us fair candidates for your love?

(Why do I know your feelings better than my own? My heart hurts at your denial, I want us to be happy, I want us to be together, yet there are many hurdles we must jump first, together.)

Sending my love,  
\- RL.’

‘RL,

You’re right. Sirius Black doesn’t know who I am, and neither do you. I’m a bit dense, aren’t I?

I will bring you a proper confession letter later, but for now just know that I love you both.

All my love,  
\- SS.

(P.S. Can you possibly call me darling more often?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but it's important.


	27. Hallucinations

Never, would I have thought of myself to be the words delicate of fragile, but as of late, that is all I am nowadays. As March fades away and April comes into play, I find myself miserable in the chaos I have created for myself. Doses of Dreamless Sleep which used to be miniscule are now stronger than ever before, and I found myself often trapped between a hallucination and reality. I couldn’t tell the difference anymore. I had begun to think that perhaps monsters were a part of my normal everyday life, when in reality, my mind was fragile enough to let them into my reality.

During class, I would see monsters that would have me running out of the classroom, that would have me shaking, that would make me cry into my arms silently. I would see horrible visions, whether they were so blatantly fiction it was scary, or so realistic I wasn’t sure what world I was, my fantastical world, or reality. Sometimes I saw myself through an imaginary mirror, a crying, bleeding, delusional figure on the other side. The person on the other side of the mirror would be sobbing into their hands, then they’d collapse to the ground, the familiar of a shatter following through afterwards. That one scared me the most. The thought that I may overdose on the one potion that I thought would bring me happiness. I was scared of what I was to become, I only had that image in my head during Divination class, perhaps it was a sign that it was going to actually happen. 

People had started to ask me if I was alright, if something was wrong, if I needed anything, if I had gone insane. I didn’t understand why they decided to pity me so much. Only now I had started receiving this treatment, it wasn’t often, and mainly from teachers who saw haunted, unblinking eyes staring back at them, but not really staring at them. 

I had begun to take whole vials of Dreamless Sleep every night, earlier and earlier, just so I could escape the horror I had created for myself. I thought I had wanted happiness, but in reality, what I wanted was escapism. I had trapped myself into addiction and horror, I somehow thought that it might help me. Falling to my own demise by addiction was perhaps the most embarrassing way to die, but in that moment, I didn’t care. I didn’t care for anything at all. Perhaps I knew that one day it would kill me. Perhaps, one day, I wanted it to kill me.

RL and SB were the lights of my life, yes, but after finding out who they really were, that light went perhaps a little dimmer. Was I the only one that saw the reality? That we couldn’t exchange letters forever, unaware of who each other was? Didn’t they understand that fantasy could never be a part of reality? Perhaps they were still living in their fictional bubble, but I wasn’t. Well, not voluntarily anyway. 

To my past self, I apologise for being unable to guide you in these difficult times. To my past self, I wish I could tell you of how naïve you were being, but I feared that you wouldn’t listen. To my past self, you should’ve never picked up the pen, never have written back. You shouldn’t have let your emotions get in the way, past self, for that was your first demise of many. I would say that it wasn’t your fault, but it was. To my past self, you shouldn’t have ever fallen in love. 

The many words on that scroll of parchment, laughter, sorrow, love, flirtation, I should’ve known that after all this time, I did have emotion, because I wasn’t inhumane. I’m human, despite those around me thinking I’m some form of heartless alien. I fall down, and more often than not, I didn’t have people to help me back up. But some of the time, some of the time, I would have RL and SB to help me up, to clean up the shards of glass and sweep them to the side. To tape my broken heart back together, only to have it to fall to pieces once more when I inevitably said goodbye. 

My hallucinations weren’t only monsters, they were also stories from the past, memories I would prefer to keep hidden forever. Memories I would prefer to be buried along with everything I have ever loved. My father, yelling at the top of his lungs, demanding another beer, demeaning me for the means of amusement, deluding himself into believing that I was convinced he wasn’t the one in power. Those hallucinations often had me blocking my ears, head on the desk, whispering near-silent pleas for an escape. No one ever noticed, why would they? To them, I was just someone to call the bad guy, to them, I was someone to gossip about. Their taunts blasted away their chances on taking it out on someone they cared about. 

I knew exactly what they were doing, for my father did exactly the same thing. He bullied me because of his own problems, he screamed at me because he couldn’t handle himself, he hit me because he didn’t know how else to cope, he locked me in cupboards and drawers for hours because he couldn’t handle himself without seeing the one person who ruined his life. Me. He guaranteed that no one would care, I guaranteed that no one would care. It was my fault just as much as it was his. 

RL and SB were the only reasons I had lived for so long, last year had been a myriad of disastrous and heartbreaking scenarios and circumstances, yet, somehow, RL and SB helped me place it all together to make it seem not as bad as it should’ve been. I hated myself, I hated my body, my scars, my addictions, my talents, my weaknesses, my scandals. I hated a lot of things, the only people I loved in the entire world were the only things I lived for. It was pathetic, but I treated them more like medication than love. Medication to the mess I had gotten myself into. They were my drug, my pill, my IV drip, they saved me, they cured me. 

They were RL and SB.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're learning how to write a monologue, then take notes from this chapter mates. Anyway, this monologue was just to feed angst to the readers, for some reason, you guys are masochists who like both angst and fluff? But it's great, and I love it.


	28. The Real You

Those chocolate brown eyes had been ghosting my figure for the past few hours, occasionally breaking contact to speak to someone or write a few words down, however, his eyes were mostly focused towards me. And somehow, I was curious about it. He had piqued my interest.

Why had he decided to direct his gaze towards me? What was he so curious about? There were many things to wonder and fantasise about when it came to me, however, I was curious as to just what he was wondering about. What was in his mind, and why did he seem to be fixated onto me? He didn’t know that I was SS, unless he was hiding that fact in his letters. Was he hiding the fact? Or was he blissfully unaware, just as I had once been? Or maybe he didn’t want answers, he didn’t need them, just as I had used to be?

Remus Lupin used to be an enigma I couldn’t even begin to figure out. He was a puzzle I couldn’t solve. Though he was a Marauder, one of the most popular in the school, he was quiet and polite around those he wasn’t in close terms with. Though he got higher grades than his friends, he never spoke of it or labelled himself ‘the smart one’, only his friends had done that. I used to ask myself questions about his scars, and I’d distract myself during class trying to make up imaginary scenarios he could’ve gotten them from, however, I knew where they came from now. A werewolf. I could see so much of Lupin’s personality he exhibited as Lupin in RL’s letters. I considered the two to be separate entities, seeing as the letters showed a different, more open side to himself. I could see the paranoia, I could see the intelligence, but I couldn’t find the snark. Perhaps it was concealed to everyone but who he considered close to him? 

Either way, those chocolate eyes were still lingering, and I was curious as to their means.

Finally, the bell for last period rang and I carefully got out of my seat, collecting my books and holding them close to my chest. I hadn’t paid any attention to the Transfiguration class and I could only hope that Mulciber allowed me to copy his notes, seeing as this lesson was probably going to be on the end of year exams. I could only hope the concept was easy to follow without visual demonstration, I had never been very good at transfiguration, not enough imagination and too much aggression. 

I walked towards Lupin’s desk, who was gathering his notes and organising them in an almost admirable manner. I laid a hand on his desk casually and he froze, looking up to me and tilting his head to the left in what seemed to be both confusion and happiness. I placed my books onto the desk next to him and then focused back on him, feeling shy as I did so.

“Hello Severus, was there something you needed?” I then felt awkward at what I was going to ask, not sure how to pose my question without sounding as if I was watching him as well (which I was). 

“Um…” I was interrogating myself in my mind, ‘What do you even want to ask?’ I questioned myself roughly, definite in my reasons for going up to him, but at the same time not too sure on what I was going to do. 

“Why were you staring at me?” I asked bluntly, nearly hitting myself after I did so. Why do I have such a lack of tact? Was it because I knew that Lupin was also RL, or was it because I was getting shy? Either way, it was not a good thing.

Lupin’s eyes widened and his cheeks reddened at the prospect of being caught, ducking his head shyly in a way that made me want to reach out and ask if he was okay. I shook my head mentally in strong denial. No, there was no way, absolutely not. I knew that to be in denial was to be in a bad place, but I couldn’t help but doubt myself time and time again. 

I sighed, trying to sound gentler and less like I was about to interrogate him for something that he shouldn’t need to be interrogated about.

“Listen, I don’t mind, please just answer me. I’m just curious as to why is all.” My eyes widened at the realisation of how I phrased the statement and I groaned, wincing and nearly slapping myself out of anger. Why did I say that? Why? To all of the Gods above, fuck you. Why did you give me so little tact yet so much academic prowess? I didn’t even know how I could fuck up so badly. The way I said it made it sound almost as if I had a crush on him. Ugh.

“Oh, well, I just wanted to know something and I suppose I didn’t know how to ask was all.” My eyes softened at that, gently tilting my head to look outside of the massive window before turning back, words stuck inside of my throat.

“What would you like to know?” I asked softly, my voice nearly a whisper as my eyes curiously searched for his. I didn’t know why I was feeling as I did in all honesty, I didn’t know why I was going so soft for a boy who had ignored me so harshly. 

“Are you okay?” My eyes widened and my breath hitched, not entirely sure of how to answer. Why was he concerned… about me? Why did he care to ask me such a question? Was he genuinely concerned, or was he asking out of pity?

“I’m fine…” I grumbled, avoiding eye contact with him and resting my other hand on his desk as well. My gaze was towards the left, intent on preventing my eyes from meeting his. He touched my hand softly and I flinched, turning back to him.

“Are you sure? You don’t seem fine. You seem tired, as if something’s haunting you. Did Sirius do something to you?” The speed of my breathing raised only ever so slightly, at least, it seemed slight. 

“I’m fine. Nothing has happened.” I repeated firmly, nodding my head as I said it, as if that would do anything. Lupin gave me a concerned look before standing up and collecting his books, walking towards the door. 

“If you need anything, just let me know, alright? I don’t want anyone to suffer, ever.” I watched as he quietly shut the door and I listened as his footsteps faded away, leaving me in the empty classroom I had associated with hours of boredom and tiredness. 

What were my feelings towards him? And towards Black? Were they something of the same nature, or were they something different entirely? 

‘No.’ I thought, answering my own question almost immediately. They weren’t the same. 

Black wasn’t a puzzle that I didn’t have the pieces to solve; he was a childhood enemy turned to someone else. From someone I hated and envied at the same time, to someone I still hated, yet loved at the same time. I hated that I had given him so much of my time and attention for so long, someone who belittled me and taunted me, someone who attempted to break me. I hated the way I couldn’t help but fixate onto him when he walked past me back when he was still breathing without the help of medication. I couldn’t help but feel as if I should help him when he did something shitty, like being intoxicated and intending to beat someone up. I didn’t want to feel the way I did towards him. I remembered my past attempts of me convincing myself that it was all a lie and it caused me to wince. My naivety was something I did not know I had to deal with, and Black was the main cause.

With Lupin, things were a bit easier. It was easier to distinguish the similarities between RL and Lupin, and it was easier to see the two as the same person. I could see someone I had once considered to be my mistrusting youth; I could see the anxiety creeping in him, I could see the modesty. What I didn’t understand however was how he trusted us immediately with his more extroverted side. I figured that was something he only did with his friends, was something else really happening behind the scenes, or was I blind to something else? Lupin was an enigma, I could never quite tell who he was, but unlike Pettigrew, he did have a personality that stood out compared to everyone else. 

I put two and two together, standing in the lone classroom for a long while before groaning at the realisation I had come to.

I had romantic feelings towards both Black and Lupin. I could see them both in the letters and how they displayed themselves towards others. I wanted them to hold me, to tell me that everything was okay. I wanted to read books and take pictures together, I wanted to touch, kiss, hug, I wanted everything that one may desire in a romantic relationship. I remember the days where I used to have daydreams about us taking photos by the Christmas trees, I now modelled those daydreams based on Black and Lupin. I could now envision their faces there, and it sent a warm feeling through my chest. 

This whole time, I had separated Black and Lupin from SB and RL, attempting to convince myself that my worst enemies were not the two people I valued most. I tried to convince myself that it was SB and RL, not Black and Lupin, but in that moment, something I changed. I started to treat them as if they were the same. I stopped treating them as if they were different entities and instead of thinking ‘RL and SB’, I begun to think ‘Lupin and Black, Remus and Sirius’ which forced a small smile across my face. 

For a while I stood there, immersed in my own thoughts, smiling like an idiot, until I heard the door open, then I flinched and turned to Lupin, who stood by the doorway with a small smile on his face.

“You’re still here Severus, any particular reason?” I shook my head sheepishly, a blush colouring my pale cheeks. I could feel the heat rise but I attempted to dismiss it, not wanting to draw attention to myself.

“No reason.” He nodded slowly and smiled wider, a blush colouring his cheeks as well. 

“Well, I’ll be off to the library then. I wanted to talk to Professor McGonagall, but I suppose I can catch her tomorrow. Good day Severus.” The door shut behind him and I listened intently as his footsteps faded towards the library. My cheeks were still pink, I looked like a deer in the headlights.

‘Wait a minute…’

I groaned loudly, slamming my head against his desk. I had a crush on Lupin and Black, I was fucked.

However, being screwed did not stop me from walking out of the classroom, my books held against my chest and my hair tied into a ponytail, two strands sticking out for effect. An idea struck in my mind, it was something just to confirm my suspicions, just something to see if what I was thinking was legitimate or mere magic. As I walked down the hall, people’s eyes widened and looked at me as I passed. It was most likely the ponytail, the rare times I put my hair up, people had the tendency to stare, perhaps it was the jawline, I didn’t really know.

I opened the door to the hospital wing and looked behind me, relieved to see that the coast was clear. The door was shut behind me and I glanced around, making sure that no one was focused onto me. I gripped Black’s curtains with uncertainty. ‘Should I really be visiting?’ I dismissed the doubt and opened the curtain, closing it behind me and sitting in the chair next to Black’s hospital bed with doubt. 

A small amount of colour had returned to Black’s face, a light tan glowing from the light outside his window. His expression was contorted into one of peacefulness and content with the way things were, his breaths were calm and relaxed. His hair was laid on the pillow as if he was a fallen angel, he looked thinner than when I had seen him last. He was absolutely beautiful; it was as if he had fallen from heaven. I internally asked myself how I did I deserve someone as beautiful as he; both in his visuals and personality. How?  
My hand lingered in the air for a while, not sure of whether I was reaching for his hand or his hair, but I eventually decided that I was curious to feel his hair against my fingers. It was surprisingly silky; I’d imagine that Madam Pomfrey washed it just to keep the texture. I stroked his scalp gently, removing strands of hair so I could see his face clearly. I also threaded my fingers through it, gently untangling the few knots that remained. 

The expression on my face was fond, caring, loving, a look I didn’t think it was possible for me to have. My heartbeat had decided to speed itself up, but I couldn’t focus on it, not when his hair was there. The look on his face reminded me that no one was born evil, everyone is born an angel, however, they may be raised to be different. Sirius Black was no evil, in fact, he advocated for good, however, sometimes his actions were evil, but that was human. Seeing him like this, fallen, yet still pure, it was extremely easy to forgive his actions. However, I would not forget the pain he inflicted onto me, who he sent me to, who the blame went to. I would not forget. 

I stood up lightly and sat on the edge of his bed, still carding my fingers through his hair. I leaned in slowly and kissed his forehead, lips lingering against smooth skin. I didn’t know where the courage had taken over, but I was grateful for it, considering my heart internally racing afterwards at the mere thought of being able to do that.

“Please wake up soon.” I whispered, only hoping he could hear what I had to say. He couldn’t hear anything; he was dead to the world around him. Dead to the whispers going on about his disappearance, dead to the rumours made about him, dead to the theories that people had come up with. Dead to their childishness and incompetence, dead to my childishness and incompetence. 

The world around me had disappeared as I spent the remaining hours of the sunset and of dinner with him, stroking his hair, holding his hand, whatever I could do to comfort both myself and his unresponsive presence. 

I stroked his cheek gently, removing my hand from his cold one. I kissed his cheeks lightly, a sad longing in my eyes I hadn’t ever felt before.

“Please wake up.” I whispered hoarsely, my fingers lingering on his cheek, my left hand stabilising me on the bed. I could hear someone clear their throat from behind me and I froze, not letting go of him. If anything, I only shifted closer to him, my chest tightening and heart beating quickly. 

“Visiting hours are over Mister Snape.” Madam Pomfrey spoke softly, a look of empathy in her eyes when I turned around to face her. I sighed quietly and got off the bed, silently waving goodbye to the boy who laid there. I relaxed and looked to the floor, eyes downcast. 

I was suddenly curious as to how many visitors he had. Did he have many admirers visit him, or were they all too busy making rumours about his demise, were they too busy whispering about him? Was Potter bothered to visit him, or hadn’t he yet forgiven him? I wondered most about Potter, how did he come into play? I had a lot of questions lately, I knew that, however, I needed them answered, wanted them to be answered. 

“Does Potter ever visit him?” I asked suddenly, my sad eyes looking for his closed ones. Madam Pomfrey sighed quietly, almost as if she had been asked the same question before. Most likely by Lupin, he was likely to visit Black frequently.

“Yes, yes he does. He’s visited the most, he usually comes early in the morning.” I nodded and tore my eyes away from him, thanking Madam Pomfrey quietly. As I began to walk away, she called out my name.

“Mister Snape?” I turned to face her, tiredness glowing in dark eyes.

“I will do everything I can to make sure he wakes up.” I nodded once more, relief dancing in my eyes. I turned around and walked away, not daring to look back. 

I was now certain on my feelings for Black, not just Lupin. They both made me feel a pang inside my chest, not of pain, but of love, a feeling I was unfamiliar with. I was content to just be with them for hours, rarely speaking, just there, as seen with Black. I was fine to watch as they walked away, as long as I knew it wasn’t permanent. 

However, I knew that I couldn’t have what I wanted. It would be selfish to want something impossible to receive. Once they found out who I was, they would be disgusted, I knew it. They would feel sorry for me, I knew it. They would be happy together, they would adore each other, all whilst leaving me in the shadows, pretending as if I hadn’t been there. Once they found out who I was, everything would fall.

When I returned to my dormitory, I sifted through the top drawer to search for a single vial of Dreamless Sleep, fearing that if I did not take it, I would not sleep that night. My mind would be too filled of thoughts about silver and chocolate, the colours of their eyes. I’d be wide awake, thinking about how much I would give to be with them. I would think about the next letter I’d write, what words I’d use, would I confess? Or would I only say something small? I didn’t know, however, I wanted to save it for the morning. Perhaps I’d be gone, then I didn’t have to suffer, perhaps I’d sleep for a few days, preparing me for the pain afterwards.

I closed my eyes and took the vial in one, slowly lulling myself to sleep. Eventually, I passed out against my then cool sheets. I was dead to the world, just as Black was. I didn’t imagine, I didn’t even think. Once I had woken up, I thought that perhaps I was just like Black whenever I drank the potion, and that in itself both thrilled me and terrified me at the same time. Comas were a scary concept; however, they couldn’t scare me from not drinking Dreamless Sleep. I was too far gone at this point in time. My addiction to both Dreamless Sleep and the two of them was far too gone, with no hopes of ever being cured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has 3250 words, the longest chapter I've made in a long time. Basically Severus realises that Remus and Sirius are the same as their letter counterparts and stops separating the two. He confesses to his own feelings and it's adorable.


	29. Eyes Open

‘Remus, SS,  
I’m finally out of hospital, yes, hello, I have missed you both very much. I have read the letters exchanged between the two of you, and I believe there are some things that need to be cleared up.  
First, every word in the letter of confession was sincere and meant. Everything in that letter of confession was truth, however, I can understand why that may believe that to be a lie. I can understand where your paranoia and fear comes from, considering the pain you have witnessed me inflict on others.  
Second, in regard to my alcoholism; I did not mean to overdose. I did not decide to overdose when I was sober. It was a foolish decision, and I was blinded by the misery that I felt. I never meant to inflict sorrow nor pain, and I am sorry for the hurt I have caused. It seems to be that everything is my fault, isn’t it? My alcohol abuse isn’t getting better, I haven’t received any treatment for it mentally, I’ve only received treatment for the physical damage it caused in my body. I drink shots constantly throughout the day, and by last period, I’m completely wasted. It just helps me cope is all, James is pitying me, Remus is pitying me, everyone is wondering what’s wrong, yet I refuse to answer. They think I tried to commit suicide, does an overdose count as a suicide attempt? Does it really?  
Third, SS, you know that I’m Sirius Black, and that RL is Remus Lupin. To my understanding, you’re a Slytherin, and I have done a few Slytherin wide pranks before, and perhaps individual ones that happened to affect you as well. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused. I know we are not going to forgive and forget, but hopefully with the help of both you and RL, maybe I can learn how to vent my frustration through other channels.   
Awaiting your replies ever so fondly,  
\- Sirius.’

Reading the letter, a rush of euphoria ran through me. He was awake, he was alive, he was here and writing! I was so thrilled I didn’t know what to do with myself. However, it saddened me that I was unable to enjoy this feeling. I was lethargic, strongly so. It had forced me to remain in my seat, staying in a daydream like state instead, not quite able to sleep, but not quite able to stay awake. But he was here, he was alive, and that was all that mattered. 

I weakly plucked a quill from my pocket and an ink quill, looking to the parchment hopelessly. Everything was getting worse for him, and I never thought that I would have to do this. I never thought I’d have to confess before Lupin did, I always thought that I was going to be the last to take action, perhaps because I knew of my cowardly ways. However, I never knew if Black was going to overdose again. I never knew if he was going to drop dead and not make it next time. Therefore, I was to make the second move, leaving Lupin to be last. 

I leaned over the desk and began to write, pouring my heart onto the paper tiredly. 

‘Black and Lupin,   
(I can’t bring myself to use your first names, it seems to personal, too intimate, too out of character for someone such as myself.)  
I hate this. I hate that it has come to this, I hate that I’ve had to make the second move, despite my reluctance. I’m sacrificing myself for two people that I shouldn’t be sacrificing myself to, yet every time I make the same mistakes, and maybe it’s about time I own up to said mistakes. I don’t want to cause any more pain to others or myself. There has been so many misunderstandings and so much hurt, I just don’t want to hurt myself anymore than I already have. I know, I was the one who decided to make this move, and I honestly do not know my own motivations behind it other than the fact that Black may overdose again at anytime and I don’t want to lose my shot.   
Let’s get something very clear here, I love you both, despite the things you have done. I love you, despite what you’ve said. I love you, despite all of the circumstances that have thrown us off of the path we meant to walk. However, let’s not cause any confusion and say what we mean. I love you, alright? Despite previous denial, I have come to terms with my feelings and I don’t know what else I can say other than, I admit it. I’m in love.   
I have learned that not only are your letter personas and real-life personas the same, but I can also love both personas as if they were one.  
Lupin, you were a puzzle to me. I never quite knew what it was about you and I never quite knew what to think of you. I still don’t know what to think of you if I’m being honest, I truly don’t. You were intelligent, yet you never used it to label yourself. You’re quiet, yet your presence is so loud. You were part of the Marauders for Godric’s Sake, yet, I still can’t quite figure you out.   
Black, you were an enemy. You were someone I despised with good reason. I hated you for the words you said and things you did, I hated you for the people you represented, yet, somehow, I still admired you. The way you garnered attention you were deserving of, the way you smiled and told people that they were looking great, I don’t really know what it is about you either, but I’d love to know more.  
I know this question would be asked, and I would like to reject before anything else goes to shit. No, I would not like to meet in person. I understand that I already know who the two of you are, but I am not scared of the reaction from myself, I am scared of the reaction from you. What happens if you decide you don’t like me? If who I am isn’t as appealing as you thought? Then all of us will be hurt, we’ll feel betrayed, as if we had been lied to this entire time. I don’t want to feel hurt, and I’m assuming that you don’t either. At the moment, I suppose I’m pulling a Lupin and being all paranoid, but I suppose desperate moments call for desperate measures.   
Both of you are amazing, and I hope we can explore the possibility of a relationship, but for now, I am too tired to write further. I am very tired nowadays, in fact, I’m usually too tired to do anything other than think, sometimes hallucinate if I’m in a crying mood.  
All my love,  
\- SS.’

I wasn’t quite satisfied with the letter, but I got over it quickly, I was never quite satisfied with anything, why complain with something that’s good enough? I rolled up the parchment and put it back into the bottle, tucking it into its usual spot and walking away, not caring for getting caught or for the lone whispers that came by as I walked down to the Great Hall.

As I ate, my eyes wandered towards Black, who was quietly discussing something with Lupin, his expression bitter for a split second before it returned to contemplative. I loved staring at his jawline, I believed it to be something of beauty. If only I knew what the two were talking about. 

Thinking about it, I had never quite considered what a relationship between Lupin and Black would be like, knowing that they’re each other in the letters and not knowing the third person. Would they start a relationship outside of the letters? Or would they wait for me to reach them first? I was so unfamiliar in this territory I wasn’t quite sure of what to do with myself. My romantic life was non-existent, but it was alright since I was still of young age and not quite popular. The wise people knew that Hogwarts of all places was no place to find forever love, however, I was a fool who was determined to think that perhaps, if we did the right thing, it could be forever. 

I slowly picked at my sandwich, I knew that I needed to eat, I rarely ate, not intentionally, but on a subconscious level. I was thin, far beyond a healthy standard and I knew that if Black and Lupin were to know that I was SS of all people, they would declare it to be ridiculous. However, it was not ridiculous. At least, it shouldn’t have been. 

I took a big bite and put it down, continuing to stare intently at Black and Lupin as I ate. I placed my chin on my hand and I sighed quietly. Lupin then looked in my direction and I quickly diverted my gaze away from him, breathing deeply. My cheeks turned a light shade of pink and I put my head in my hands. Fuck, he caught me! I stood up and abandoned my sandwich, quickly walking away and leaning against the wall once I was out. 

I was so whipped for them, so dangerously whipped.

Well, fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but at the same time, ooh! Look! It's a confession letter!  
> I was too tired to write something of better quality but I wanted to write, I apologise for being this way.


	30. Overdose

As of late, everything was exhausting. It was as if I was sprinting this entire time, yet, I didn’t win anything. Everything was numb, but not enough to quell my pain completely. The only things that were heightened were my emotions, I felt the pang in my heart when things hurt, I felt my jaw ache when I smiled from the sheer happiness of the letters I had received. It was worse than it had ever been. It was no longer just a feeling of exhaustion, it was also a feeling of stepping backwards, as if I had gone back to a time in which everything was weaker, in which my defenses were stronger, in which I didn’t have what I did now, in which I didn’t have the problems I did now. Everything had changed, yet somehow stayed the same. 

I exhaled and leaned forward tiredly to reach for a potion, closing my eyes and sipping casually on it as if it were a glass of water. It was a Saturday, and I was unbelievably tired, the 13 hours of sleep I had gotten being irrelevant. My eyes were drooping, and I felt as if I got no sleep at all. As if I was idly wasting time rather than actually sleeping. Quickly, my eyes came to a close and I fell asleep, or maybe I was passed out, but either way, it was a good thing at the time. I would prefer to suffer silently than to dream, because I knew what happened when I did. Dreams created false expectations, they created something I didn’t want them to. 

This… addiction, had consumed me. Had consumed me to the point in which I couldn’t even be happy about its benefits anymore. I couldn’t be happy about the things that it helped me with, the attributes or benefits it possessed. No, it had gotten to the point in which it controlled me, in which it consumed me no matter how much I didn’t want it to. I used to believe that addiction was a terrible thing, then that belief changed. Then it came back, stronger than ever before. I hated that I relied so strongly on a potion so controlling. I hate that I let it dictate my life, dictate how many hours I skip of the life that I was supposed be spending with doing something productive. It wasn’t as if I did anything productive nowadays, but that feeling, that feeling of uselessness. That was a feeling I would never forget from my early years of Hogwarts, no matter what others thought.

I was starting to doubt more and more that I truly wanted it to kill me, in fact, I was very unsure. My life was tragic, I knew that very well, however, I also had two beautiful people who loved me without really knowing it was me. But what would happen once they found out? Would they have time to react?

It took three whole days, three whole days to open my eyes again. To realise that I had taken this potion twice in a row, with no reprise nor regret. I didn’t regret the actions that I had taken, drowsy or not, neither did I do anything to counter it. I merely rolled out of bed and walked towards the bathroom to shower, intently avoiding my reflection in the mirror whilst doing so. 

In the Great Hall, I picked at my food and ate little, more intent on tiredly staring at Black and Lupin. A small smile graced my face as I saw the two of them, they were beautiful together, no doubt about that. Seeing the two together made my heart race calmly with a feeling I didn’t know I could ever feel. However, this feeling was numbed, numbed by the side effects of a potion I too had fallen in love with, but in a different way. 

Love and obsession were separate from one another, but some people weren’t able to make that connection of separation. The most prominent example in my mind is Potter, someone who is obsessed, but not in love. I don’t know what qualities Lily has that are something to obsess over, but Potter obsessed, nonetheless. He was addicted to her; he was intoxicated by her. I didn’t understand that form of obsession, why would you obsess over something that didn’t benefit you in any way, shape or form? I didn’t understand it, I truly didn’t.

Love was something different. It was a lot of things, but it wasn’t obsession. It was just the other person being there, that everything was enough, that you didn’t need more, that everything was always appeased. Though, internally, sometimes you may feel like you want more, but you do not pursue it. You never pursue it. Love and obsession are different, the line bordering on self-control. Love was about the ability to quell your feelings, whilst obsession was the inability to control that turned into something else entirely.  
I was in love with Black and Lupin, however I was obsessed with Dreamless Sleep. I understood that obsession was not healthy, I could see the effects it had on James Potter. He was clearly persistent, only trying time and time again, only to be rejected, rightfully so. Who would love someone who was obsessed with them? 

As I sat at that table, idly tapping my index finger slowly, it hit me. 

I had taken too much. 

I had taken 2 bottles, within a very short time frame, and I did not know what day it was. I was wearing my school robes, though I usually did that even on weekends. Everyone else around me was wearing robes too, it must’ve been a weekday.

“What day is it?” I asked the person next to me, who rolled their eyes and snickered quietly.

“It’s Tuesday, don’t you know anything?” I laid my arms on the table and slowly buried my head into them, looking to the side dejectedly. Everything felt as if they were shutting down, everything was slowly shutting off, beginning with my appetite. I moved my head and turned to Black and Lupin, who were whispering to one another quietly, seemingly in a world of their own. I was so happy for them, I truly was. 

Everything was blurring slowly, except for Lupin and Black, which I concentrated on vividly. If they were staring at me, I wouldn’t notice it, for all I could do was think. Think about how I was slowly shutting down, on how this addiction was killing me. On how I perhaps wanted it to kill me. Or perhaps how I didn’t want it to kill me.

Black and Lupin stood up, holding hands as they walked away from the Great Hall, and most likely to class. They were so happy together, and I was so miserable without them. Seeing the two of them together made me happy, but I was also sad in knowing it had nothing to do with me, though I wanted to be involved. 

My access to oxygen was slowly limiting itself more and more, and I was breathing faster. I didn’t notice anyone around me, I was trying to get the air into my lungs, I was trying to breathe. Then, I realised.

I didn’t want this potion to kill me. For a long time, I thought that I wanted to be killed by this potion, that I wouldn’t mind if I fell into a coma and stayed in that state forever. I don’t know where my mind changed, or if it was really there at all, but I didn’t want to die. I wanted to stay with Black and Lupin, I wanted them in my life. I wanted them to know who I was before I disappeared. 

I was going to die today, at least, I thought so. Perhaps I’ll just be put into a coma, but I felt everything slowly shut down within me, and I was getting drowsier. Tears filled my eyes and I stood up abruptly.

I needed to tell them. I needed to say that I was SS, that I was sorry. I would never forgive myself if I suddenly left without a goodbye. The most heartbreaking of departures were the unknown and unexpected.

I sprinted out of the Great Hall, my breaths becoming shallow and heart pounding in my ears. The tears fell from my cheeks not out of sorrow, even though it could be something akin to that, but desperation. I needed to find them, before it was too late. I needed to tell them, before I was gone entirely. I understood that I was only making my condition worse and worse, but I ignored that, because I needed to see them. My need and desire outweighed my exhaustion by far, and I sprinted until I finally found them. 

They were whispering about something, their heads were leaning towards each other, their hands were intertwined. I didn’t take the time to appreciate the small beauties that they possessed; I couldn’t take time for anything at all.

I collapsed to the ground sobbing and gasping for breath, sinking to my knees, my head touching the ground as if I were kneeling before someone, which I was not. I didn’t have time to think of the unnecessary, I didn’t have time to think of anything but them, I could feel my movements begin to restrict, everything was shutting down, death was taking over, at least, I thought it was death.

“Black! Lupin!” I exclaimed desperately, placing my hands on my knees and sitting up, still crying desperately. I heard two pairs of footsteps run over to me. My head was bowed in shame, shame from having to end it as such.

“You need to listen to me, before everything shuts down entirely, I need you to listen to what I’m going to say!” I exclaimed, breathing becoming sharper and sharper. I felt Lupin’s hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles. It might have worked anytime, but not this time. I heard Black sink to the ground with him, I could tell he was confused, but he went along with it, Lupin was the one in control here.

“I’m SS.” I whispered softly, not entirely sure they heard me. The circles stopped as did my sobs, turning into silent, pitiful cries. 

“SS?” Sirius asked, tilting my jaw up to face him. He looked like he was in shock, utter shock was all I could see in his expression. But he wasn’t angry, he didn’t look angry at all. I slowly turned my head to Lupin, who also looked shocked, but he attempted to dismiss it. 

“Yes.” I breathed out. “I’m SS, I’m so sorry if I’m not who you thought I would be. I had to tell you, you had to know. Everything’s shutting down in my body, I feel weak, I think I’m going to die soon. I just had to tell you before I possibly leave forever. I’m sorry.” Before I knew it, my head was placed on Black’s lap and my legs onto Lupin’s. We were in the middle of an abandoned corridor, and I knew that I could trust them. I saw the tears in Lupin’s eyes, and I heard the desperate sobs from Black, and I knew I could trust them.

“We don’t have time for consequences. What do you mean you’re going to die? Of what?” I trembled, looking into silver eyes and whimpering hopelessly. I didn’t have enough time   
to say everything I wanted to say, but they had to know the essential things. 

“I’m sorry. There’s the potion in my room, ask any Slytherin for the password. Tell them it’s an emergency. If they ask for what, say “one of you is in danger” and they’ll let you in. Slytherins always protect their own.” I could feel Lupin stroking my legs, and I heard his pleas.

“Severus, Severus no.” He whispered. “You can’t leave.” He then sobbed, his head landing onto my legs. “You can’t leave us, not only when we just found you. I know that you being Severus Snape makes everything a mess, but we have to figure something out, we can’t just leave it hanging, Severus, please.” I shook my head, I could feel my eyes about to roll into the back of my head, I could feel myself about to pass out, possibly for a long time, if forever counted as a long time.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, before my eyes closed and I went into a coma like state, unable to hear or see anything around me. I couldn’t even think, for most of my body was shut down entirely. I couldn’t hear the desperate sobs and couldn’t feel them carrying me to the hospital wing. I couldn’t hear Black pleading to work things out and Lupin saying that he almost lost Black and that he couldn’t lose me too. Later, I was grateful I couldn’t hear those things, because if I did, I might’ve shattered entirely.

I loved them, but was it too late for us?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! The angst hits its peak! I was so psyched to write this chapter, honestly.


	31. Awake

“Sirius, do you think he’ll live?”

“I’m not sure, all we can do is stay here until he either wakes or dies.” 

“I don’t want to lose him, I almost lost you.”

“I can’t promise you won’t lose him, but I can promise you won’t lose me.”

I found myself unable to move, trapped in darkness, only able to hear the people around me. Where was I? I didn’t remember anything as of late, black clouded my mind and consumed my vision. My breaths were even as was my heartbeat, I didn’t remember the last time I could freely breathe. For so long, both emotionally and physically, I was suffocated. I may have had short moments of happiness, but I still felt that feeling of suffocation, the inability to breathe, the choking. Finally, I was free of that. Free of the addiction which I should’ve known to be dangerous earlier on, and free of the things that had trapped me. 

Black and Lupin were at my bedside, I could hear their voices whispering to one another. One hand was being held by whoever was on my right, and my hair was being stroked by the person on my left. It felt comforting, it felt nice, no one had ever really done that to me before. No one had ever touched me in such a way, and it relaxed my mind slightly from the black clouded panic I was going through. 

I was laying on the hospital bed, and I could feel that my hands were holding onto something loosely, a flower I presumed. I was in the position of a dead person, they sincerely thought I wouldn’t survive.

I then remembered falling to the floor sobbing, Black, Lupin, apologising repeatedly, black clouding my vision, then nothing. Nothing at all. However, I didn’t want to focus on that, I could answer those questions later. For now, I listened to the sound of Black and Lupin’s voices and focused on their hands. 

For what seemed to be hours but perhaps was minutes, I laid there, there was no sense of time in my head. I couldn’t count the seconds, nor could I count the moments. Being in a coma was incredibly peaceful, especially when you couldn’t hear the outside world. If this were my past self, I’d attempt to stay in a coma forever, but I knew very well that I wanted Black and Lupin to see that I survived. 

“I love you.” I heard Black say, dropping a kiss into my hair. He brushed it to the side somewhere and then sat back down, I could hear it and feel it. Lupin came from the right (from what I could hear) and dropped a kiss onto my forehead, stroking my cheek gently.

“We both love you.” It was then that my eyes fluttered open, looking up to see the wide, amber eyes of Lupin. I saw the tears that shined in them, and I saw them widening from the sight of obsidian eyes.

“I love you too. Both of you.” I whispered softly, smiling with the same delicacy. My voice was hoarse from many weeks of disuse and my face muscles hurt whilst smiling, but it wasn’t a problem for me. Black helped me sit up, handing me a glass of water and helping me to take a sip out of it. I nodded gratefully and shakily put it back down, looking to both of them. They were shocked, their eyes filled with tears and stares transfixed onto me.

“Severus.” Lupin started softly, holding onto my hand gently and looking towards me with curious eyes. He then looked at Black, who nodded in encouragement. I frowned in confusion.

“Whatever you’re about to ask me, just ask.” I stated hoarsely, Lupin laughing gently when I did so.

“Oh Severus, it isn’t that.” He smiled gently, looking to Black who took over, asking what they both wanted to know bluntly.

“So, why did we find shit tons of Dreamless Sleep in your room? We literally found 3 full boxes of that stuff and Madam Pomfrey found that you had taken so much that your body started to slowly shut down. You would’ve died if you kept that shit in you. So why did you do it?” My breath hitched hearing this, only just remembering that I told them they could search my room. Sometimes I forgot on just how much Dreamless Sleep I kept in my cupboard. Both of them looked at me with prying looks, causing me to sigh.

“I’m sorry.” I started with, figuring it was best to say. Black shrugged.

“Nothing to apologise for, I mean, I’m an alcohol addict. Just tell us why.” I sighed once more and closed my eyes, thinking of what to start with. How do I say, “Hey, I was a Dreamless Sleep addict because I was tired and I wanted to stop having nightmares?” So, I started with what I thought was best to say.

“I was tired. I was so fucking tired. I had no one who supported me, no one who cared for me, and despite it all, I thought that maybe I had a chance of happiness. It was childish, I understand that, but I don’t know. I thought that since I skipped a night, I would be fine, I thought that since I didn’t take much, I would be fine. However, that was not the case.” I exhaled gently, my left arm reaching for Black’s hand seemingly on its own. Black instead sat on the bed next to me, gently laying my head in his lap. He stroked my hair, relaxing me and coaxing me into talking more.

“The side effects came in later and I started feeling horrible. I rarely ate, my emotions were heightened, I was drowsier, I was tired. The one thing I had tried to prevent in the first place was happening to me all over again. You both made me so happy, reading your letters were the only moments of happiness I had back then. About halfway through, I had given up on trying to be happy and I resigned myself to misery. You know what’s the saddest part about losing hope? That you also lose motivation, and motivation is the only thing that can keep you alive. So, basically, I felt like I was slowly dying. Dreamless Sleep made sure I also didn’t go through hell at night, little did I know that it just caused me to lose control.” I laughed bitterly, tears springing in my eyes. Lupin stroked my hand and stood up, standing next to Black and I.

“Severus… I, I don’t even know what to say.” His voice sounded desperate, a cry for help. I reached for him with the hand that wasn’t occupied and pulled him next to me on the bed, sitting up slightly so my head was still on Black’s lap but I was just further up so I was able to look at Lupin. 

“You don’t need to say anything.” I replied softly, looking up to Black who looked at me with sympathy, he knew what overdose was like, he knew the feeling. 

For a while, we sat in silence, content with just staring. Not much needed to be said between the three of us, we all knew what was happening. We’d discuss our status later, but for now, we would just be us three together. 

“So…” Black started, trailing off once something, or should I say someone caught his eye. I tore my eyes away from Lupin and looked to a very shocked Potter, who was pale with tired eyes. I sighed and sat up, curling against Black and Lupin with the little energy I did have.

“James.” Lupin started gently, voice quickly growing irritated. “What might you need?” Potter looked curious, and as if he was about to interrogate us.

“What is going on here, might I ask? Are you dating him?” He looked at me with such disgust that if I wasn’t warmly snuggled between two surprisingly strong boys, I might’ve punched him in the face. Black sighed, almost as if he had expected this to happen.

“Severus just woke up; we’ll talk later James.” He spoke roughly. Potter huffed and stormed off, I suppose that something had happened between the two of them to be on first name basis, but I wouldn’t know what. I looked to them both and Remus smiled softly.

“Something wrong?” He asked me delicately. I shook my head, looking to Black, who ruffled my hair. I glared at him and he laughed sheepishly.

“You’re just as much of a tsundere in real life as you are in the letters.” I smacked him on the arm, hissing slightly before curling up more to Lupin. Black howled with pain, definitely exaggerating.

“Ow!!” I laughed at him slightly, quietly chuckling with a hoarse voice. 

“Not a tsundere.” I huffed, still chuckling softly as Black rubbed his arm dramatically and bundled himself against me. Madam Pomfrey entered, unamused with Black and Lupin, one of which I had dragged onto my bed.

“I see that Mister Snape is awake. Mister Lupin, Mister Black, please get off the bed, I need to run tests on Mister Snape.” They both gave her hurt puppy looks as did I, well, mine was more glaring at her passive aggressively. She shooed them off and left me with no headrest, I was almost pouting as I leaned against the pillows. When she got a needle, I suddenly remembered why I hated hospitals and I closed my eyes, waiting for the stab.

I didn’t feel it at all. 

A few minutes later, Madam Pomfrey had left to get some parchment, Black had a wild look in his eyes and he grinned at Lupin, who rolled his eyes and grinned at me in turn. I sighed, knowing they were up to no good.

“What are you two scheming now?” Sirius stood up and began to explain, eyes brightening and hands coming alive as he spoke.

“We’re going to smuggle you out of the hospital wing! There’s no point of you being here anymore, and besides, I’m feeling clingy.” My eyes brightened, shining with a sense of trouble and rebellion that I’m pretty sure no one had seen in a very long time. I held onto the bed as I got out, deciding to forgo my robes and stay in the hospital gown. Besides, if I was feeling ambitious, I could start a trend or something. 

“Great idea. I’ll most likely need help; I can barely walk.” I rolled my eyes and wrapped my arms around their shoulders. Both of their arms automatically went to my waist, causing me to look down and blush. We started walking out, almost as if we weren’t sneaking out at all. It was almost like we were dismissed, which we technically were, just by ourselves. 

“Where are we headed to?” Black asked, a smirk playing on his lips. His perfect lips, perfect face, perfect everything. Ugh, why was this boy a French version of a Barbie doll? 

“Library.” I decided, the library was our place, I supposed. The library was where everything started, the letters, the love, the drama, everything. The Restricted Section held a special place in my heart for that reason, so many different emotions were felt, yet they all led to a similar conclusion. 

Most students were in class, so we didn’t pass anyone as we walked. I wanted to ask Black and Lupin why they had skipped school to see me, but I refrained from doing so. We entered the library after a lot of walking and sneaked into the Restricted Section, relaxing by the windowsill eventually. I was in between Lupin’s legs, who had picked out a book from a chair nearby and begun to read it. Black was sat across from me, his hands in mine, watching Lupin as he read. 

“Remus is beautiful when he reads, isn’t he?” Black asked me, eyes shining gently and a soft smile displayed on his face. I nodded in agreement, turning to face him before turning back to Black.

“He is. A work of art almost.” Black made a noise of agreement and looked down to our joined hands, swinging them gently.

“I can hear you both.” Lupin’s cheeks were pink and he was, dare I say it, adorable. Black laughed and stroked his cheek.

“I know darling. Go back to your book.” Lupin made a noise of embarrassment and continued to read, moving himself so both him and I could see the book. I smiled gratefully and read it with him, Lupin had a very good taste in books. Black then laid his head in my lap and I stroked his hair gently as Lupin turned the pages.

I felt euphoric, completely relaxed. We didn’t need to discuss the fact that I was Severus Snape, we just knew. That love was love, and that you couldn’t interfere. In the 3 weeks I was unconscious, they must’ve done a lot of talking, because it seemed as if they were fine with everything that was going on. We had this instant connection, it moved on from the letters, it still connected us three, even when aware of the others. It was beautiful, majestic. 

“Sirius?” I asked hesitantly, not too sure about the use of his first name, but I liked the way it rolled of my tongue, how it sounded beautiful even if it was unused. Black- no, Sirius looked into my eyes and nodded gently.

“Severus…?” I could tell that my first name too was not usually used by him, and it was awkward, yet beautiful all at once. 

“What are we? The three of us? I understand that between you and… Remus, a lot happened in the three weeks I was gone. However, where do I fit into that equation? Into this relationship? Where do I become apart of it?” Before I knew it, I could feel lips on mine and I gasped out of pure shock, leaning down to kiss him back, his head still on my lap. The kiss wasn’t long, but it was magical, his lips were soft, so fucking soft, and his hand on my cheek was hot, but not sweaty. It was perfect, it was magical, you know the fireworks that only stories talk about, that no one thinks is real? I felt those, I felt them strongly, they seeped in my magic, into my atmosphere.

I pulled away from him slowly, exhaling deeply. Lupin- no, Remus looked to be in wonder, in curiosity. My cheeks flushed a soft shade of pink and I snuggled into Lupin further, slightly flustered by his actions.

“We are whatever we agree on being.” Black stated softly. “It has always been us three, and that will never change. You have always fitted into the equation, and always will. This relationship started as 3, yeah? It did not start at your overdose, it started with the letters.” Sirius stated delicately, his eyes shining brightly as he spoke about it. Remus pitched in, agreeing with Sirius.

“We will be always three. Always.” He stressed on the word ‘always’, leaning forward and pecking my cheek lightly. I pulled him in further and connected his lips to mine, the hand then falling from his cheek to his hair. 

“I always love witnessing a good kiss between my boyfriends.” My head snapped towards Sirius at the word ‘boyfriends’, had we really discussed that?

“I mean, since we’re boyfriends now, if you come closer you might get a little kiss yourself, hm?” As soon as I said it, my eyes widened in horror and I covered my mouth, my cheeks perhaps permanently red. Remus and Sirius both cooed at me, me trying to shut them up but failing.

“You’re adorable~!” I smacked Sirius’ arm, shushing him loudly.

“I am not cute, nor adorable!” They merely laughed, as did I. I was in euphoria, nothing could stop this high I was feeling, nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the promised chapter! Mostly fluff, uwu, but this is not the end of the drama. No spoilers tho. :/


	32. Caught

Sirius was curled into Remus, his head in Remus’ neck, as if he were a dog. In the meantime, my head was on Remus’ lap, looking up to him with gentle eyes. I felt sentimental whilst in this position, thoughts raced through my mind, flashbacks, however, they were not associated with negativity like the many times before. Their written words read themselves aloud in my head, causing me to smile only slightly. My eyes sparkled as well as I imagined further.

‘All my love,  
\- SS.’

“What’s got you smiling beautiful?” I turned to Sirius, who tilted his head and grinned cheekily. The smile fell from my face at the thought that perhaps that grin could fade away soon. I didn’t want it to fade away, I wanted him here with me. My cheeks flushed a light tint of pink as I began to speak.

“Just thinking, about the letters, about us.” My voice was low and tired, drowsiness creeping upon me. Remus kissed my forehead, causing me to blush harder. He wasn’t affectionate as Sirius; however, every moment was just as special to me. 

Remus perked up, interrupting my thought stream entirely. I sat up and leaned against the other side of the windowsill. 

“Oh no…” I started. “What idea do you have now?” Lupin typically wasn’t a troublemaker, however, the gleam in his eyes, that bright glow told me there was something going on. That he had an idea which could be either genius or end in flames. Either way, I knew that I had to be involved, and so did Sirius. We were a team now after all.

“We should look at our letters again! Like, find the bottle and stuff.” Oh… not as exciting as I thought. It was a great idea nonetheless, I supposed that he was feeling nostalgic, as was I. Sirius smiled and quickly pecked Remus on the cheek, Remus grumbling softly and smiling at Sirius despite himself.

Nostalgia, for me, was a feeling I was familiar with. Out of all these feelings I had felt today, I was glad to feel this. It wasn’t new, it was familiar. Nostalgia was both longing and acceptance at the same time, it was both missing and not. I didn’t know where to begin with emotions, least of all nostalgia, so I nodded.

“Alright, let’s find it.” We stood up from our comfortable windowsill and walked towards the armchair in which the bottle should’ve been hidden. I had so many memories from that armchair, so many emotions, so many flashbacks. It was the place where our beginning happened, where just about everything happened. Sirius and I stood in the middle of the Restricted Section, whilst Remus moved forward to collect the bottle. As soon as he reached the armchair, he froze, he tensed stiffly. He turned to us both, colour drained from his face, anxiously avoiding our eyes.

“The bottle isn’t there.” Sirius gripped my hand tightly whilst I could too feel the colour slipping away from my face, and my previously tired eyes had woken up entirely.  
The bottle couldn’t be gone, there was no way. How could it have been gone? Madam Pince rarely went in here, let alone anyone else. How could it just disappear? It wasn’t plausible, there wasn’t anyway that all of this was plausible. That parchment held so many memories, so many secrets, I don’t think anyone who tried to look at it from our perspective understood the severity of this. Everything was in there, and it was suddenly gone. Did Madam Pince take it? Surely that would only be worse-case scenario, right? 

Right?

“That bottle holds so many secrets, who could’ve possibly taken it?” Sirius shook his head and stroked my hand with his thumb, as if to tell me to give up.

“It’s impossible to know immediately, however, if it was Madam Pince or any of the staff, we’re doomed. That’s all I can say.” I nodded stiffly, looking to Remus, who was nearly frozen with fear. Sirius let go of my hand and walked towards him, wrapping his arms around Remus’ neck before taking both himself and Remus back to me. Sirius took me under his right arm, Remus under his left.

“We’ll get through this.” The expression on Sirius’ face was dark, but not like the looks of the past. It was dark in the sense of dark optimism, trying to have hope when you’ve given up. I pursed my lips, trying not to start anything. I just wanted to be wrong, I didn’t want Madam Pince to find it. She would pass it off to Dumbledore, or a student would find it and all would be revealed. I didn’t want everything to be revealed, was it obvious? I didn’t want it to show! Those letters talked about alcohol addiction, about overdose, about suicide, about so many dark things that most likely needed to be investigated but I didn’t want to have released to anyone else.

I began to panic, my head clouded with scenarios. What could possibly happen? Were we fated to be apart after all? Was something going to happen to our newly found relationship?

“Mister Snape, Mister Black, Mister Lupin, I’ve been looking for you three.” My head snapped up and all of the blood drained from my face entirely, I could hear my heart pound loudly and my eyes filled with tears unwillingly. Madam Pince held the bottle in her hand, the bottle with our parchment. Mine, Sirius’ and Remus’. Not hers. I exhaled and looked to Sirius and Remus, who looked just as shocked to see the offending parchment. Remus exhaled and smiled shakily. 

“Madam Pince, please to forgive me, but may I ask, why exactly did you look inside? I can already tell you did so, there’s no need to lie about it otherwise. Was there something that unsatisfied you? Is that why you felt the need to look?” Madam Pince pursed her lips and glared at the three of us, narrowing her eyes in disappointment. Yet, I could see a look of pity there, I swore I saw it, however, it disappeared as quickly as it came. I was surprised that Remus was the one to ask such a thing, his tone was polite but words were scathing. He was very obviously pissed, yet I somehow did not expect it to come from him. 

As expected from the Hogwarts staff, any of them really, she did not say anything useful.

“Professor Dumbledore is expecting you in his office, I will not say anything concerning this matter.” She then turned on her heel and left. Of course, she wouldn’t provide an opinion, of course she wouldn’t. She wanted to remain ‘as neutral as possible’. I called bullshit. I was still panicked; however, anger was also mixed into that anxiety, forming frustration. Sirius linked his arms in ours and guided us out, somehow, he remained the calmest out of us three. Most likely because he is able to bribe Dumbledore with money, status, anything. Rich and handsome, imagine that life.

Personally, I was frustrated, that was all there was to it. How could they look through something which was quite clearly a letter for their own curiosity? Their own convenience? What did they benefit from it other than morning drama? I couldn’t find a single part of me that was empathetic towards the situation, I truly couldn’t. Those letters were so private, so personal. The armchairs were never even cleaned, why did they decide to look through them now? Because she was bored? The timing was unlucky, I would give it that, the timing was extremely bad.

“Deny, deny, deny.” Remus stated slowly. I thought, in a situation in which we were able to deny it, it would be ideal, however, they already had all the evidence they needed, I supposed all they were going to do was confront us. 

“Bubblegum.” I said firmly, the password to Dumbledore’s dorm reaching the creature’s ears loud and clear. The door then opened and led to a staircase, in which we climbed up tirelessly. I let go, as did Remus and we entered together, perhaps not linked, no, but together, nonetheless. Dumbledore had a look of pity on his face, not compassion, pity. He wanted to know, he wanted to know everything, that I could tell. He was going to pry further than what was ideal, he wasn’t going to respect our right to privacy, according him we didn’t have any. 

“Mister Black, Mister Lupin, Mister Snape, good afternoon. It seems to be that I have called you here.” I heard a quite “no shit” from Sirius and a snort from Remus, however I merely rolled my eyes and nudged them both, the three of us sitting down onto the chairs in front of his desk. 

“Headmaster?” I found myself asking, my voice trembling despite itself. He smiled with that twinkle in his eye, the one I hated so very much.

“Mister Snape?” I wasn’t quite sure what to ask, were we to play dumb? Or were we to get to the point?

“Why are we here?” To play dumb then, I decided. To play dumb. Dumbledore looked frustrated, constipated almost. It was not a pretty sight.

“I am here to ask about the contents of this long roll of parchment.” He didn’t hold it in his hands, however, I knew he had already read it, just judging by his wording.  
“Why was none of this told to the school?” My eyes widened, in fury rather than anything else.

“The school? The fucking school?” I snorted cynically, my eyes rolling. “Why do you think we would tell you everything? Most of my problems are your fault, along with many others, do not make this about you!” I finished with a shout, exhaling deeply before placing my head onto Remus’ shoulder tiredly. He patted my back and looked up to Dumbledore.

“Severus is right sir, why would we involve you? For your daily dose of school gossip?” Sirius snickered, I looked up from Remus’ shoulder to glare at him. He then apologetically smiled, gently nodding. Dumbledore cleared his throat and we turned back to him.

“Mister Black, let’s start with you.” Sirius’ face grew pensive and solemn, watching him pale as Dumbledore pulled out notes was a painful experience. He was so hurt, and he looked betrayed, but I could only watch and hold his hand. 

“Your alcohol addiction for a start.” Dumbledore exhaled calmly, eerily calm for someone who was confronting another on their behavour. “Why didn’t you say anything to the school? Surely, we could’ve helped you with this addiction of yours Mister Black? How did you get the alcohol? According to the letters, you often drank during class. Please tell me about this Mister Black, I am very concerned for you.” With that glimmer in his eyes? He wasn’t concerned about shit, he wanted drama, he liked the show, but nothing more. Sirius could sense this as well, but there was also no point in lying, it was all there, all of it.

“My alcohol addiction, sir, is something very intimate and personal to me. Are you sure you want to be asking questions about that?” Dumbledore nodded, as if there was nothing more to say, as if he was right, as if he was always right. I sighed silently, watching Remus who looked at Sirius with concern.

“Alright. Alcohol was an escape, as you could gather from the letters. I never got caught because I’m good at getting away with what I shouldn’t. I overdosed and stayed in the hospital wing for a while, however, I got no help to quell the addiction, in fact, I got no support at all. Only my physical wounds were healed.” I nodded in agreement; it was the same experience for my overdose. I got no help or anything, I was told that I couldn’t take it ever again but no mental help. Does mental health not exist in the Wizarding World? Ugh.

“I’m sorry to hear that Mister Black.” I snorted. He wasn’t sorry at all. 

“Mister Snape?” I shook my head in dismissal.

“Nothing, Headmaster.” He turned back to Sirius, I gripped his hand tighter and he looked in my direction. I nodded, as did he.

“Second, your situation at home. The abuse?” Sirius stiffened, quickly looking to Remus with wide eyes. Remus shook his head, unsure of exactly what to do.

“I’m away from them now sir.” Was all he said, Remus nodding in verification. Was he with the Potters now? Dumbledore looked almost disappointed for some reason.

“Very well. Moving onto Mister Snape. We have a lot to talk about.” I rolled my eyes. 

“I don’t believe we have that much to talk about sir. You won’t mind your own business and I have a lot of secrets, it’s that simple.” Remus gave me a warning glare, and I sighed. If Dumbledore is allowed his fun, surely, I am allowed mine as well, right? 

“Anyways, Mister Snape, Madam Pomfrey told me about your overdose. Dreamless Sleep, yes?” I nodded, tight lipped. 

“Why?” he asked. I looked to both of my boyfriends, who nodded, who knew I needed to say something. 

“I was tired.” I found myself saying. “I was exhausted. Everyday was the same, and I hated it. My nights were horrific, I rarely slept if ever. I hated my life, I hated the people in it, I hated everything. How was I supposed to know that it was illegal? Honestly, you make it sound like I wanted this life.” Dumbledore hesitated, before quirking one side of his lip slightly in thought.

“Well…” I was outraged. How could he assume I wanted to be addicted to a potion? For attention? If I wanted attention, I would’ve jumped off a fucking cliff for fuck’s sake, or better yet, just jumped someone for the sake of it. Did he really think I liked the misery? Did he think of me that way? No, I reminded myself, he’d have to care in order to think something of that sort.

“Are you saying I wanted this life?” My voice cracked, my pitch rising. “That I wanted to be addicted? I’m sorry, but addiction is almost never purposeful. Maybe check your statistics!” Dumbledore had a twitch to him, he looked pissed, very pissed.

“Mister Snape…” I couldn’t stand it anymore; I wouldn’t let what happened to Sirius happen to Remus. Sirius looked so ashamed, as if it was something to be ashamed of. He was heartbroken, and rightfully so. He trusted Dumbledore, until now. He trusted the Hogwarts staff, until now. I wouldn’t let anyone touch them, anyone. 

“We’re leaving.” I stood up, and Remus and Sirius did so reluctantly as well. I began to yell, to scream.

“It’s audacious of you to say you care, then do this! You don’t care, you don’t give a bloody damn! All you’re concerned about is your lemon drops, entertainment, and drama. You don’t care about the students, least of all me, don’t you dare pretend that you do! Don’t you dare pry into the private lives of students if you have no reason of doing so, and don’t you dare say you have a reason! You have no reasons; drama is your reason! All you want is to use my boyfriends, to use me, you want to exploit us!” My voice raised from a yell to screech, my eyes had widened and my hands were flailing dramatically, tears were in my eyes, I was an irrational teenager. What was to be expected?

I breathed deeply as my voice changed to a broken whisper.

“You hurt me, you hurt us. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. I hate you.” I whipped my head around and walked out abruptly, Sirius and Remus following after me.  
Remus had a guilty look in his eyes, an apologetic look. Sirius seemed to know what he was thinking, because I certainly didn’t. 

“Don’t you dare apologise.” My eyes widened as I turned to Sirius, then back to Remus. What on earth did he have to apologise for?

“But-“ Sirius interrupted him.

“Just because Severus saved our asses does not mean you have to apologise for not going through what we did. You go through much worse than us, don’t apologise.” He huffed then nodded slightly.

“I suppose it’s the full moon approaching, my emotions are heightened.” Sirius nodded and held his hand, my own hand automatically reaching for his other one. Remus smiled at us both, seemingly grateful. 

Our relationship would be okay, but everything else? I wasn’t so sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -_-
> 
> Mates, I finally got this chapter out! It's one I've been waiting to write for a while, it was much longer than I thought it would be, but either way I'm looking forward to writing more.  
> The end of the story is near, it is a tragedy, seeing as it's been nearly two months since this story started. I want to start by saying thank you so much to all the people that have supported this story from the beginning, and to the people who came in later, that's okay, I thank you as well. Everyone has shown so much love and appreciation it's almost overwhelming.   
> Also, I will be starting another Harry Potter story soon, Marauders era, different ships, entirely different plot. I will put the link in once I have started it! Comment if you're interested.


	33. Confrontation

I would’ve thought that Potter would give me a hard time, seeing as he had done so for so long. I would’ve thought that he would’ve been rough with me, shaking me until I answered with tears and fury shining in my eyes. However, this was not the case. Not the case at all. 

Potter’s voice was hoarse and pleading, he was almost desperate for answers. No one had told him anything it seems, he remained oblivious to the situation. He was worried for someone he considered a brother; he was concerned for the best friend he had lost due to someone else’s actions. I pitied him, I truly did. I felt as if I should be the one to remedy this problem, though it should’ve been Sirius and Remus themselves. 

“Please, Snape, I visited the hospital wing every day.” His voice cracked, tears filling his eyes with his pleading. He was devastated, desperate, all of the things I used to be. 

“I visited every day, then he left, like I wouldn’t want to see him. He thinks I hate him, I never hated him. I know you know about Sirius and Remus; can you please just tell me if they’re alright? If you’re with them?” I sighed nearly silently and looked at Potter for a long while. He looked pitiful, truly, pitiful. 

“They’re getting better.” I told him cryptically, about to say something else then choosing not to for the fear of saying too much.

“Are you three in a relationship?” My eyes widened at his question, not sure whether to reject the notion or accept it. I wasn’t sure whether by accepting it I would solve everything or destroy the relationship I was currently in. 

“I don’t mind!” He quickly exclaimed. “I just… would like to know.” I shook my head, deciding to reject the notion.

“No, we are not in a relationship. We are nothing more than friends.” Potter’s expression turned from one of sorrow to one of disbelief and mirth. He snickered, looking as if he was resisting the temptation to laugh, despite the tears in his eyes.

“Don’t lie to me Snape, I know the three of you are dating. After everything Sirius and Remus have been through? I wouldn’t be surprised if they added you in.” I sighed, rolling my eyes in an attempt to hide the truth.

“Again, we are not dating, you’ll just have to accept that. We are nothing more that friends, we’re just platonic, that’s all there is to it, alright? Alright?” Potter looked doubtful, raising his eyebrows, no longer sad.

“Mhm, that’s why you were all snuggled up in the Hospital Wing, right? Because you’re just friends?” He teased. I groaned and looked away, pink smattering my cheeks at the memory of it.

“Shut up.” I snapped, looking to the distance, where I saw Sirius and Remus approaching. They held hands and they both smiling, seemingly teasing one another for something or another. They looked so happy; I could only hope they were just as joyous when with me. 

“Severus!” Remus exclaimed, rushing over with Sirius, dragging him to me. I laughed, wrapping my arms around Remus first, enveloping his scent and how warm he was. I then wrapped my arms around Sirius, who nuzzled himself to me, like he was a dog. I rolled my eyes playfully and stayed in that position for a while, eventually pulling apart.

“That doesn’t look platonic to me.” Potter stated quietly, I whipped my head around to glare at him and he laughed, suddenly stopping when he saw Sirius.

“Mate… I’ve been worried about you. I know it was all fun and games earlier, but are you okay? Snape told me you were, but I don’t know what to believe anymore.” Sirius smiled   
slightly and pulled Potter into an embrace before quickly letting go.

“I’m fine James, I’ve been getting better, alright?” Potter nodded slowly, whilst Remus’ eyes widened. I followed his glance and froze at what I saw. In Sirius’ pocket was a half-empty alcohol bottle, the bottle cap loosely screwed around it. He didn’t seem drunk; however, I knew he had a high tolerance for it. Remus pulled it out of his pocket and Sirius turned to him in confusion.

“Remus?” He asked quietly. Remus looked sad, he looked disappointed.

“Sirius.” He then held up the alcohol bottle, causing Sirius’ eyes to widen in sadness. He was apologetic, truly. 

“Oh shit- I…” I shushed him gently, taking the bottle out of Remus’ hands into my own.

“It’s alright, everyone relapses sometimes, how about we just pour this out, hm?” Sirius nodded darkly and Remus grabbed onto his hand once more as I looked below to check for people. I then poured the alcohol out of the window quickly, dropping the bottle with it, just hoping I didn’t hurt anyone. 

“There. It’s gone now, alright?” Remus nodded and Sirius approached me, gently hugging me. I pecked his cheek lightly, forgetting about Potter’s presence. Sirius then pulled away, instead offering me a hand. I accepted it happily and used my other hand to hold onto his arm, as if I was arm candy. Potter cleared his throat and I turned around, flinching slightly at the smirk he held.

“I thought you said you were just friends, Snape.” I stumbled over what I was going to say and I stuttered, after all, he was right. I did say what I said, I did say we were just friends when we in fact weren’t. We were dating, and I was proud of it. So sorry Dumbledore. Remus was holding back his laughter as he looked to Potter, then to me, then to Sirius. Sirius was already laughing, nearly crying from how hard he was laughing.

“Bloody hell darling! You would’ve thought that you would’ve said everything after the outburst with Dumbledore! Still a bit of a tsundere, eh?” My cheeks reddened and eyes widened as I stuttered out a denial, I was certainly not a tsundere! That was bullshit and he must’ve been on drugs.

“I’m not a tsundere!” I exclaimed. “You’re an idiot Black, you truly are.” Potter then started laughing too, but it wasn’t mocking like it used to be. It was as if we were friends almost. It was a friendly laughter; it was unfamiliar to me. But I liked it, I liked that I didn’t have to constantly watch out for everything now, I didn’t need to be paranoid, I was safe. I was now safe with these people. Who would’ve thought?

“I can see why Sirius and Remus are dating you now, I can truly see it. You’re a tsundere, it’s very amusing to watch. You’re much like Lily in that aspect actually, constantly in denial. Don’t worry, it’s not a bad thing, it really isn’t!” I sighed at the comparison and remembered something. Potter was obsessed with her before; he was addicted to her. But now? He didn’t seem to be obsessed no longer, he seemed to be accepting and resigned. He now accepted that Lily didn’t share his feelings and he moved on.

“He is a tsundere, it’s rather cute, especially when he accidentally suggests that if we get closer, we get a make out session.” My cheeks reddened further and I wrapped my arms around Sirius’ neck, hiding in his chest. He was even warmer than Remus, holy shit. Was he a dog or something? He was so warm, he felt amazing. I stayed for a while, not wanting to leave. The three continued to talk peacefully amongst themselves except for me, who still hid in Black’s warmth.

He was so amazing, I loved him so much, I swore. I just wanted him to feel good about himself, I wanted him to feel happy. I would do anything for him to feel better about himself once more, I loved him with all my heart.

“Love…? You’re saying all this aloud?” I looked up slowly only to see Sirius’ pink cheeks and wide smile. I also saw Remus’ sheepish smile and his hand resting on my back. With horror, I switched to Remus, groaning loudly.

“Why am I so embarrassing today?” Sirius chuckled and ran a hand through my hair as I snuggled further into Remus, wanting to hide for the rest of my life.

“Why…” I whined, surprisingly out of character that day. I then moved to Remus’ right, holding onto his arm as if I was his arm candy instead. 

Potter chuckled endearingly, waving at the three of us.

“I’ll be off! Maybe… we can hang out later?” Sirius nodded enthusiastically, and Remus answered what Sirius couldn’t say in words.

“We’d love to James. Maybe bring Peter along as well?” James nodded. 

“I’ll bring Peter and you can bring Snape.” I nodded slightly, I somewhat didn’t mind that.

Potter didn’t have to apologise aloud, I knew what he was on about. He made amends by hanging out with people, by showing the good side of himself. I didn’t forgive him, no, I didn’t forgive him at all, however, I was ready to move on. I didn’t want to be miserable any longer, I didn’t want to be in hell any longer. My past life was my past life, nothing important to dwell on in the present.

“Love?” I turned to Sirius and smiled softly, before schooling my expression.

“Yes, darling? What seems to be the matter?” I drawled, seemingly in character. Sirius kissed my cheek and he went on my other side, causing me to blush as he clung onto me. 

“Where are we going?” I just shook my head and gestured to Remus, who shrugged.

“Let’s go to my dorm!” Sirius exclaimed, moving from my side to squeeze in between Remus and I. I held his hand tightly and we set off to his dorm, him laughing and talking the whole way up. People stared at us as we passed, but I didn’t care, I really didn’t. I had both the most handsome boy in school and the wisest person I knew by my side, and I didn’t care what people thought of us. 

I loved them, and they loved me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, the fluff! The fucking fluff!
> 
> Hey mates, so, it is almost the end of the story, which both saddens me and makes me happy at the same time. It has been exactly two months since the beginning of this story, two months it took me to write all this. I hope I can get the last chapter out by tonight, then that will be it of Overdose.


	34. Monologue (Finale)

In one year, I have been through more challenges and struggles than what most people go through in five. Trouble after trouble, chapter after chapter, this year was composed into many compartments, I couldn’t even speak on the horrors of how this year has affected me, both bad and good. This year has been a roller coaster, fast paced and madness enduring. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, because these experiences have influenced me as a person positively and negatively.

Remus and Sirius were perfect, they were perhaps the biggest reward of all. They both loved me and wanted this to work, we did fight a lot, and we had our struggles, however, the moments of euphoria, the moments of content silence made up for every fight we ever had. I loved them with all of my heart, and it was the first time I was feeling something of this sort. Before, I only felt resentment and anger towards others, for they hurt me, even when I had done nothing to them, even when I didn’t know their name. 

My addiction was something I often mused over, still deeply ashamed and upset by what I had done. I knew it was not my fault, addiction wasn’t usually deliberate or purposeful, it wasn’t something you did when you were bored, it was different to that. I was searching for something, something I had deeply desired for such a long time. Something which I had needed for so many years yet never had the opportunity to receive. An addiction was not something that you were meant to be ashamed of, no, it was meant to be stigmatised, it was meant to be something so much darker. It was meant to be a hushed part of your past, something you never admitted openly. 

Now, I am not happy, no, I am not sure if I ever will be truly euphoric for a long time, however, it’s getting better. I no longer look around me for bullies, as Sirius and Remus are far too overprotective of them to approach me. Rumours aren’t spreading, I’m being ignored rather than judged. I am living the life I had always wanted within these Hogwarts walls, yet somehow, I am still not satisfied with it. 

Did I mention that Sirius and Remus were overprotective? I can’t count the number of people they have beat up in my honour, I can’t count the number of people that they have disarmed for mocking me with a single word. I wasn’t defenceless, I just didn’t see the point in getting into useless conflict over something which could be easily ignored. However, I was very grateful for them and I loved them very much. They were my heroes, just as I was theirs, they were my saviour, they were there when I needed them most.

Not all heroes wore capes, I knew that story well. Lily, for a long time was my hero, my knight in shining armour. Then suddenly? She wasn’t so much a hero, rather, she was someone who used me to boost her ego. I knew this was going to happen eventually, after all, nothing good lasted forever, but it hurt nonetheless, it hurt so badly. As for now? Sirius and Remus are my heroes, why? They had saved me, whilst I had saved them. For Sirius, it was a story of saving him from himself. For Remus, it was a story of saving him from the past that plagued him. Both stories were tales as old as time, somehow repetitive yet unique all the same. 

Life was misery, euphoria, confusion, rage, life was a range of emotions, life was a cycle. One cannot stop the process of life unless life believes it is time to stop the process. Life and death are rather supernatural in my opinion, they had an opinion, they had a voice, it seemed to me that they had control over what happens and what doesn’t. Was that why I had escaped death? Because life decided it wasn’t ready for me to go yet? Some days I thought life wanted me to suffer, that all of the gods above wanted me to suffer a bitter life, but then I would realise, that was just how things were. That was just the way life was and I needed to move on from it. Yet, somehow, I still had not moved on from it. I was far too sensitive for that. Pfft, as if…

Potter was now someone I could consider an acquaintance, a friend of a friend in a twisted sense. We never talked, we never needed to, however, when we did it was via Sirius or Remus, sometimes even Pettigrew, which I was grateful for. He hadn’t expressed any verbal apology, it seemed to me that he knew I hadn’t quite forgiven him yet. I hadn’t quite forgotten everything he had done. I tolerated him for Sirius and Remus’ sake, however, he seemed to be more careful in his phrasing of certain things. 

It didn’t matter if I was dating Sirius and Remus, I never forgot the tears, I never forgot the screams, I never forgot the howls of a lone werewolf. I never forgot the cold rejection that came with being a bystander, I never forgot the torments and paranoia. I never forgot the scars; I never forgot the bruises. I never forgot the times where I would cry myself to sleep at night. I could never forget that, any of that.

Sometimes, I thought it was still a joke, I would shout at them, I would cry, I’d tell them: “You’re tricking me! This is one of your little pranks, stop it, stop it! I hate you… I hate you…” And they’d comfort me throughout it, telling me I wasn’t alone. They would tell me it wasn’t a joke, and that they loved me. They would tell me that it was all okay, that they were sorry for the past, and they understood my paranoia. They were making up for it pretty well, but some nights, some nights I was wide awake in their arms, just remembering our past. 

Our timeline was one of pain and misery, of struggle and turmoil. We shouldn’t have had to feel the pain that we felt, we shouldn’t have had to cry the tears we did, we should’ve felt free within ourselves, but guess what? We didn’t. What a shocker. Truly, a surprise. After everything that had happened, Sirius’ overdose, my overdose, discovery after discovery, secret after secret, surprise after surprise? It was a wonder we were still here; it was a wonder we were still fine and alive. 

I didn’t know what I was searching for before, I supposed that there was many things to search for. Happiness? That was what I thought I was searching for, I thought my naïve quest was for one of joy, I thought that maybe if I found it my life would be somehow complete. I thought that perhaps, happiness was my answer, however, it was not my answer, nor was it a part of my question.

Was I searching for something to entertain myself? Something to lose myself in and become immersed in? I didn’t think that was quite it either. If I wanted entertainment, I would’ve invented a cure for cancer, if I wanted to be rid of boredom, I would’ve made a new dark hex for something, anything. Maybe I would’ve tried to get Lily back, or maybe I would’ve attempted to seduce Remus.

Was I searching for the unknown? No, I may have been an intelligent and inquisitive soul, however, I was not searching for knowledge, I was a Slytherin, we didn’t search for knowledge we already had. We didn’t question the unknown, we worked it to our advantage. We manipulated; we didn’t exactly search for it. We made it come to us, so we didn’t have to the hard work. We made life easy for ourselves, no need to make it harder than necessary.

Or was I searching for something different entirely? Something that I had overlooked from the very start? Something that I had mentioned in passing however did not mention again, despite it being painfully obvious the entire time?

I understood that I was oblivious when it came to emotions, that was not an opinion of my own, it was fact that many including myself knew. I always vowed not to be like Avery in that aspect, however, I had become even worse than him unknowingly. Perhaps that was my demise, perhaps that was my temporary downfall and defeat? Because I knew it wasn’t them, that was sure as hell. 

Perhaps I knew what I was searching for yet ignored it this entire time for reasons unknown. The word reminded me a bit too much of the dark addiction I previously had, however, I was now fine with saying it. I suppose I had removed the stigma behind my own word choices, no longer censoring myself.

A painkiller. I was searching for a painkiller. And I had found it in people so brokenly beautiful and so delicately perfect…

It had taken me a long time, but I found my painkiller.

Them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the two month anniversary of this story comes to a close, so does the story itself. With much sorrow and euphoria, I am able to close this story with a sense of closure and ending, I know that this is the end of the beginning and I hope that everyone who reads this felt the same as I myself did. 
> 
> Thank you to all those who showed support and love to me, thank you to my regular commenters, who made me smile even when I was trying not to emotionally combust. Thank you to all the people who bookmarked and left kudos, thank you to the people who showed that they cared. Thank you to the people who loved this story just as I have loved this story. I love you all just as much as I love the storylines within these chapters.
> 
> This journey was one I hope to take with my next stories, writing this story was delight, and I would do it all again. Maybe with a different plot, different characters and a different focus, yes, however, the journeys are similar nonetheless.
> 
> So, for the last chapter, I would like those who do comment to add their favourite chapter from this story, just as a way to keep the sentimental feeling somewhat alive.
> 
> Once I start my new Harry Potter story, I will send a link to those who are interested. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who took this journey with me, and to those in the future who will take this journey as well.


End file.
